yup - i used that all last night and today - as i wept pretty much non stop, and it really really helped - i think it was seriously instrumental in calming me down.
talk about self-validation. made me feel so good to comfort myself with those simple words
stubborn you are a genius!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Careful, you guys. It may not seem so when I'm agonizing over my own sitch, but my head is plenty big enough as it is.
Speaking of agonizing, I'm bringing some of my pre-goal contortions over here so as not to clog the goals thread.
Originally Posted By: zig
SO I want you to write - for yourself - what does it mean for stubborn to imagine stating and achieving those personal goals, without taking anyone else into consideration? How will she state them, how will she act when she is doing them. what will she do or say if they don't suit someone else. what will it take for stubborn to feel that it is completely okay not to want sugar in her food, even if someone else does? why does stubborn get bothered if P gets peeved if stubborn doesn't want it a certain way as P does?
when you show that you respect your body to take care of it, despite what anyone else may think - it's attractive - calm, non-defensive, self-assured "i don't need you to tell me what's good for me, I know that for myself" attitude
But you can't act like that until you feel like that - so let's work on that first okay?
Yes, something is broken. Some of it is just basic codependent fears that need more work. Some of it is tied in with specific past hurts with P. So, even if I know that it's perfectly reasonable for me to choose foods that P finds annoying or inconvenient, there's the big fat association in my head of "P complained about that and then she dumped me." That's a hurdle for me to get over.
To be fair, P said she felt like I was picky about too many details in life. I was usually expressing my opinions and preferences, and she was usually opting to just go along rather than express hers. Eventually, it felt like too much to her and even my reasonable requests felt unreasonable. The truth is that I need to STFU a whole lot more and make more space for P to express herself. That does not mean that I let go of what is really important to me.
My challenge is to identify what's really important and let go of what's not. I hope that if she's not being overloaded by excess demands P will respect and be at ease with the reasonable boundaries I will have. I can't control that. I can only hope. And I do, because the rejection feels really lousy.
From listening to all those Pia Mellody tapes, I see that my urge to control all the details around me is an attempt to minimize my discomfort with the difficulties of life. I've been practicing my new tools for coping on my irritating housemate. I still have a long way to go, but things feel lighter and easier.
Enough detour.
what does it mean for stubborn to imagine stating and achieving those personal goals, without taking anyone else into consideration?
It means letting go. Jumping off a cliff. Facing the possibility of excluding P or causing her to reject me. (Yes, I know. She already has. So much for genius!) There's fear. Core codependent stuff. So, the flip side is that if I do this then I am free of that chain. At least for the moment!
How will she state them?
Simply and confidently.
how will she act when she is doing them?
Quiet, calm, and confident.
what will she do or say if they don't suit someone else?
I can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Then, if it's P, I will grieve the loss of the desire to make allowances and be kind.
what will it take for stubborn to feel that it is completely okay not to want sugar in her food, even if someone else does?
Really I do. I'm stymied by the consequences, though. I understand why P has an unreasonable response to this particular thing. I helped create it and now I get stuck in it.
why does stubborn get bothered if P gets peeved if stubborn doesn't want it a certain way as P does?
I think I answered that one first. Because she dumped me over her peeves.
Okay, enough for tonight. Thanks again for all your help, Zig.
you're welcome, stubborn - you are doing brilliant
keep digging, okay?
what will it take for stubborn to feel that it is completely okay not to want sugar in her food, even if someone else does?
Really I do. I'm stymied by the consequences, though. I understand why P has an unreasonable response to this particular thing. I helped create it and now I get stuck in it.
are you sure you helped create it?
i thought i did too for a long time - similar stuff, then i started to STOP being responsible for my h's decisions on how he was going to react to what ever was in his life, and decided that i would only be responsible for my reactions.
we know now, through all we've learned through DB'ing that only we are responsible for how we choose to react to what comes into our circle. we don't expect to put the blame onto anyone else any longer, because we know we have control over which way we choose to go.
why would we then not apply the same concept to our spouses?
how could you do something different so you don't get stuck in it??
Because she dumped me over her peeves.
yes i was so conscious of that for a long time - it did drive many of the changes i initially made. but there will come a point where you will be independent of that thought and your changes will continue, regardless of whether it was an issue for your spouse or not.
we need to continually strive for that point...
thanks for all the support and the hugs today - it meant a lot to me
((((( ))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Yes, but thanks for the reminder that I wasn't dancing solo. I had my part in it and I can address that (after I jump the hurdle of the fear). That alone changes the dance. P can address her part or not.
how could you do something different so you don't get stuck in it??
This processing is it. Recognizing the dynamics, processing my feelings. Then I don't feel so deer in the headlights. I remember all the things I know that evaporate out of my brain when I start to feel I'm in a stuck spot. I always try to come up with mantras that will help talk me down, bring me back to where my brain will work again.
Originally Posted By: zig
Because she dumped me over her peeves.
yes i was so conscious of that for a long time - it did drive many of the changes i initially made. but there will come a point where you will be independent of that thought and your changes will continue, regardless of whether it was an issue for your spouse or not.
we need to continually strive for that point...
