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Hey Crimson,

Just wanted to drop in and wish you well and good vibes my friend.
I'll let the vets chime in on the 37 rules question as I am in violation of some of those quite frequently. Remember the believe nothing that you hear and less than 50% of what you see (that one keeps me sane I think) mantra and keep your chin up!!!


me 38
W 30
T 3
M in 05/2010
Separated 08/2011
Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8
I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5
Anxiously waiting on the judge!
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Yes, I would say as dim as possible and 37 rules.

You DO need to detach... but even more so... your W needs to BELIEVE you detached...

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Crimson, I still miss my wife every day. We don't have a little one that brings us in contact, and until yesterday went three weeks without so much as a word from her. Try to stay busy with things you enjoy - if you like to fish, go fish. If it's motorcycles, go ride. Whatever it is. How did you spend free time before you were together?

Enjoy the small positives, in things completely unrelated to your marraige. If it's a nice day outside, take a moment to be consciously grateful for it, for example.

I'm not trying to be smart alec in just re-posting what getting-a-life is all about, but just trying to be more illustrative. In my case, keeping busy with exercise, getting the house in shape, and other hobbies/interests has kept me from wallowing much (there's just no time to do it!!). Even though I miss her, that doesn't really define me. And I also found that when you look for small positives, and go out of your way to allow yourself to feel good about them and ACKNOWLEDGE that you do, you start to LOOK for them - you start LOOKING for the good all around you, all the time, even when otherwise you might be in a pretty dark place...


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
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So just regrouping on the 37 Rules based off of where I am in my situation. Couple of things for the experts or anyone else out there that has an opinion.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

Son and I went to one of those "make your own pottery" places and he painted a giant plate for her for Mother's day. It doesn't mention the holiday, just has the year on it and his name. Do I still give this to her - or do I hang on to it?



13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

Does this really matter at this stage? Granted, I will always look presentable if nothing more for the sake of my own pride - but I question if she evenmn notices this stuff at this point.


24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

This for sure worked once. Will it again? Seems as if me being kind of gone is what she wants (or am I mind reading?). Like I said, it blows because we have been getting along and now we have fallen back to this stage.


29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.


OK, I know for a fact that I did a ton of positive, consistent 180's and still it has landed me seemingly nowhere. I won't stop them, because they have been good for me - but I am seriously questioning the value that consistency in action has with a WAW....well, in my situation anyway.


32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.


Is this still valid at this stage? It's been several months now. She is still saying a lot of negatives....well she did today, anyway...."I don't trust you, etc."

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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
I'm not trying to be insensitive, but you really have to let go nd detach. I know you fear doing that like holy hell, but it is necessary to save YoUrSELF!


It's time, Crimson. She has made it clear herself that you continue to push her away by not doing so. But, again, that shouldn't be your concern. Your concern should be accepting the reality that right now you are not in a romantic R with anyone. You are effectively a divorced man with a young son whose Mom you are still on good terms with. Life could be ALOT worse -- you could see that if you could only detach from what seems right now to you to be an all-consuming negative thing in your life.

Re: your questions on the "Rules", I'll answer one -- if you and your wife were already divorced, would you help your son give/get her a Mother's Day gift? Myself, I would, because she is the mother of your son, and your S's mom. But it should be about your son giving it to his Mom (and maybe you thanking her as his mother, NOT as your wife). That's just me, though.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
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You put so much pressure on yourself and on her that I am surprised you both haven't exploded in the last month.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
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My post from 05/01 is still about where I think you should be. Maybe even a bit more distant now since you have pressured/pursued her more since then.

Originally Posted By: bustorama
Crimson, my friend, you are as anxious about getting things "right" as I was. I still think your big picture is that you need to relax and let life come to you more than you need to worry about if you are getting things "right."


Originally Posted By: bustorama
The problem is that the more that YOU try to open their heart actively (by pursuit/pressure/asking about R/working on R), the more they defensively shut off to you -- because they see it as your ulterior motives -- it being about you and your needs, rather than about her hurt and her needs to feel safe and loved again.


Originally Posted By: Crimson
And if it IS trust that needs to be rebuilt (assuming that she is honest about the postives she's stated above) how to I do I help her get that back over time? I know that it is a matter of being consistent - and I think I have been doing a reasonable job there. But what more is there to it? If anything? And what if being "consistent" has a "pursuing" feel to it?


Originally Posted By: bustorama
See above. You just be a damn good guy living your life with your S and treat her well when she approaches you. The most powerful thing you really can do is to really listen to her and be emotionally there for her. So much of attachment is about that. Don't overdo it or feel compelled that you need to initiate anything or flatter/pursue her or it will backfire.


Quote:
Which brings me to my next point - "work on things". What does that mean for a WAW? She kind of pulled the plug on MC and I have not reintroduced the topic in awhile....should I?


Originally Posted By: bustorama
No, don't reintroduce MC. Don't try to control what "working on things" means. Let her define it. You simply agree, say, sure, I'm all about working on things. Then get busy with yourself and live your life with your S. Let her initiate whatever she means by "working on things." You want her to be the one to initiate the steps. Just be ready to reciprocate with mojo. If she doesn't initiate anything to "work on things," then fine you have your answer. Her clock will be slower than you would like things to be, so you need to GAL and be busy with yourself.

She's got alot going on before she can get back into a relationship with you since she is in the midst of a divorce.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
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Thank you for the responses, Busto.

I know how the LBS feels changes seemingly day by day, but today I feel like just waving the white flag. Maybe tomorrow or next week or next month will be different, but today that's where I am.

I went to the Diamond Backs - Giants game last night with a dear friend from grad school. We were talking about my sitch and the my w stating that we shouldn't communicate until the conclusion of legal proceedings. Then, *poof* - she texts me a picture of s with a big smile on his face - like she never said not to communicate. I didn't respond.

I hope I have the strength to be done for awhile. I feel as though if she had a choice between reading something I do as negative or positive towards her she would take negative every time. For now, I just can't take it anymore. God knows I have done nothing but try to be positive, supportive and present.



Crimson

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Crimson, I realize that we try to not label a WAS with MLC... the reality is, the work is the same, regardless...

I do think that you might get some insight though, to take a closer look at MLC...

I know, I know, vets... but the confusion she appears to be showing... Crimson, if this is MLC...

Again, detach... GAL... get out of your W's head... and be prepared that this could be a much longer path, yet...

IDK, I would love to hear from a WAS regarding this confusion... does a WAS really "forget" boundaries and send these types of "mixed messages"...?

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KD-

The thought has crossed my mind a million times but I have dismissed it because, as you said, the work is the same. Moreover, there is nothing I can do about it. And lord knows don't dare introduce the topic to her.

Holding arm on minute, yelling at me the next, wanting a D, wanting to go through IVF again, saying we shouldn't communicate, then sending text messages.....I could go on.

I don't know for sure what MLC looks like, but like I said - I have wondered. Regardless, it remains a path I should probably stay off of - because really, what can I do about it anyway if that is what part of this is?

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