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#2238882 - 04/18/12 12:56 PM Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
Old thread got locked:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2211192

W and I had a good period. Communication got easier. Being around each other became more frequent and pleasant. Then W said, "The more resovled I am to get divorced, the easier it is to be around you." That marked the beginning of some intense unrest inside of me.

"I can't just let her think that because I'm being quiet that all of this is OK. She can't just sit in her delusional world and think this doesn't hurt our kids."

I've been pushing her more often. Trying harder to get her to talk.

Now, I feel depressed. She's refusing to respond to me for the first time in a good long while. I found out she's been reading a book about Borderline Personality Disorder and DBT. My daughter just started DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) to deal with some of her issues. She exhibits some traits of BPD, but you're not officially allowed to diagnose a teenager because they aren't done cooking yet.

I'd like to read the book so I can understand a little better what I should be doing to help out my daughter and what the DBT is all about, but my wife actually seems to be unwilling to share it with me.

My W is convinced that I am sick. She thinks I have borderline personality in addition to my bipolar. I think she is looking for help in rationalizing her decisions and is unwilling to look at her own part in ANYTHING. I'm so frustrated. And now a crazy part of my brain is thinking that W is withholding the name of the book to get the upper hand on me on something.

I think she wants whatever parts of me that she finds objectionable to remain a secret to me so that I can't work on them and can't interfere with her rejecting me. Or something.

I know I need to disconnect and back off. I am just so frustrated.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2238883 - 04/18/12 12:59 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I just called my wife at work.

"I'm sorry for being a little crazy some times. Please cut me a little bit of slack. This can be hard some times. I'm having crazy thoughts that you're keeping this book from me. That's crazy right? That doesn't make any sense."

She agreed and told me the name of the book was understanding borderline personality disorder helping your loved one cope with or overcome or something. She couldn't come up with it.

I told her I'm going to back off and I'm sorry for being so tweaky lately.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2238886 - 04/18/12 01:11 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
My Text conversations have been occasionally asymetric lately with me just dumping all my thoughts out over the phone. Here are some of the things I've been saying, in case anyone wants to send a 2x4 my way:

Quote:
Sometimes I will hold my phone in my hands for half an hour looking at a blank text, trying to figure out how to reach you.
I want to connect somehow.
I want you to come home.
"I don't want you to change me" (note: this was something I said a week or two before she came back with "I want a separation". Something I regret saying badly, and something that just isn't true any more.)
Think about that. Is that who I am now?
In so many ways, I am still the man you married, and in so many ways, I am different from the man you ran away from.
But you are still scared. You should have seen the look in your eyes when I said D15 wanted us to go back to being ourselves.
I'm sorry you're afraid.(note: W freaked out a little when I mentioned D said this and said something about how D just wanted her to go back to being miserable. So far from true, but WAW's mind is so... traumatized, I guess. Responses and reasoning just seem so irrational some times.)

S**t
I just realized something. I know why I can't go into my apartment. Shame. Being in there makes me feel ashamed of being unable to protect my family and for being inadequate for you.
I don't think I'm inadequate. I wish you could hate divorce half as much as I do. It is so hard to imagine why it is so hard for you to be open to trying to work on the issues that keep us apart.
I hate this life. It is poisonous to me and so hard. I get by but I often feel so horrible inside when I'm with my thoughts.
I believe we have a responsibility to our kids to find a way. So I'll keep looking for constructive things I can do. I will make sure the light is on for you. F**k, W. We can do a lot better than this.
Do you ever ever think of letting me back in?


In retrospect... That was a lot to say over text messaging.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2238889 - 04/18/12 01:25 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
The next day, W said "Please don't take this the wrong way.. I'm not trying to upset you.. but I really need a break and I am going to take off before dinner. I can make dinner first if you want."

I said "I completely understand. I'm not surprised you're looking for a break. You don't have to make dinner."

Then later, I sent her another book:
Quote:
I'm not surprised you needed a break. I've been pushing a little. Intellectually, I know I can't reason our marriage back into being. I need time and consistency, and compassion, and more than a little insight. But sometimes it's hard not to speak up.
But I get scared when I think you won't give us the time. I've got a lot of compassion to share with you. You said when I didn't need you any more, I might find that I don't really love you.
Well, I don't really need you. I've come through the toughest time in my life, and that is no exaggeration, with out your emotional support. What I've found is that I love you unconditionally.
Our kids, all three of them, badly need the support of a strong family. And you know what, when we give to our children, we need each other's support, too.
I think it would be a fantastic gift to your children if you could say, I see that Michael is doing good work and for some reason that I value (kids' best interest, vows, whatever) I will give him time to do his work.
I pushed because I can see that there is stuff that is broken between us that I have to understand before I can make them better.
I'm afraid to wait for (counselor - W is seeing her separately in two weeks, and with any luck, we may see her together after that). It's too long. You said you won't give us time.
Anyway... I hope you give us time. I'll try harder not to push.


