your fear #2 is very legimate, IMO. that's kind of what i'm going through, too. what has made this so is GAL...and time. i've had time to get through all the panic and to think about my H as he really is; not just as the "perfect" man i was losing.
we get to this place because TWO people have failed to take care of the marriage. we believe our WAS's bad opinions of us IN THE BEGINING. as time passes, we begin to remember them as the humans they really are and see the responsibilities they had in the marriage problems. it's kinds of scary thinking about R with that person when we have made so many changes and bettered ourselves...
it does get better, really. but you have to do the work. get out there with other people. do things you've never done before but have always been curious about. stay busy, busy, busy. do more than you want to do, at first, and then do what you like the best. time is a great healer.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
i always enjoy your feedback. you make me laugh.. "why is it that i have to do all this work to get her back."
Because you are the one who wants her back
you make me think... "dont get me wrong. im all about peronal improvement. my question is, if i am a man only a fool would leave, and she does nothing to changee herself, wouldnt i be a fool to try to R?"
Because you're only like this NOW. She spent years putting up with your bad behavior now. Just because you feel like you're ready doesn't mean that she has to feel it. Why should she go according to YOUR timetable?
there are some things that are not true also.. "why do WAS have all this power?"
Before she left, you had the power. You did whatever you wanted to do and didn't care about her feelings much like how she's treating you now.
i never had the power. as far as doing what i wanted, i didnt do that either. yes i drank. so did she. i chose to spend my $35 a week she allowed me on beer. that was not the best decision, but thats the only decision i made. i was not really allowed to make any others. she said she resents me for that. i did what she wanted to avoid her anger and hurtful comments. not much of a man, i know. that is part of the problem im having with boundries.
i also know my fears are irrational. fears usually are. that doesnt make them any less scary for me right now, unfortunately. i am hoping by recognizing them, i will be able to deal with them in a healthy way. not with anger.
the reason i ask about your sitch is because your early posts sound alot like the stuff i think about. now you give me spot on feedback. i am curious how you got to this place. what you did, what you figured out. that kind of stuff
thanks. i dont get many compliments outside of work. i used to believe in myself. my W used to tell me i was cocky..usually she was joking.. but i was a very confident person when i met her. that confidence has slipped away little by little. why? i have no idea. i could blame her, but that is pointless. i did it to myself. i dont believe another person can MAKE me feel a certain way. contribute yes, but ultimately its my decision
Without getting into too much detail, I would say there wasn't one specific thing that happened to me to make me think the way I do now. Each thing that happened to me I took it as a lesson.
For example, I don't know if you read the part about how my W's boss (the OM at the time) came to my working place to get me fired because he claimed I said stuff about him. This wasn't true. But up until that point I had a level of fear about him. Like he was the one whom my W wanted to be with, so he must have been a better man than me. When he showed up, an overwhelming feeling of calm came over me and I knew at that moment I would be okay. So I essentially told him that while I love my job, I loved my W and family more, so he could do his worst. I looked him right in the eye when I said it with no fear, just power. And he backed down.
There was also a period where my W would just get angry at anything I did for her, so I essentially said 'f' that and started going on dates. Now I never approached any of these women, they always asked me out. After going out with several, I learned that I really did love my W more and kept them as friends. But through that I learned that I wasn't a bad guy after all. Or at least not as bad as my W said I was. So that and other experiences helped to improve my self esteem dramatically.
I also modeled my actions and thinking by learning positive traits from role models I admired. I just took the best of those characteristics and incorporated them into my life. For example, the name "Mr. Bond" did stem from Daniel Craig's version of James Bond. I liked his attitude of doing what was right even though others were against him and the idea of going against impossible odds. I didn't take on the negative attitude that he had of using women for his own ends.
Once I detached I started looking at my W as a social experiment of sorts. In a way that's what DBing is. I did something to or for her and see if it got a favorable reaction. If not, then I would do something else.
Unlike many other sitches, my W's reason for leaving kept changing. I noticed that she went through depressive states after the births of each of our children and even though I mentioned that she should get help, she wouldn't. And I learned to stop changing her in that way.
