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#2242844 - 05/04/12 01:19 PM Re: Always more to learn... [Re: StubbornDyke]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5319
Originally Posted By: StubbornDyke
Sometimes I think it means that I've evolved along the way (and sometimes I wonder if post-menopausal calming of the hormones isn't a better explanation). Whatever. I'll take it.

Hmm works that way in men too I believe.

Not sure if I can explain it for a woman, but certainly less estrogen might do that. Less emotions.

For men it is more emotions. But we are going up from zero so it has to improve.

I am giving advice to a lady on another forum(shhh don't tell) and so I was looking at Wonka, NG and you.
Yes detachment is the only way to go for all of us. Not much difference there.
Of course you already know that you see other peoples sichs so much easier because of total detachment.

Yes I have read quite a bit in the archives.
Glad you are making more progess this time. smile smile smile
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

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#2243040 - 05/05/12 03:39 AM Re: Always more to learn... [Re: StubbornDyke]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
[Pia says, "Hug your demons or they'll bite you in the ass."]

Love that quote, SD. So true. Also, love to see how you are handling your situation. Thanks for setting an example.

I had been feeling more detached, till I found out my W continues to move forward preparing the D papers.

I live in Ca. and I no longer have the right to get M here. That really bothers me and makes it more difficult for me to detach.

Thanks for inspiring me tonight to detach and GAL. ((( )))
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2243137 - 05/05/12 07:37 PM Re: Always more to learn... [Re: StubbornDyke]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6240
Loc: Denver
Hey SD,

How are you doing this weekend?

Quote:
This time, I feel like I have a loving detachment most of the time. It seems like a gift more than anything I did. Sometimes I think it means that I've evolved along the way (and sometimes I wonder if post-menopausal calming of the hormones isn't a better explanation). Whatever. I'll take it.


Maybe it's all of the above? I find this hormonal, menopausal thing just wears me out, and I just don't have the energy to fight much stuff anymore. But I would also say that with age, comes *some* wisdom. I dunno.

I think I remember all of us telling Wonka to buck up and get with the program. She was a tough nut to crack, wasn't she?

smile Betsey
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2243175 - 05/06/12 01:42 AM Re: Always more to learn... [Re: Underdog]
StubbornDyke Offline
Member

Registered: 05/06/04
Posts: 2503
Well, Bets, as promised, I'm being a cheerful, productive Amazon! I helped a friend with a paying gig this morning and got the lawn mowed this afternoon before having dinner with friends.

I'm a little behind on my goal of rearranging the living room. Just after I posted on Thursday the lights went out and stayed out until 11 PM. I was neither able to do my computer work nor employ the vacuum cleaner in my other planned projects. Tomorrow looks good, though.

NG, I clearly remember being consumed by the pain and anger and unfairness of so many things. I was very attached to the land that P is now selling. That was a very old dream of mine and it was very hard for me to let go of it. When she decided she didn't want to live there, just the thought of that change in plans had me seriously grieving.

Somewhere among the success stories on this site is a letter from a guy who describes how he decided that he would be his WAW's best friend. That stuck with me. So when P decided to sell the land, I let go and helped her get it ready to sell. When she was packing up her stuff, I tried to make sure she'd have everything she needed. Whenever I felt a little miffed about something she was taking, I just stopped and realized that I didn't want to be petty. She doesn't owe me anything. (I can see that it would be much harder to think this if she had made a vow, but she hadn't.)

When a distant opportunity came up for her, I offered to take care of the cats. She at first said that she would feel guilty about that. I told her that she had facilitated many opportunities for me and I'm happy to do the same for her.

I feel so much better when these are my thoughts rather than anger and resentments over how she's not doing what I want. The bottom line is that she's taking care of herself. I can't claim to love her and not really, truly want her to do that. It's her job to take care of herself. And it's my job to take care of me. (Did I say that, or is it the Pia tapes talking again?)

My last DB coaching session included, among other extremely worthwhile things, an impressive display of cheer-leading that caused me to see and change some discouraging thought patterns. I feel like I'm much better able to see and appreciate and utilize my strengths. That is huge. And a huge help to my attitude. (Thank you Jody!)

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#2243189 - 05/06/12 05:15 AM Re: Always more to learn... [Re: StubbornDyke]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6240
Loc: Denver
SD,

Ya know... this is working for you, no matter what happens. You seem to be way more detached this time around and a lot more sure footed. Good for you!

Quote:
Somewhere among the success stories on this site is a letter from a guy who describes how he decided that he would be his WAW's best friend. That stuck with me.


You know... as someone who took this approach with success... I completely buy into this one. No matter what the outcome is, you won't regret *being* a friend... treating P as you want to be treated and remembered. It is this that allows me to look myself in the mirror and sleep at night.