then finally:
Quote:
What' the name of the book on your iPad? (no response for 9 hours)
What's the name of that book? (no response for an hour)
If you had a book that would give me the knowledge I need to fix our family, would you tell me? Would you let me have it? I wish I understood why divorce was so important to you and you can't seem to consider the alternative without freaking out.
Why is the idea that I am broken or we are broken (or you are broken?) so important that it needs to be protected?
Why are you so resolved to give up when I am pretty sure you have to be able to see that I am fully engaged in doing whatever it takes. You have to see that, right? Why do you still doubt me?
I have so much "why" and you leave me in the dark and make yourself a secret. Why, love?


There you have it. Stupid stuff an LBH says.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2242951 - 05/04/12 04:20 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I'm back. I find it hard to be on the board some times. I want to think about my problems less, not more. Sometimes reading about everyone else's trouble is hard. There is a lot of struggling going on and my mind drifts to the overall theme of men and women hurting the people they love or at least loved once and how very sad it all is.

Many people, maybe most, don't seem to have the skills to support a healthy marriage and our society isn't lending enough support.

Things have goon poorly with my W over the last month. I've pursued and badgered and beaten her over the head with the idea that I'm a reasonable good person and everything would be better if she would just take a step back and let us work on stuff.

W is seeing my IC today to see how she feels about coming in for a series of couples sessions. My IC is *very* good at what she does, and strongly supports marriage. I trust her.

So, I hope something positive comes out of it, but I've become resigned to the fact that I have to plan on getting divorced this Summer because W is on rails, steaming on ahead to divorce land.

Not asking my W if she is coming to counseling with me Monday will be hard. I wish I hadn't pushed her away so much this month.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2243247 - 05/06/12 02:01 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I find compassion harder to hold onto lately. I feel dark, angry, and resentful. Maybe she'll come to counseling tomorrow. If she does, I'm going to try to say as little as possible... because I am tired and can't think of anything nice to say at this point.

I've been reading "High Conflict Couple". It's a really great book. It would have saved my marriage if I read it a year ago - well, if I understood at that point my marriage was in danger.

I didn't know. I believed our marriage was strong. I believed I was such a great dad and supportive husband this would never happen.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2243253 - 05/06/12 03:13 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10308
I think she wants you to leave her alone. Just leave her be! Stop TM emailing. Stop sending her books and trying to get her to attend sessions with you. You've pushed her ever since you first started posting and you are getting in a darker place. That certainly is not going to be inviting to a WAW. Get help for yourself. Become happy for yourself. Have a life for yourself. Be a great dad. Someday, she may see life with you could be good for her.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2243256 - 05/06/12 03:50 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: sandi2]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 509
Loc: Texas
I think you're asking her so many questions and she's feeling pressured. I know how hard it is to try to get answers from the WAS, but that just pushes them out the door even faster. Be patient and give her time. That's really the only thing that can change her mind.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2243314 - 05/06/12 11:08 PM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: sweetbabyred]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
Thanks for your thoughts, sandi. I really do want to leave her alone, but sometimes I get caught in "OMG! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MY KIDS?!?!?!"

She is planning on coming to counseling tomorrow. I pushed her into it. She made excuses about childcare. I fixed the childcare. She hedged. Finally I said, "Maybe you should come and explain to me why I shouldn't just move home now."

I sent her an email and said sorry for pushing your button, I'd like it if you came, but don't come if it's going to p*ss you off. I really can leave her alone, for months at a time, but I'm all messed up right now because I'm trying to talk her out of Ruining Everything by taking us to the next step.

I'd like to have her sit down with me and the counselor and negotiate whatever sort of space she needs so we can put off the divorce a little longer.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2243346 - 05/07/12 07:14 AM Re: Hello, WAW. Is anyone there? [Re: AlwaysTrying]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10308
How do you know you can leave her alone for months at a time? Have you done in before, under these types of circumstances?

When somebody pushes me to be somewhere or to do something, and if I go to get them off my back....there is resentment. So really, the purpose of the meeting can be lost before it starts.

I have read several stories where the LBH pushed MC and the WAW would use that place & time to announce her decision to D.


Just leave her alone and take care of yourself.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
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