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Well, I'm on the road again. P will be gone when I return.

It's definitely easier to focus on me when she's not around. I mean, it's easier to be zen about her being away on a silent meditation retreat when she's actually away. When she's in the same house with me and acting like she's on a silent meditation retreat (okay, bit of an exaggeration) it's another matter.

On the one hand, here are great opportunities to observe our interactions, our habits, make changes, etc. On the other hand, what I'm NOT getting speaks so loudly that I have a hard time getting past "ouch, this hurts" and thinking more constructive, analytical thoughts.

We were working together on a house project. That's often a source of stress as we have different approaches, working styles, philosophies. We each made some changes in order to try to avoid getting into really frustrated spots.

My change was to slow down and put more effort into listening to P's ideas along the way. I made a major change of plans based on her input. P's changes were to a) tell herself that it's my house and my project and she doesn't have to agree with how I decide to proceed and b) instead of standing around and watching me do something and being bored and frustrated she would go read her book. She was particularly proud of the latter solution. I found it to be inefficient and immature (as she would silently wander off rather than either taking initiative or asking me what was next or asking if I needed help with the piece I was working on).

Sadly, my response wasn't much better. I was pretty angry by the third time she wandered off. I couldn't really concentrate on my calculations and I just wanted to wander off myself for a bike ride. I thought that would be too rude, so I asked if P wanted to go for a bike ride. No, she looks up from her book to say she wants to work on the project(?), and besides I probably want to go for the type of ride that would hurt her injured knee (WTF?). She figured she'd go for a ride by herself (on the trail that we'd been looking at together over the past few days) when I was unavailable (working for a few hours). Ouch.

All standard stuff, but I'd lost perspective. I expressed my frustrations and we did get some good work done. The next morning, I suggested bringing my bike along, too, as there was a possibility that my work gig would be really short. That was met with an emphatic, "I don't want to wait around!" More ouch. So, we pulled out without the bike, but I had to tell her how hurt I was and she denied anything but lack of imagination in seeing any possibilities for how a bike ride might happen. Then she miraculously thought of a possibility and insisted we get the bike.

Later in the day I was thinking more clearly and kicking myself for all the emotional drama. With a little processing time, I'm seeing how I was getting stuck in the painful parts that are completely predictable. I also was listening to Pia again. She talks about the pursuing partner being so uncomfortable with lack of feedback and "bombing" the distancing partner to get some connection (positive intensity is great, but negative intensity will do). Ugh. That's exactly what I did. I was so uncomfortable that I had to try to fix it. Couldn't just shut up and let it be.

I'm hoping that this awareness of the specifics for me will help me prepare and do better next time. May not be until September. P initially talked about coming back one week a month, but she's taking a part time job that will tie her up all summer. It's not for the money, it's to have an "anchor in her day" at her new location.

Overall, this visit felt much cooler than the last. I don't know if it was entirely P or if it was partly that I was hanging back and being careful to let P take the lead in any affection. It may be that she was doing the same thing.

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hi SD,

thank you for updating. i was wondering how you were doing. i so admire your strength and patience. it sounds like you made some really positive changes (listening, slowing down.)

i can not imagine how hard it must have been to have her there and not allow the hurt to override your thinking and hold yourself back from reacting to the hurt.

i like the Pia quote that you mentioned. i have definitely been a stealth bomber to connect. i have been reading her book on Love Addiction and it has really helped me see myself and my M much more clearly. Thank you for the recommendation.

I also really like how you reframe the time apart/distance to building awareness and preparing for the next time. i will use that as well.

thank you for sharing, SD. ((( )))


Me(f): 51 W: 41
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Hey NG, thanks for stopping by. I always prefer to learn from other people's mistakes, so glean all you can from mine.

I'm trying to break it down into baby steps. First I have to identify consciously when I get into these uncomfortable places. Then I have to take care of myself, soothe myself, center myself without asking P (or whoever) to change something. It doesn't sound like rocket science but it might as well be. I'm going to have to write down a plan (and probably staple it to my forehead...)

This morning P sent an email asking if I'd be willing to take over the job of selling the land (but only if I'd take some money for it.) I said I'd be happy to help, but that I'm not up for being the lead on another project right now. Strangely, someone actually called me this afternoon expressing interest in the land. I gave P a quick call to give her a heads up about that. Tonight she called because she wanted to compare blood test results from our recent physicals (could I make this up?)

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It sure does sound easier than it is. I am struggling with the same thing, soothing myself instead of looking to someone else to make it better.

LOL at stapling it to your forehead...

I think I have to try that. And/or put it on tape, a continuous loop playing into my ear...

Too funny about the blood test results...might be a DB board first.


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I haven't updated in a while. I've been reading the boards, but pretty quietly. I've been stressing and processing, observing and learning.

When P was here to help on one project, she ended up getting another one started. Then she had to leave. I was really struggling with it as it's something I haven't done before. I really like to do things right, so it takes a certain amount of psyching myself up as well as enough research for me to feel confident that I'm ready to plow ahead. I always do way more of research and cogitating than P would and it drives her nuts.

I was feeling time pressure to get it completed (it's the shower!) I was feeling anxiety about all the parts I wasn't sure how to do. I was feeling put upon by it all. I was imagining P's thoughts about my slow progress. Finally, I dug out from under all that.

I realized that I was feeling resentful about being stuck with this project right now. I often feel put upon by the big projects that go with this house. Especially if I feel like I'm tackling them alone. I don't want to feel that way. And our thoughts control our feelings. So, I'm reminding myself that it's an opportunity for me to learn something new (which I love) and to do something that I'll be proud of.