So good for you for taking the highest of roads. Sounds like Jody is a gem...

Have a great weekend, SD.

smile Betsey
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2243565 - 05/08/12 04:12 AM Re: Always more to learn... [Re: Underdog]
StubbornDyke Offline
Member

Registered: 05/06/04
Posts: 2503
Maybe a little journaling will help me sort out my clogged brain...

I had a bit of a stressful day yesterday. I was just trying to return the borrowed lawn mower on the quiet back roads with the borrowed unregistered trailer when a bored sheriff and his buddy the state trooper happened to pull up behind me. Okay, I'll get a fine. Oh, apparently the last registration sticker had been altered with a Sharpie. (In case you're wondering, these guys really get bent out of shape about that sort of thing.) Complications ensued. I started out remarkably zen about it all, but the complications took a toll.

I'd also been stressing out about trying to coordinate with P about our joint application for a winter gig. The sticking point was that I was supposed to update my resume and I only had limited time available (something that I find stressful and time consuming under the best of circumstances), while P was trying to get things turned in ASAP. I felt like I didn't have a clear enough picture of the whole application she was putting together, so I didn't have enough information to do my piece properly.

I struggled for a while and finally sent P an email saying that I was sorry that I hadn't figured it out and been clearer sooner, but I didn't have enough info to put anything together quickly and she should just do whatever was necessary to satisfy her time frame.

Then I sat back and sobbed at the release of that stress. I realized that I'd just spent a couple days back in that impossible place where I'm trying so hard to please P (and not get dumped). We're all trying so hard to be the perfect partner and even when they don't seem to be looking our every move is being judged. (I was reading Cadet's earliest thread and he ever so calmly kept mentioning the stress of the situation.) So I was sitting there, feeling my feelings, remembering the pain of all the other impossible choices between conflicting expectations, especially during the last year.

And the phone rang. P got the email and immediately called. "You sound stressed. We shouldn't stress about this. How do you want to do it?" So we strategized for a while then caught up a bit. Then she mentioned that she'd made a doctor's appointment and is planning on coming back on Thursday and staying about ten days to tie up some loose ends and maybe she can help out with some house projects. If that's okay with me.

Yeah, it's okay with me. And it just happens to mean that she'll be here for my birthday next week. So now I'm all weepy with gratitude.

I know it's important to feel our feelings, but it's also exhausting right about now. I'll be working on getting them calmed down well before Thursday.

I'm sure some sleep would help...

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#2244564 - 05/11/12 07:00 PM Re: Always more to learn... [Re: StubbornDyke]
Underdog Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/03
Posts: 6240
Loc: Denver
Hey SD,

Just want to drop by and see how you're doing. Feeling better after the cry?

Have a great weekend--

:)Betsey

p.s. I'm not ignoring your questions on my thread. Still rolling them around in my mind. I've mostly decided that I'm mad at myself...
_________________________
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein

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#2244633 - 05/12/12 02:04 AM Re: Always more to learn... [Re: Underdog]
StubbornDyke Offline
Member

Registered: 05/06/04
Posts: 2503
Hey Bets,

Yeah, that cry led to some helpful revelations. And there are plenty more stewing in my brain.

P has arrived for her visit. I'm being low key. In some ways it's a little distant and awkward, but mostly it's warm and comfortable.

I've been learning (keep learning...) things about me in this process. I'm trying to pay attention.

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#2244636 - 05/12/12 02:13 AM Re: Always more to learn... [Re: StubbornDyke]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1345
Hope all goes well, SD. ((( )))
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2245801 - 05/16/12 10:49 PM Re: Always more to learn... [Re: needgrace]
StubbornDyke Offline
Member

Registered: 05/06/04
Posts: 2503
Thanks NG. I'm here for a bit of journaling. By the time P leaves, I will have forgotten half of the details.

First, lets all have a good laugh at me thinking she purposely came back for my birthday. It was about what worked for her schedule and she completely forgot about my birthday. After lunch, between errands, she says to me, "Your birthday must be coming up pretty soon." With a most amused look, I respond, "You're right on top of things!" She gets a look of panic and grabs her phone to check the date, then gives me a very pained guilty look. After a few minutes I point out that she could wish me a happy birthday. So, she does. And then several more times throughout the day. Then she wakes up the next morning telling me what she's decided to get me.

In general, she's been more distant, less affectionate than when she left a few weeks ago. The exceptions have been notable. A tiny kiss on the arm one night. A foot on top of mine under the table while eating dinner at a friend's house.

We did have a joint phone interview for the winter gig. That was very exciting and I think loosened her up a bit.

I need to remember to remain positive and fun and not grumble about the irritating housemate...

And if there's anything else I should remember, feel free to point it out, gang.

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