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#2245294 - 05/15/12 01:42 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
today is a new day. i didnt sleep well. had wierd dreams that kept waking me up in a panic. got the kids dressed and off to school. took care of a few bills. that is totally new territory for me. my W being an accountant, always handled that stuff. i'm reading a few other posts and its making me cry. it is so good to hear people are making progress. it gets me down, thinking about where my M is at. i want to be more emotionally stable. when i think about the future, and not being with my W, it really hurts. i don't want that at all. i know i can be fine without her. it doesnt change the fact that she is all i ever wanted. itd bad to say, but, sometimes looking at/holding my kids is really hard for me. i see so much of her in them. it tears me up. it is not fair to them at all. makes me feel like a miserable excuse for a dad. i gotta stop this. when does it get better? it's been over 5 months of this. not long to some, but a lifetime to me. every thing i do backfires. everything. even when it has nothing to do with her. i am so bad at this. i feel like giving up. then i think, if i do i will never forgive myself, then i wonder why bother..flip flop flip flop. i hate it
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2245296 - 05/15/12 01:46 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9123
Loc: Sonoran Desert
That's because you're looking for validation from her, something you may never get.

You must be happy with you, and then you will attract people who appreciate you. That may be your wife, it may not be your wife.

But YOU will be happy.

It takes as long as it takes.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 3/11-12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2245299 - 05/15/12 01:51 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
i mostly like who i am becoming. minus the wishy washy crying person. i could really do without that. people do like me. everybody at work, meetings, kids sports, etc. i am a nice person who always is looking to help out. i do not do it for recognition, just do it cuz i like to help. in fact i prefer no recognition. im not a glory hunter. looks like it will take forever
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2245301 - 05/15/12 02:06 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
robb Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/03
Posts: 118
Loc: Virginia
Feels like you are really hurting bhinsd. I've been there, as have almost all of us. I'm going to go back and read some of your posts to see if I can help.
_________________________
Me:53
W:50
M:29 years
T: 30 years
Children: S21, D12

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#2245306 - 05/15/12 02:15 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9123
Loc: Sonoran Desert
i am a nice person who always is looking to help out.

This might take some looking into. It can be good to be nice, it can be good to be helpful.

Too much of either, at the expense of you can be bad.

That's where those boundaries come in.

Protect you.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 3/11-12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2245370 - 05/15/12 05:28 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
i might have said that wrong. i dont go looking to help. if someone asks or i see a need that i can fill i try to help. i dont do it for thank yous. i do it cause it needs to be done. for example coaching my sons sports. i dont ask to be coach as i am not an expert in all sports. but if they need a coach so he can play, i am happy to do it. i do understand what you mean by to much at the expense of me. that is my R with my W. i am always trying to do stuff to make her life easier. it gets to the point i do nothing for myself. she has come to expect it from me. she asked to use my truck to move. i said no. she aked me to load a very heavy item cuz her mom n her couldnt lift it. i said no. she got mad. i told her she said she wants to do stuff on her own and doesnt need my help. so i am not helping. i do need boundries with her. especially if we do not R.

protecting myself is kind of foreign to me. i never much care about myself and that is bad. i feel guilty for buying or doing stuff for myself. especially when i would buy beer. i did it anyway and drank away my guilt. that is my addiction problem. i am dealing with that. it is way easier than this. i do need to do stuff for myself. my kids come first and always will though.

i know there is no cure for my heartache. i am really hoping to find some techniques that wok for me to lessen it. i need to concentrate on today instead of looking to the future. i am good at letting go of the past. the future scares the sh1t out of me.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2245422 - 05/15/12 08:12 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9123
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Read my last post on my thread, all about fear.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 3/11-12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2245445 - 05/15/12 09:11 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
bug-

i read it..twice now. those are almost exactly the same fears i am trying to deal with. in the past i always dealt with fear by getting angry. mostly at myself for being afraid. i am not getting angry anymore. it doesnt seem to do any good. usually makes things worse. this is new ground i am covering. allowing myself to feel afraid and sad and hurt. im not to comfortable with it.

a guy i work with kinda went through this, so i talk to him about it. he keeps telling me to move on. theres plenty of women out there..etc.. i dont want other women. i want my wife. i took my vows very serious and even without those it wouldnt matter. i am loyal to a fault. once i met her, i only saw my future with her. i still do. what is wrong with people today. they give up when they dont get their way. it doesnt make sense to me. i have hardly ever got my way. i always try to make the best out of a cappy situation. now i cant figure out how to do that with this sitch.

i am afraid my W will never want me back. i am afraid that i may not want her back. she keeps saying she is going to date other people. she may be doing that to get at me, idk. either way, i would never be with her if she did that. the little bit of self respect i have left wont allow me. i am at a point where i need to make a decision. i need to figure out what i want for me.

i dont want to be afraid anymore. i want to be a man only a fool would leave. i am trying very hard to do that. i see changes i have made in myself. my kids see it. my freinds and family see it. she doesnt. why does this matter to me? i think because i love her. i am not making these changes for her, but i am hoping against all odds that it makes a difference with her.

i am sorry i ramble so much. this is also not like me. usually i am very well understood and i write well. i wrote all my wifes papers for one of her classes last semester. she (i) got an A. this whole thing has turned me into an idiot. ugghhh
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2245497 - 05/16/12 12:57 AM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
took my S to baseball. W was supposed to meet me there at 6 so i could make it to my aftercare meeting at 630. she didnt show up till 625. she said sorry i'm late. i said no big deal, thank you. that is a huge 180 for me. i am very punctual and hate being late. she is never on time. usually i am hurrying her out the door. she didnt know what to say when i didnt get mad. i need to keep doing this. being on time is good, but not at the expense of arguing with my W. aftercare was good. im in a good mood finally tonight. plus my S's team beat my sponsor's S's team in a playoff game!
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2245542 - 05/16/12 03:39 AM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2687
Originally Posted By: Broken
she said sorry i'm late. i said no big deal, thank you. that is a huge 180 for me. i am very punctual and hate being late.


I am going to go a different way with you Broken. I know that you used to get mad and that not doing so is a 180. I am not saying to get mad.

But why did you in the past?

Being habitually late is a symptom of someone either being incapable of keeping time or being downright disrespectful of other's time. Letting it pass with out a boundary and a consequence is going to invite more of the same.

It enables the behavior. Do you want more of that? do you think it is healthy in the long term for you or any relationship to allow someone to continually behave this way?

What's next? To avoid confict?

!80's don't mean accept bad behavior. It is to deal with it in a different manner.

She's late.

The next time BEFORE it is an occasion to happen communicate that you expect her to be on time. that YOUR time is as valuable as hers (or even skip that part but recognize it is)and if she is late then X

X could be you leave and she has to meet you.

It won't be fun and she won't like it. And I don't mean you take a spiteful tone. Just cause and effect.

Action and consequence.

Search on here for boundaries and how do establish and enforce them. Sandi has a great explanation somewhere.

There are two kind of folks here usually. Those who give and those who take and there never is one without the other or they would not be together.

You are the former I expect but I won't convince you of that. that is your work to figure out.

IF you set a boundary you must enforce it and it must have consequences (not spiteful ones, ones to protect you against the bad behavior)
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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