I also realized that I was feeling inadequate because of P's frustration with my process. I don't want to feel that way either. I get to have my process and do things in a way that works for me. And I don't have to feel bad about it. I can certainly negotiate ways to work with someone else's needs, too, but mine are legitimate.

After all that, I did finally make some visible progress. I'll be on the road this week, but I hope to be able to seriously plow ahead when I return.

P's been in occasional touch, mainly with updates on our winter gig. First choice fell through and she's been running other options by me. We had a 45 minute phone call this morning (I ended it first). Some talk about these winter gig options, some talk about a fixer upper house she's looking at, some general catching up on what we've each been up to. I am genuinely interested and happy about what she's doing. She asks for my advice on all sorts of things.

When we hang up I need to give myself some time to feel the sadness of it all. All those interesting things she talked about doing, the shocked little little voice in my head kept saying, "Without me!"

After the lukewarm tone of her visit, I thought she might let the winter gig go after our first choice fell through. (I guess my M.O. is to prepare myself for the worst. P doesn't like that negativity.) But she's pursuing other options. I'm pleasantly surprised. (I guess I prefer being pleasantly surprised to having optimistic hopes dashed.) I don't know what she's thinking, but I'm not complaining. It's likely that I'll have stresses and resentments to deal with, but I'm glad that I might have the opportunity to spend more time together.


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Hi SD,

I love to read your posts. I am amazed that you are able to give her space so well and to be caring and supportive without expectations. Truly inspiring!

I like too how you have been able to catch yourself, understand how your thoughts about the project and your P impacted you, and readjust your thinking about the shower.

Thanks for stopping by my thread. smile


Me(f): 51 W: 41
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D final: 8/13
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Thanks NG.

Another lengthy call today. P wanting my thoughts as she considers that fixer upper. It's exactly the kind of thing I love and she drops mention of a few details that would be important to me, but she had previously said they weren't important to her. So, either she doesn't disagree so much or she's trying to gauge my interest level.

She also talked about how she doesn't have a suitable vehicle for picking up bulky items she would need in the process of remodeling. I do. (She has the little car with good mileage and I have the cargo van.) Fortunately, there wasn't a big enough pause in the conversation for me to start offering all the ways we might work that out.

I gave her my thoughts about the deal in general. I said it sounded good if that's the kind of thing she wants to do. I said it sounded like a fun project (for her - I didn't put myself in there at all).

On the one hand, it does sound like an exciting project that I'd love to help out with (if invited). On the other hand, I have my own fixer upper to work on. P's level of help has been greatly reduced and I suspect that would about kill it.

I'm trying to figure out what to do about P's upcoming birthday. This would be a lot easier if she hadn't showed up (albeit accidentally) for mine. She ended up giving me a non-trivial tool that is very helpful for the shower project. I'm sure a part of that was her feeling guilty for initiating the project and then leaving before it was done. I hate trying to figure this stuff out!


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Well, after all the urgent questions about the fixer upper, P signed off with "talk to you later", giving me the impression that I'd get a status update before long. It turned out to be pretty long relative to the time frame of what was going on. She called last night to let me know she'd decided against it. Based on what she said, she probably did the deciding much earlier in the day, if not the day before.

Another lengthy talk with a lot of just catching up. I ended it first. She again signed off with "talk to you later", which I am no longer interpreting to mean "before long."

So, I see that I just took myself on a little roller coaster ride. I keep looking for signs of what she's thinking. Bad idea. She's just going to have to use her words and tell me directly if she wants me to know. And I have to go about my business assuming that there's no point in trying to figure out what she's thinking. No point! (This is for when I need to remind myself.)


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Originally Posted By: StubbornDyke
Well, after all the urgent questions about the fixer upper, P signed off with "talk to you later", giving me the impression that I'd get a status update before long. It turned out to be pretty long relative to the time frame of what was going on. She called last night to let me know she'd decided against it. Based on what she said, she probably did the deciding much earlier in the day, if not the day before.

Another lengthy talk with a lot of just catching up. I ended it first. She again signed off with "talk to you later", which I am no longer interpreting to mean "before long."

So, I see that I just took myself on a little roller coaster ride. I keep looking for signs of what she's thinking. Bad idea. She's just going to have to use her words and tell me directly if she wants me to know. And I have to go about my business assuming that there's no point in trying to figure out what she's thinking. No point! (This is for when I need to remind myself.)


Now you know the trigger for the roller coaster, you can avoid it in the future.

Maybe just a card for the birthday?

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Originally Posted By: verab754


Now you know the trigger for the roller coaster, you can avoid it in the future.


Well, that's mighty optimistic of you. wink

Yeah, a card is certainly an option. I realized that I feel completely stuck about the birthday decision, like there's no good answer and I'm stressing about finding one. Trying to squirm out from under the burden of this impossible decision. I wrote about another instance of that feeling a few pages back. And I'm feeling a bit of it when I think about some aspects of the winter gig.

I've realized that this stuck feeling is an old one. I'm starting to get enough perspective so that I can recognize it and realize that my associated feelings of helplessness aren't necessary. I still have no idea what I'm going to do about P's birthday, but I now trust that I can feel centered and strong as I outsmart the obstacles to figuring it out.

P has never been one for surprises. She usually asks what people want and makes arrangements well in advance, saying, "I've decided to get you X for the holiday next month. How does that sound?" So, one option would be for me to ask her what she wants. Her answer would likely indicate exactly where she is on the guilt scale. Always good to know...


Me - 54
P - 59
Together 5 yrs
She left 4/2012
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