Oh don't get me wrong, I wasn't the perfect H, but I took care of my W in the way that I thought she wanted me to. I got rid of any bad habits, which there really weren't any. I didn't waste money, abuse drugs, etc. I just put myself in the shoes of my W and became the man I believed she wanted.
Another important thing I did was read anything and everything I could about marriage, relationships, what women think, etc. I even learned how to read body language so I could detect shifts in my W's behavior. If I said something to her and saw that she was starting to get uncomfortable about it, I would slightly alter the conversation in another way until I saw that she was comfortable about it. I also listened to relationship podcasts and audiobooks. I essentially became a sponge for everything. That's actually helped me to save a few of my friends' marriages along the way.
I also put in 200% attention into my daughters and became the best dad I could. I coached, ran workshops, volunteered, etc. That also helped.
After each month goes by in my sitch, things get better and better between my W and I. This past Mother's Day we had a great time together and it was very natural how well we gelled.
I would say the most important thing to learn through all this ... it's patience. Patience doesn't mean waiting around and being a doormat, it means taking the time to learn and grow according to your circumstances. Through that, you learn self-control and strength.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Oh and most importantly, I listened to posters here. I learned alot from Coach, 25yrsmlc, sandi, puppydogtails, and others. Even though I may not have agreed to what they were saying, I took each point and learned an aspect of it. I started thinking that even though I didn't agree with something, maybe my W did.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
JS- mo apologies neccassary. that was very well done.
Bond-
thank you for that. it really does mean alot. i always am reading what you post everywhere. like you said, being a sponge. i really identify with your fear about not being as good as the OM. my W's most recent EA (wich she denies it being that, they ae "just friends". im not getting into that.) was/is with a co worker who is also married. i thought, why is this guy so much better? what does he have that i don't? etc.. so i did some research. he has nothing better than me. maybe a nicer truck. wooppee. he is fat, balding, full of himself and a cheat. most of all he is not a man. after he found out i knew about him, i went to my W's office wit the kids to meet her. he was there. i said "hi X, nice to finally meet you." he wouldn't even look at me. thats when i knew he wasn't a man. my wife is still mad at me for that. oh well, theres alot worse i could have said, but i took the higher road i believe. i am not afraid of not being as good as him anymore. as far ass i'm concerned he is a piece of garbage.
also, my W will not give me a straight answer on why she is leaving/left. it changes so much i have felt like i was losing my mind trying to keep up.
i am also reading everyting i can get my hands on. some of it sinks in, some doesnt. i am trying to implement the things i have learned. that is proving to be easy to say, hard to do. i am doing aa workbook on becoming a better dad also. my kids deserve that. i have always been a good dad, but i want to be GREAT!
patience is my biggest stumbling block. that and fear. why have you kept going? i know why i want to, yet i question it everyday.
my W came to watch the kids so i could go to aa. showed up 2 mins before the meeting started. i really need a babysitter. she ssaid we are going through the kids' stuff sunday. i said i have pplans. she said she has plans saturday. she wanted to know what i was doing so i told her. i asked what hers were, big mistake, aand she flipped out. oh well. tomorrow is another day. i need to stick to the rules and find patience.
today was good when i was working. no time to think. then i get off work, and all the thinking starts. im feeling down again. i know i need to move on. stop dwelling on what should be, and focus on right now. right now isn't a very nice place to be. my W left me, doesnt love me and will not talk without yelling. my kids are confused. i am confused.
a part of me just wants to stop all this. move on. divorce. i dont know. i have always been an all or nothing kind of person. i dont like being in the middle ground. to detach i feel like i cannot be with her at all. if i go that route though, my family is ruined forever. if i put my all into her i am pursuing, and lose her and myself. i dont want that. i am sick of feeling like a pinball.
i have this bad feeling that she is still in contact with OM. her having guys as "friends" is not okay with me. it never will be. i believe it is morally wrong on so many levels. i do not have girls as "friends", nor do i want them. if she dates or keeps talking to this OM, i am so done. i will never be able to look at her or touch her. i will love her always, but will not be able to be around her. we are in a 4 month separation contract that states there will be no dating. i will want her to prove to me that she is not dating or talking to OM. is that wrong of me to want proof? i will happily give her proof that i am not talking to other women.
