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#2245640 - 05/16/12 03:48 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: AlwaysTrying]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9268
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I guess what's throwing me is the "how you feel" in the middle.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2245645 - 05/16/12 03:55 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: AlwaysTrying]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
semantics, of course...

Which is how it shows up that everything is up for interpretation.

"I understand how" : I realize that people have differing opinions so in that way, I understand that your opinion and feeling can be different than mine

"you feel about" : I honour and appreciate those are your feeling, not mine

"(insert topic)" : In order to ensure we are on the same page, the specific topic I feel we are discussing is such. In other words, I am showing you that I am listening to you about the specific topics you believe are important

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#2245646 - 05/16/12 03:57 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
oh yeah... and realizing in advance that the phrase may be misinterpreted...

which is why a response of "You DO NOT know HOW I fell" is:

+ "Yes, that is correct. I do appreciate that our opinions differ."

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#2245649 - 05/16/12 04:06 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: AlwaysTrying]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
Originally Posted By: netmaster
I know this is going to sound crazy. I'm getting stir crazy in this apartment. I want to move home badly. I miss seeing my kids everyday. I actually hate being a part time father. I just want to move my butt home


Not crazy. I very much understand that. I get so upset that my wife has no idea what it is like to spend nights away from the kids. She sees them every day no matter what. I get resentful. Once, I got fed up. I had had enough. I moved back in against her wishes. Biggest mistake. That drove her to file D because she felt that I would never give her space.

She assumed that I thought that we could go back to being a couple if I just moved home. That wasn't it at all. NM, you know how hard it is to be away from your family like that. It's a big adjustment and really very painful. If she had said to me the words, "I want to file for divorce because I think you'll never give me the space I need.", I would have found myself a lease somewhere.

Now, we have a D in the works, and I am strongly considering moving back home again. I hope it's not a giant mistake again.

Quote:
Thx B and Kd. This is one of the toughest things I've faced. She has told me she feels 80% better since I've been gone. (health wise) she was a mess. Her stress went way down and feels great. She doesn't want to go back to the toxic r we had and neither do. We have talked a bit about it. Just not much


This is what my WAS was feeling but not telling me when I was out. Well, I could see that her health was doing better. She said the smae thing about not wanting to go back to the toxic R.

Quote:
Today I am actively looking for a 9-5 job. This is for ME. I need to get back out there and be busy. I'm going to give up my business for awhile. Fortunately for me my business is online and I can do it at night too if need be. But right now it just isn't cutting it with my sitch. I also feel it has partly contributed to the demise of my M.


Man, are we on the same page. I was a freelance programmer for several years. Being inconsistent with billing clients or getting paid was one of the biggest stressors in my marriage. After I got the bomb from W, I wanted her to say, "I need you to get a 9-5", because if she didn't say it, I sure as hell wasn't going to do it on my own. Why give up being your own boss?

Totally backfired. The depression after the bomb really got in the way of my work and I completely emptied my bank account before I finally got that 9-5. Things are easier now.

Quote:
So I've learned from that. Even this weekend hanging out. I had zero expectations. I will tell you this. That night leaving BBQ was very tough on me emotionally. Usually I would load up the car and take family home. This time I had to say goodbye to everyone and leave.


Yes. I know the pain. My wife hanging out with *our* friends at the house, like we have always done, and leaving because it was my time to go. Humiliating. It really stings. I eventually got used to it, but there were nights it hurt so much to close the back door and lock it behind me as I left the house.

The only thing worse than locking the door from the outside at 9:30 at night was if my wife was there and she locked it instead. That hurts. I never let that happen if I can avoid it.

Quote:
KD. I swear to god I feel I could only detach by using some OW. Am I crazy for thinking that???? I feel like that would be the only way for me to ever fully detach. It almost makes me sick thinking about it. The scary part is that my W is so detached nothing I do even bothers her. I swear I could show up to the house with 2 women 1 in each arm and she wouldn't even notice lol


Whoa! Slow down!

Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Most people, while they may enjoy sleeping alone, either by habit or by preference... like a warm body to be with, now and then... sometimes more now than then...

Nothing good comes out of an OP... Unless you are appropriately detached, have done a good portion of the work to help yourself, and you are truly done and ready to move on with someone new.

Because you cannot undo something like that. Even if your W never knew, YOU would... and you would probably feel extremely guilty if you and your W reconciled.


I completely agree with KD here. Don't do an OW to hurt your W. You'll hurt yourself and you will not be able to take it back. I've done 11 months of celibacy at this point, and I'm ready to sign up for another 6. You can do it.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2245652 - 05/16/12 04:09 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ~ kd ~]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
oh darn, no edit:

"you feel that way about" : I honour and appreciate those are your feelings, not mine.

I specifically put inflection on "that way" because it keeps the feelings on the sender, not the receiver. In other words, it is an offer to indicate that the receiver is not attempting to own or understand the feelings of the sender, but rather validating that the sender has "those" feelings... what ever they might be...

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#2245668 - 05/16/12 04:33 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ~ kd ~]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9268
Loc: Sonoran Desert
It is semantics but that's language, it's how we communicate. Without semantics, language has no meaning.

I think your last iteration is the best, KD.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

Top
#2245804 - 05/16/12 11:10 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: labug]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Wow thanks for all the advice. I think I need to digest all the various forms. Not sure I know what the best answer is. I'm hoping she doesn't even say that again.

AlwaysTrying. I wouldn't never force myself home. I would ask to move back home and do spare room etc. But if she said no I would get a long term lease.

I had my first interview today for a 9-5 job. I think landing a day job right now is my best interest married, separated, and/or divorced.

My W is still all over the place. She tells neighbors she wants L. Has me over etc. 2 days later tells grammy that she wants to work things out etc..

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#2245813 - 05/16/12 11:57 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I own an internet marketing company which can be very lucrative but requires focus and time. 2 things I'm not able to do very effectively right now. 9/5 which is going to be painful reporting to someone but I feel my best option

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#2245829 - 05/17/12 12:37 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ThisDayForward]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
Originally Posted By: netmaster
I own an internet marketing company which can be very lucrative but requires focus and time. 2 things I'm not able to do very effectively right now. 9/5 which is going to be painful reporting to someone but I feel my best option


Yep. Same with freelance web app development. I found I couldn't do it well at all in the midst of all the turmoil. The 9-5 kills a little bit of my pride, but it's for the best.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
#2245838 - 05/17/12 01:19 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I think your last iteration is the best, KD.

What was the final interation ?

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