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Does anyone have an opinion on my W throwing the brakes on the L stuff. I mean if you could have heard the conversations with the mediator. Read the emails and heard the conversations with me. I truly was expecting papers this week. I know the old rule believe 1/2 etc.. But man to me this was it.
Also. I think I'm just going to renew my lease somewhere else for 1 year with no discussions with a W. The new place is much better for me and the kids to start living well say a normal life. Not so tiny and make shift etc. I can assume that R with W is not in the picture. Continue to work on myself and the new place will give me some security and believe it or not some happiness.
Loc: West Coast Canada
Sorry, Net, I posted in your old thread. I'm just reposting it here.
Originally Posted By: netmaster
No actually 90% of the time I get anxious and think my W is doing this and/or that and I come to discover it ends up being the exact opposite.
For example. She had penciled a name on the calendar and I thought it was appt for L. It ended up being a meet up with a friend.
I need to address this stuff.
I'm also trying to not be so hard on myself on some of this stuff. I've come to realize that my sitch in itself is extremely stressful. I miss my kids extremely. I miss family life etc.
Net, I believe you. I can only imagine the stress you're under. I was fortunate enough to do CBT a long time ago so lucky for me, I'm not nearly as wound up like I could be.
Practicing self compassion can go a long way. When you know better, you do better, right? It's our mistakes that make us human. I struggle with it myself quite a bit. I can't count the number of times I've said something in therapy & my T has said, "And what would you say to a friend who just said that?" It's a good question to ask yourself when falling into the trap of beating yourself up over something.
Anxiety is a good indicator of when's a good time to challenge your thinking. When it happens, slow down and ask yourself if there are any other possible explainations.
Such as seeing your wife's calendar. I'll use this as an example since you brought it up. You assumed and jumped to the conclusion that it was a L's appt, which fueled your anxiety. And you held on to that anxiety for quite a while, I remember it . And you felt unnecessarily terrible as a result.
It's much simpler and easier on your emotional state of wellbeing to have recognized the anxiety you were feeling and questioned where it was coming from: "What do I know about this appointment on her calendar?" And the reality being, you knew nothing about it or who this person is. So, it's reasonable to to tell yourself, "I don't have enough information to draw any conclusions."
Telling yourself that you don't have enough information to go on leaves you in a far better state of mind than jumping to conclusions/making assumptions and perpetuating anxiety.
It's perfectly ok to say I don't know. It's a lot better on the psyche to remain in blissful ignorance than to draw your own conclusions on incomplete information.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
Dory everything you say makes perfect sense. I'm aware of my problem and anxiety. Honestly don't ever remember having this much anxiety until my W dropped the D bomb on me. I never paid attention to my surroundings as much until this happened. Then she dropped D on me and I started going into fix it mode (which we all know translates to push off cliff mode) I started become so aware of her and everything and my anxiety spiraled out of control.
Now being separated in LIMBO mode is the most stressful thing I've experienced. It fuels my stupid anxiety.
I understand why I do the things I do. Its to solve my temporary anxiety. For example when i was snooping in her email way back in the day it was to answer my own fears good or bad. Now I get it.
Or when I call her MIL its to answer my own fears good or bad. Its a temp fix for my anxiety which the long run makes it worst.
When I lived at home and my W was level and fun I have no anxiety. My trigger that I notice is when she becomes miserable and withdrawn my anxiety spikes.