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bug-

i tried to talk about money. eventually i gave up. it wasnt worth the fight. and no the money wasnt always there. i do the best i can, but we always seem to be short money for one reason or another. in my opinion, she isnt the greatest at managing money. she likes to buy stuff when she is having a bad day. that is just my perception, and i could be way off.

i know i have done alot of giving up. i understand why she is mad about alot of stuff. on the other hand i feel like she holds things against me because it is stuff she doesnt like about herself. she says i am vindictive. in all honesty the last thing i want to do is fight. i do not do things to try to hurt her on purpose. she does that to me.

i do feel like giving up alot lately. then my mom told me something she read. "there is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough." i think i have had enough. i want to be married to her and live happily ever after. i fear that i have to give up my values in order to have that happen. i dont know if i am willing to do that. i will not be with somebody who is dating other people while being married to me. i am going to require proof. if she wont provide that, i cannot continue doing this. that i am sure of


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Don't look at it as giving up, just making a different choice.

But you don't have to do anything right now.

Only you know when you're done.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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that is true. i do not want to be divorced. but i cant live like this. maybe i am ready to detach. i dread even seeing her right now. i dont like what it does to me. gets me all confused. bond told me awhile ago to go dark. i should have listened, this is definetely not working.

is it wrong of me to want proof that she is not involved with OM. something besides her saying she isnt. because she has lied a few times about it.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Why is that really relevant now? It's likely you either won't believe her or will get bad news. According to DB, the focus should be on you and getting better for yourself and a better life to come.

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If she is anything like my WAW, the anger is there to justify what she is doing. In my case my W will not stop being ticked off at anything I do, the smallest thing sets her off. Why? Because if the anger suddenly disappeared then she would be left wondering why she is causing all this pain. DR says the WAS cannot feel any remorse while they are still angry, they know it deep down inside too. I read a quote on resentment, it is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.

Just tell her that you want to stay married but not under the current circumstances, and that if it does not work out you will be fine. And you will!


M 53, W 48
T 25, M 18
S 15, D 11
"I'me done!" 6/13/2010
Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY
W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed
Separated 1/16/2012
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i believe i will be fine. i am grieving the loss of my wife. it is like she died. but i have to still deal with her. it is making the process alot harder for me. my W is also set off by whatever i do. that is why i need to remove myself from the sitch. i do not want a divorce. i do need reassurance it seems. when our 4 month agreement is up, i am going to ask for proof she has not been talking to OM. if she refuses or says they have. it is over for me. i am not subjecting myself to that type of treatment.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 714
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i am an owl. my wife is a hawk.. wtf


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Hi Dakota, thought I would read up on your sitch since you've posted a few times on mine.

I don't know anything about the 4 month agreement. I read most of this thread but didn't see it mentioned. Did you two agree to not date anyone for 4 months? I have learned through this exp that you either trust or you don't. And that feeling comes from within you. If someone has broken your trust to the point that you are going to demand proof of something then you should ask yourself if getting that proof will really satisfy your worries. I found that my trust issues were rooted in insecurity. I didn't trust someone to want to be with me, to be with me only and so I demanded little tests. There was never going to be a final exam because the problem wasn't them it was me.

A few things that you've said remind me of how my H sounded when he was severely unhappy in our R and just after I walked. He is one of those "nice guys" does everything for everyone, won't confront his boss for a promotion, doesn't like the spotlight, is quietly funny, likeable, and respected. But over time he too decided that he didn't deserve me or some thing like that.

He's said some things since then that shows he's identifed that and wants to change it. Whether he's actually changing it, I don't know. A big thing for him was not to get back together "on my schedule", move into his own place, and date his GF.

This jumped out at me:
Quote:
protecting myself is kind of foreign to me. i never much care about myself and that is bad. i feel guilty for buying or doing stuff for myself.


When was the last time you got a really good haircut? Or bought new clothes in a trendy shop? I'm betting it was a million years ago. Just buying a new shirt will make you feel amazing. Trust me. And the exp of going into a trendy shop and saying to a sales person I need to buy a shirt, here's my price range, what do you suggest will do wonders for your self esteem.

Make a list of everything you would do if nothing were stopping you. This can be big like travelling or small like taking the kids to feed the ducks. But everything you might have thought in passing "I'd like to do that sometime." And make a decision to chip away at that.

Self care is very very important. Do this for you and if you don't have enough motivation to do it for you then do it for your kids. Think about it from their angle and what kind of Dad they want and deserve.

My therapist gave me some papers on ways to increase self esteem. I'll dig them out and type them up. It's very very easy in the grieving process to get stuck in a poor me self pity. Everyone here wants to help you. Be happy that you found this board sooner than many of us did.

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Ways to increase self esteem is to take risks: doing things that you may not do because of a lack of assertiveness. The more risks you take the more your confidence and self esteem improves

Starting up a conversation with someone in line
Going into a cafe alone
taking up a new hobby
acknowledging your strengths to other people
Making time for yourself
buying a different style of clothing
going to see a film you wouldn't normally see
asking for help and support when you need it
giving and taking compliments
eating good food that you enjoy - treat yourself
smile at other people
change your wardrobe - try something new
look into your mirror and tell yourself how much you love and value yourself
Start exercising, dancing, swimming, running
Say no when you want to
pamper yourself, a new haircut, a massage, reflexology
Expect to have a good day and you will
Be creative: bake, do gardening, get crafty
Let go of guilt this destroys self esteem and its ok to let go
make an appreciation list about all the things in life that are good
think about things that you are good at
Go on a weekend break
Let go of negative people in your life: they will make you feel negative too
Look forward, stop blaming yourself for past mistakes: you did the best that you could then now look forward to a positive future.

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Brit gave you some great advice. Get busy!

All the questions that are asked by me and others, are not to get you to believe you were the only one at fault in the M. But rather, they allow you to figure out what you own in the break-up and what you are willing to work on.

If you don't fix it now, you will be back in the same place in the future

Now, this: ask for proof she has not been talking to OM. if she refuses or says they have. it is over for me.

As I said before, it's over when you say it's over.

But this sounds like you're asking her if it's over.

Are you again giving her the power so you don't have to make a decision?

I'm not saying you should live in a situation that you find intolerable but you make the decision.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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