read your post sd - time to go read your goals and stop the spinning before it reaches a speed where it's not all that easy to slow down.
so what i all on this list you have to get done before P arrives?
are they on that list because you want to impress her in some way?
i ask, because that's what i did for a long time - always trying to give h the impression that i was totally with it, on it and had my [censored] togehter.
i finally stopped - it's bl@@dy exhausting.
only do the things that you need to do for YOU - not for her. she can take it or leave it.
your starting to feel overwhelmed by that list is a good sign that you aren't necessarily doing those things for you. so go back to your goals, read them as often as you can - actually reading them, will help tremendously in centering you again.
and make it First Priority - over everything else that you will center and ground yourself before taking care of anything else or anyone els
you can do this sweet girl - you're there, but you maybe just don't quite know it
i read something that really helped me from Beattie's book - that we have to learn to trust that we will make it through the ordeal and come out fine - and i realized that i hadn't felt that yet - and it's time to start believing that we ARE strong enough to make it through this
(((((( ))))))
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Hi SD, how about some mantras to keep you focused on you? like asking yourself "what is best for me right now?" or even reminding yourself to get back on the picnic blanket. i like how busting has been doing that with her H lately, going to her room when she needs, taking breaks or going on the computer..
i still love the origami boxes as a visual reminder, perhaps you can have each one remind you of a different mantra.
we will be here as busting told you!!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Hey NG. Thanks for the mantra suggestions. I can always use those! Yeah, I'll be able to post, though one of my 180s is to not spend so much time in front of the computer...
DB coach always asks, "What will she SEE that's different?" Mentally, I have to add, "And what will she not see that's more of the same?"
Thanks, Zig, for the jelly bean trail out of my funk. I focused and got some work done this morning, then got my bike ride in (while getting my counting up to nine in Spanish). Those endorphins really are magical.
Some of the stuff on my list is about having the house all clean and neat. Some is about getting things lined up for the roof project. In both cases, I have fears about flunking P's (conscious or not) tests. I have to keep reminding myself that it all has to be good enough for me, that what matters is that I respect myself.
Thanks Zig, also, for the thoughts about the housemate. Since P left, I've spent a lot of time and energy sorting through it all. And there's still a long way to go.
It took me a long time and a lot of meditation to get to the point where I could have a reasonable conversation with him about a couple of my biggest complaints. I thought it wasn't fair of me to expect him to read my mind and it was rather immature of me to just be frustrated and angry. I started with some simple requests, first general, then more specific and blunt, restated over time as they didn't seem to have any effect despite his nodding or saying yes. We had a scheduled conversation a few weeks ago. I was truly touched by his sensitivity, responsiveness, and kind approach. And not one bit of change resulted.
Now if I were P or, say, Mother Theresa, perhaps I really wouldn't mind cleaning up after him. But I do. Now, I can see that this is a great opportunity to practice kindness, letting go of some things, stepping outside my comfort zone, and on and on. I'm willing to do that some, but likely not as much as would be required here. My approach to this is to practice all of the above, along with asking for what I want, and trying to discern and decide on my own reasonable limits.
I'm at the point where I can deal with most of the daily issues without getting homicidal, but it is exacerbated when I'm away for a week or (wow) a few months on a winter gig. It's really discouraging to get home from the week long trips and have to deal with a week's worth of disgust. Obviously much worse if it's a few months.
I've put a lot of time, effort, and money into fixing up my house so that I can sell it at some point in the near future. One lengthy project was redoing old pine floors in a large room. The second it was finished, housemate started wiggling cat toys on it, causing his cat to gouge it. Last winter, he moved heavy furniture around for a photo shoot and left multiple long gouges that I can't even fathom how to repair. That stuff just makes me sick. I worry about what he might do to my bathroom project. And I can't bring myself to do the desperately needed kitchen improvements because it's way too likely he'll ruin them.
P says I'm overreacting. If she's willing to do things twice, or throw money away, that's fine. But she's taken herself out of the picture. I'm not willing to do things twice and I can't afford to. There's a "same old" - me being pessimistic and P thinking everything will be fine. I supposed if I stated it differently it could be framed as me being prudent and financially responsible.
Just more thinking out loud. Welcoming feedback on what y'all are seeing.
hi there stubborn - checking in to see where you are truly at tonight - are you centered grounded, as much as you can be? or are you feeling a bit edgy?
we're here to walk you through this. and frankly about your 180 to not spend time on the computer? my thoughts are that if you are spinning or having a hard time, it is much more beneficial to you to come on here and journal and post and calm down than to try and stick to that.
don't forget - from now on out - you are only doing what is good for stubborn.
treat w as you would any house guest - and even better treat her like you would a guest who was a friend of a friend. friendly, welcoming, polite, warm, but not someone you are going to tell your life story to
i like what j3b said to busting today - NOT cool and aloof, but warm and aloof.
from where you are standing, w has lost the right to anything more than that. she only gets it if she works for it.
what was finally the turning point for me in the last few weeks was to keep telling myself that i don't have to do anymore here - it's his turn to do the work for it. he may , he may not...
Feel that you are worthy of her working for your approval and affection.
So you are going to be just great - in fact i've got a very strong feeling that you are going to pull a busting on us here, and be totally awesome - and really astonish yourself.
in fact, right before you fall asleep - IMAGINE- for a few minutes how you think you should be - and then just be it!!
hey - come have some champagne - we're celebrating ng - and you're up next fer sure - woohoo, (excitedly jumping up and down) we are going to drink champagne every night for a while
{{{sd }}} zig
ps hey btw - why stubborn? are you still stubborn??
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I'll definitely be checking in here. I just have to be careful not to stay parked too long. I suspect my substantive posting will drop because I'm actually very slow at writing.
Stubborn? Yeah. Not sure what name I might have chosen if that one wasn't already in place. I have eight planets in earth signs. Remember that our weaknesses are also our strengths. The stubbornness that gets me in trouble is also the stubbornness that feeds my persistence, my accomplishments, my choosing the DB path.
Yes, I need to remember that P doesn't get a free pass. I'm also at the point in my sitch where I need to be showing consistent changes. (My timeline is almost exactly the same as NG's.) I'm not as far along as you are just because of the time frame. I had a few weeks before she left, and another week's visit, then very little contact for three months. I see it as my job now to show consistent changes. Taking good care of myself is one of those changes and essential to the others.
If and when P gets irritable or critical at all, I'm to remember to listen, validate, say or think, "I'm sorry you feel that way", and otherwise STFU. All while warmly smiling in that irresistible confident way I have.
and you don't have just a posse - you have the whole she-bang.
if you get that pit in your stomach feeling or i'm about to spin or any of those "off the blanket" symptoms - just bring this image up in your head -
All of us, standing guard on the blanket waving our shields of courage with one arm, holding a turtle under the other arm and STANDING on the elephant that we are devouring, one bite at a time. and busting is dressed all lacy and frilly - pouring straight vodka for maximum sustenance
and if that image just doesn't get you laughing in an utterly silly manner right there on the spot - well then, you'll have to come post won't you
{{{SD }}}
go get 'em, stubborn!
love zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
- woohoo, (excitedly jumping up and down) we are going to drink champagne every night for a while 