Yes, and intellectually I know that some of her complaints were real and valid, while others were just irritation and rationalizing - spew. Sometimes it's hard to know which was which. And even when I want to dismiss one as static born of her general dissatisfaction and anger before she left, I definitely have the emotional memory that gives me pause.
I know that I can't stay stuck and hung up on any of these painful hurdles. There's no way forward without finding a way to be open. If I let the painful spots close me down, then I'll just be on this treadmill forever. It's already been long enough to seem like forever...
I'm thinking that some good practice for me might be to replay some of the painful conversations in my head while using the internal boundaries I learned from Pia. Analyzing the painful things P said, having my feelings about them if they're true (accepting and apologizing), letting them drop and saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" if they're not.
I'm thinking about mantras to help overcome the hesitation from those fear hurdles that pop up here and there.
For perspective: "What's she going to do, dump me?" (If I've already faced my worst fears, why am I hung up on anything else?)
Give myself reassurance: "I have everything I need to handle whatever unfolds."
Embrace fear in this situation as it proves that I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone and doing things differently. Instead of getting slowed down by fear, I can feel proud for moving through it.
Regarding my issues of wanting to control things (with anyone) to minimize my discomfort:
Remember to be an observer, think: "Isn't that interesting?", and STFU.
I'm sure that all sounded like a detour, but I'm thinking of it as a prerequisite. Now I'm headed back over to the goals thread for a second try.
as long as the detours help you to find the right way to where you're going - then they can be really useful.
sounds to me like it's not so much a detour as a preparation step - that you recognize that in order to really fulfill your goals, you have to change your perspective first....
see you on the goals thread:)
zig
ps - i love the new quiet determination you are beginning to express - it's showing a lot of focus - which is imperative for pursuing and reaching your goals
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Copying the goals over here for ease of reference and tracking.
Quote:
For the next two weeks:
1. I will value myself by improving my fitness.
Action: 3x 30 min biking or other cardio each week and 3x 30 min strength training.
I will feel energized, physically competent, and proud of my improvements.
2. I will value myself by continuing to prioritize healthy eating.
Action: I will make sure to have healthy food available whether I'm at home or on the road. I will think about options for how I want to handle occasional "cheating". How often feels right to me and under what circumstances?
I will feel relaxed, knowing that I'm nurturing good health. When my boundaries for diversions are clarified, I'll feel calm and in control.
3. I will nurture my PMA by paying attention to my feelings and addressing any issues that arise.
Action: I will stick to goals 1 and 2. I will remember to smile. I will review helpful mantras or meditate daily. I will sit with discomfort, remembering to comfort myself with helpful mantras.
I will feel centered, warm, open, and resilient.
Thanks for all your help, Zig. I felt like I was doing fine for quite a while, then P's impending visit caused more "stuff" to bubble to the surface. I appreciate your effort and skill in pulling me out of that little tailspin. I feel immensely better. I'm sure more will come, but practice climbing out makes it easier next time.
In rewriting the goals, in addition to the format, I found a couple particularly helpful things I borrowed from others. Prefacing it with "for the next two weeks" makes it feel very short term, finite and doable. NG's "I will value myself by..." reminds me to identify what core needs are being met each goal. That feels empowering.
I'm thinking about mantras to help overcome the hesitation from those fear hurdles that pop up here and there.
For perspective: "What's she going to do, dump me?" (If I've already faced my worst fears, why am I hung up on anything else?)
Give myself reassurance: "I have everything I need to handle whatever unfolds."
Embrace fear in this situation as it proves that I'm stepping outside of my comfort zone and doing things differently. Instead of getting slowed down by fear, I can feel proud for moving through it.
Regarding my issues of wanting to control things (with anyone) to minimize my discomfort:
Remember to be an observer, think: "Isn't that interesting?", and STFU.
I'm sure that all sounded like a detour, but I'm thinking of it as a prerequisite. Now I'm headed back over to the goals thread for a second try.
Detour?!? I love this... so much so that I am going to steal it.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Daily check-in for my goals. Food and exercise, check and check. PMA, dragging a bit.
The final stretch on the tiling is really tough. Every single tile needs to be cut and fit. The saw shot what seemed like a handful of tile dust in my eye yesterday, so it was squinty, painful, cyclops tile setting. Not perfect, but I'm no longer fearing blindness this morning. Four more nasty tiles to go before moving on to grout land. I'm frustrated by the "everything always takes longer" law of nature.
Goal #3 is to pay attention to this and find some helpful mantras to keep me moving through it.
Maybe I should start with my all purpose home improvement motto: "Well, it'll be a lot better than it was." It's actually looking pretty good at this point. I think I avoided any loud imperfections that will grab they eye. Relative to the relentless non-squareness of the old house, my work looks more exact than it is. Big relief. I can see that it's going to look okay.
Maybe another mantra about one step at a time. Just keep moving forward. Focus on what's immediately in front of me and not the overwhelming size of the task.
Rather than be discouraged about what's dragging, I can focus on being proud of myself for all that is getting accomplished. Like, I'm getting rid of excess stuff via recycle and craigslist. (Someone just called about something. Yay!) And I'm learning Spanish, listening to CD's, amusing the neighbors as I recite Spanish phrases while on my bike rides.
I will continue to do what I can and it will be good enough.
Then, if it's P, I will grieve the loss of the desire to make allowances and be kind.