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#2246386 - 05/18/12 04:47 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11339
Your friend is right actually.

Just be careful when he starts pushing you to leave her...if he does. Money says he will, and then...well hopefully you'll have the rockstar back bone to tell him to back off.
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2246389 - 05/18/12 04:52 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
jack-

i understand i need to be watchful of that. he lives 7 hrs away and we rarely see each other. he has never in my life pushed me to do something i didnt want to. he thinks its awesome that i want my M to work. especially knowing what i have been through. he truly is a best friend. he says things i might not want to hear, but need to hear. he listens to me and is empathetic. most importantly he supports me in whatever i feel i need to do. its been like that for about 20 years.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2246409 - 05/18/12 05:32 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
when we started doing what they wanted, it backfired. even though we had the best of intentions, they resent us for that.

I'm going to offer the distaff side of this for a different POV.

My H is a "nice guy"-ask any of a 100 people who know him and that's what they'll say. He rolls with the punches, hard worker, likes to fish, camp, work on cars, never gets mad, always even tempered.

He has said much the same to me, "I did everything you wanted but it seemed it was never enough." That's his viewpont but that's not how I remember things.

I see it as whenever decisions needed to be made, big or small, he took the back seat. Where do you want to eat dinner?: "I don't care, you decide." What do you think about this school compared to this school? (for the kids). "You know more about it than I do, I'm OK with either." Where do you want to go on vacation? "I don't know where would you like to go?" You look so serious, what are you thinking about? "Nothing." The (whatever) is broken, should I call someone or can you fix it? "I'll get to it sometime." Sometime often never rolled around.

And after a bit, I didn't ask his opinion as much. I was programmed, it was faster to just do it myself. I am a controller-fixer, I'm good at making decisions, I get paid to make decisions. Should I have stepped back, yes. Should he have stepped up, yes. We both got lost in the R.

I wanted a full partner, I wanted a man who would say, "I don't know if I agree with that, can we think about?" or "I don't know that much about the 2 schools, let me look into it and let's talk later." or "You know honey, your maternity leave is ending soon, we'd better look into finding daycare."

never gets mad, always even tempered.This is part of the problem too, he didn't know how to express his anger, was afraid of his anger so he bottled it up. So he drank. Then he quit drinking but he still didn't address this.

So, I don't think your wife "got what she wanted" but sometimes the dynamic of 2 personalities create this perfect storm of codependency that isn't helpful to either person.

Thanks for letting me share.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2246411 - 05/18/12 05:34 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: labug]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Also, very cool about playing in the band. There's a great GAL.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2246456 - 05/18/12 07:14 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
bug-

your husband sounds alot like me..i always let her make the decisions for fear of upsetting her. early on, if i didnt agree she would lose it. now that i am not agreeing with her now she is back to that, yelling, calling cops, etc.

i agree i havent been a full partner. i did take the back seat. it was easier that way. im ashamed to say that. i guess its karma. because i took the easy road for so long, this is going to be much harder. once she knew i was "hers", it seemed to me that my ideas and opinions no longer mattered. that is strictly my point of view and is probably way skewed.

i too, drank to bottle feelings. mostly not being good enough for her. to me it seemed, no matter how hard i tried, i failed her. whether thats true or not, only she knows. i know i wasnt there like i should be. that is my cross to bear. now i cant be there for her at all.

the band thing...yeah. thats a maybe right now. i havent played in 11 years. should be interesting. could be alot of fun and/or really funny
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2246459 - 05/18/12 07:28 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
2 questions:

How did you express the fact that you didn't agree?

What did her "losing it" look like?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2246463 - 05/18/12 07:43 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
bug-

it depended. sometimes i would just say i dont want to do that. other times i would say let me think about it. sometimes i would offer alternatives. i tried brainstorming.

her losing it..yelling starts right away. she would yell about why we should do it her way. if i still disagree, then it would turn into a fight. she brings up everytime i let her down, whether it had to do with what we are talkin about or not. she is very good at sayin things that she knows will hurt me the most. i am a long way from figuring out how to disagree and/or set boundries that dont lead to a personal assasination. today it happened when we got S a cell phone. she handed me some bills with stuff writted all over them. the guy was fillin out phone stuff so i asked her what it means. she got rude right away. what does it look like. figure it out. tone of voice and look on her face said alot. i shut down. again. in the parking lot it started again. i asked her to explain it to me. started yelling at me. i said i dont have to take this. i am leaving. she said what is your problem. i said you dont need to act like such a b1tch. oops. that was bad. i know. ever since she moved out, that has been how she is. very rude. not happy or pleasant to be around. and i am not hardly around her. i dont txt her or call unless it involves the kids. yet i am still treated like trash. i dont know if i want to keep dealin with it alot of the time
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2246526 - 05/18/12 10:20 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
She has a lot of anger but I don't have to tell you that. Has she ever tried AlAnon? Not that she would take that suggestion from you but it might help her. I don't think you should raise it with her as that would probably fan the flames.

Just memorize "I feel disrespected when you talk to me that way.If you continue to talk to me in that tone, I will leave." And then leave if she continues. It won't make a difference the first time or maybe not the 10th time or maybe never. But you can remove yourself from the situation.

Was she always in charge of bill-paying in your marriage?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2246529 - 05/18/12 10:27 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
bug-

she went to family night for me at treatment a few months ago. there were some ladies there talking about alanon. needless to say i was the only one whos SO didnt see any progress. thank god my counselor really went to bat for me. anyway, she has been to 2 meetings since then. said she doesnt want to go back because they dont help and they make her more mad at me.

i try walking away. she follows. it really is no fun. so i leave. then i worry about the kids. so i come home. i probably use that as an excuse to come home and fight some more. i believe i am a pain addict.

my W is an accountant so yes, she was in charge of the bill paying. why do you ask?
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2246534 - 05/18/12 10:44 PM Re: My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2 [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8877
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Now I remember you saying that about AlAnon. Too bad but she may get there in her own time.

Bill paying is a big responsibility and can be a huge worry if the money isn't always there. All that robbing Peter to pay Paul...

Did you sit down and talk about money, budget, etc or were you glad you didn't have to worry about it and left it all to her?

Money issues are a trigger for many people (me for one), maybe she's one of them. That's not to excuse her behavior.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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