A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.

DIVORCE BUSTING COACHING SPECIAL TODAY ONLY!
PURCHASE 3 OR MORE COACHING SESSIONS AND SAVE $30.
CALL Cristy at 303-444-7004 to take advantage of this special discount.



Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 ... 12 13 >
Topic Options
#2244513 - 05/11/12 03:57 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124

Top
#2244515 - 05/11/12 04:00 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Does anyone have an opinion on my W throwing the brakes on the L stuff. I mean if you could have heard the conversations with the mediator. Read the emails and heard the conversations with me.
I truly was expecting papers this week. I know the old rule believe 1/2 etc.. But man to me this was it.

Also. I think I'm just going to renew my lease somewhere else for 1 year with no discussions with a W. The new place is much better for me and the kids to start living well say a normal life. Not so tiny and make shift etc. I can assume that R with W is not in the picture. Continue to work on myself and the new place will give me some security and believe it or not some happiness.

Top
#2244517 - 05/11/12 04:06 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Sorry, Net, I posted in your old thread. I'm just reposting it here.



Quote:
Originally Posted By: netmaster

No actually 90% of the time I get anxious and think my W is doing this and/or that and I come to discover it ends up being the exact opposite.

For example. She had penciled a name on the calendar and I thought it was appt for L. It ended up being a meet up with a friend.

I need to address this stuff.

I'm also trying to not be so hard on myself on some of this stuff. I've come to realize that my sitch in itself is extremely stressful. I miss my kids extremely. I miss family life etc.

Thx Dory


Net, I believe you. I can only imagine the stress you're under. I was fortunate enough to do CBT a long time ago so lucky for me, I'm not nearly as wound up like I could be.

Practicing self compassion can go a long way. When you know better, you do better, right? It's our mistakes that make us human. I struggle with it myself quite a bit. I can't count the number of times I've said something in therapy & my T has said, "And what would you say to a friend who just said that?" It's a good question to ask yourself when falling into the trap of beating yourself up over something.

Anxiety is a good indicator of when's a good time to challenge your thinking. When it happens, slow down and ask yourself if there are any other possible explainations.

Such as seeing your wife's calendar. I'll use this as an example since you brought it up. You assumed and jumped to the conclusion that it was a L's appt, which fueled your anxiety. And you held on to that anxiety for quite a while, I remember it . And you felt unnecessarily terrible as a result.

It's much simpler and easier on your emotional state of wellbeing to have recognized the anxiety you were feeling and questioned where it was coming from: "What do I know about this appointment on her calendar?" And the reality being, you knew nothing about it or who this person is. So, it's reasonable to to tell yourself, "I don't have enough information to draw any conclusions."

Telling yourself that you don't have enough information to go on leaves you in a far better state of mind than jumping to conclusions/making assumptions and perpetuating anxiety.

It's perfectly ok to say I don't know. It's a lot better on the psyche to remain in blissful ignorance than to draw your own conclusions on incomplete information.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

Top
#2244518 - 05/11/12 04:11 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: Dory]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Dory everything you say makes perfect sense. I'm aware of my problem and anxiety. Honestly don't ever remember having this much anxiety until my W dropped the D bomb on me. I never paid attention to my surroundings as much until this happened. Then she dropped D on me and I started going into fix it mode (which we all know translates to push off cliff mode) I started become so aware of her and everything and my anxiety spiraled out of control.

Now being separated in LIMBO mode is the most stressful thing I've experienced. It fuels my stupid anxiety.

I understand why I do the things I do. Its to solve my temporary anxiety. For example when i was snooping in her email way back in the day it was to answer my own fears good or bad. Now I get it.

Or when I call her MIL its to answer my own fears good or bad. Its a temp fix for my anxiety which the long run makes it worst.

When I lived at home and my W was level and fun I have no anxiety. My trigger that I notice is when she becomes miserable and withdrawn my anxiety spikes.

Top
#2244521 - 05/11/12 04:20 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ThisDayForward]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
so, what are you going to do about the "triggers"?
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


Top
#2244529 - 05/11/12 04:35 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: scaredsilly]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Scared I emailed my counselor and asked to work specifically on my triggers. mantras. thought patterns, not reacting etc

Top
#2244533 - 05/11/12 04:54 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ThisDayForward]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Originally Posted By: netmaster
My trigger that I notice is when she becomes miserable and withdrawn my anxiety spikes.


Because you're reacting rather than responding.

When we're in reactive mode, we're usually allowing our unconscious to drive our behaviour/thoughts/actions. Which can lead to a lot of trouble because it's not deliberate.

When we choose to respond rather than react, we take time to make a deliberate effort to slow down and think through how to proceed.

There's a quote by Wayne Dyer you might find helpful,

"How others treat you is their karma. How you react is yours."

Another thing to consider are boundaries. Just because another person is miserable does not have to have any effect on you or how you feel unless you allow it.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

Top
#2244534 - 05/11/12 04:54 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ThisDayForward]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
good for you! it's not easy but we can control ourselves. in fact, we are the only ones we can control so at least it's just ONE person we have to work on!
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


Top
#2244539 - 05/11/12 05:01 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: scaredsilly]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
My counselor loves Wayne D. All he watches

Top
#2244544 - 05/11/12 05:23 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 11 [Re: ThisDayForward]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Great couple of posts Dory!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

Top
Page 1 of 13 1 2 3 ... 12 13 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004