lol, no NM... no 2x4s for you from me this time...
and yay for you! A breakthrough! And I mean that sincerely, you are letting as opposed to your W making you...
love it...!
Now, your questions are very valid.
Take a look at how MWD describes a WAW. Basically, the WAS hits some point where they choose to exit the M and move on. Reasons are irrelevant for this discussion.
IF left to their own designs, the WAS will continue and do their best to not rock the boat and to get all their ducks in a row. They are waiting... making sure that EVERYTHING is PERFECT before they drop the bomb and exit.
They expect fallout, but they have set things up so that while they understand and empathize (take note on that, it is VERY important) with the LBS... their mind is made up and they will do their best to keep things civil...
So in the WAS' perfect world, the ducks are in a row, the stage is set, the deed is done... and away they go...
Yes, they may have second thoughts in the future, but they've spent possibly YEARS setting all this up...
Now, the second possibility is that something happens mid way through the plan... and the WAS gets busted...
You can imagine how that might feel... let's say you were setting up a surprise party for someone. And they found out... it wouldn't feel so good having gone through all that covert effort and not having the benefit of the "joyous" surprise at the end. Consider... the WAS may actually be setting things up in the hope that the LBS will actually agree and be happy and amicable about the whole thing...
Now depending on where they are when they get "caught", they may go into a panic and hit the "fight" button... all hell breaks loose and they are going to fight tooth and nail because their wounds are still fresh or raw...
During this time, though... the "rational" mind (which we presume that while their reasons may not make sense to us, those reasons are probably logical and we could understand them) would say that they will be in pain and will flip flop, but they will convey their reasons and will continue to move forward with what they planned... and maybe... just maybe... the LBS can make changes in themselves so that the WAS has a change of heart and believes that things could actually work out...
The MLCer... not so much...
MLCers are in flight mode... they have no real plan... they just want out... something hurts inside them and the only thing they can think of is to escape, because they think that WE are the cause of their pain, or their job is, or the colour of their car or perhaps it's because it's the year of the water dragon so change is important and that means getting out of the M...
But...
They have no plans... So for them, it might just be getting away... pretend like none of it happened... maybe they got the seed planted that D is the right thing, so they rush to D... or maybe they think that an OP is something they need, so they get one... but hide it, because somehow, deep down, the realize that might be wrong or might cause some sort of problem legally, even though most of north america is no fault... or they actually get an OP and put it out in the open because somehow they "don't feel M" and it's OK for a M person to get a new lay and carry on with them in all the same social circles that only months before, they were with you at...
And the kicker... the MLCer has not just detached from the LBS... they have detached from themselves to a large degree... their "empathy chip" breaks and while they appear to empathize with others, that may show up more as sympathy (the idea that if your friend is hurt, you grab the biggest stick and go beat on the perp... even if your friend did not ask you to and perhaps your friend is the one who should not have called that big biker dude a pr1ck)... any empathy/sympathy the MLCer might appear to have for the LBS will actually be in the form of manipulation in order to get something that they want... without at all considering the effects that might have on the kids... or the financial well being of anyone involved... etc, etc... oh... and then there's the blame and projection... everything bad or remotely uncomfortable in their lives is the result of and caused by some external source... and everything good in their lives is the result of them being so darned AWESOME...!
So here you go, NM...
Look, you may come to the conclusion that your W is MLC... but you could very well be right that there is some sort of hormonal thing happening with your W and she is not at all "confused" but rather she just doesn't connect her issues with some cycle or pattern...
The really, really important thing to understand is...
the work is the same... regardless...
and there is no way to know that your W is MLC until she goes THROUGH it... otherwise, she could just be a WAS in panic mode...
No matter what, unless you do the work to become a man that only a fool would leave... the end result will be the same...
Damn KD. Thx for that post. It is quite scary actually. I do feel my wife is in MLC mode and definitely a "hormone" piece which I truly believe is triggered from stress and her inability to handle stress that well.
Mr. B. I understand what you're saying but I'm sorting out a lot of anger, anxiety, insecurity issues stemming from 10 years of childhood abuse ages 2-12. I'm slowly getting there but mix this toxic situation in and lack of work (I own my own company and it's slow....) makes a hamster go crazy. In the meantime I have my resume back out there and hope to land a day job to keep me busy and structured.
I also have a big decision coming up on the 24th. I have a much nice place available to me and it would be a year lease. I don't see me moving home at all and after reading KD's post I have a better understanding why my W is acting nice and civil.
Certainly not encouraging and my reactions to her hormonal outburst make her say things like "you'll never change" etc.. Even though she slamming me with electric caddle prod.
Anyways thx Kd and Mr. B. I'm going to get in a position where I don't react to her nonsense. The next 10 days will unfold a new chapter in my life I believe.
NM, the only difference if it's MLC is that it takes longer for them to POSSIBLY change their mind...
Again, if you continue to think about her... then you are doomed to D, either way...
What you CAN do is work on not reacting in what you THINK is her cycle and pattern... to see that it is NOT YOU that is causing that cycle and pattern...
remove yourself from the equation and the stones will fall where they will... interfere with the thrown stones and the reading will be off...
Thx B and Kd. This is one of the toughest things I've faced. She has told me she feels 80% better since I've been gone. (health wise) she was a mess. Her stress went way down and feels great. She doesn't want to go back to the toxic r we had and neither do. We have talked a bit about it. Just not much
I know this is going to sound crazy. I'm getting stir crazy in this apartment. I want to move home badly. I miss seeing my kids everyday. I actually hate being a part time father. I just want to move my butt home
KD-Wow this is an awesome explanation of MLC and the pattern it seems like the exact behaviors she has followed. Still here to save myself
NM-I know the feeling your having about being stir crazy in your place and missing your family/part time dad. Be strong NM, I have experience all those same thoughts and feelings. I have become the best father I have ever been going it alone. I would obviously rather kept my marriage but I must save myself and if the marriage is salvageable according to the my spouse then so be it. It is tough but you need to make peace with it. I know its not easy I'm working on it myself day by day getting better and better. Keep busy and keep in contact with people to fill your time.
Listen to KD, Bond, and others here. They will steer you straight. I can't get anyone to respond on my stitch anymore ?
Me:29 W:28 S:2 M: 5 years Bomb: 7-26-11 Separated: 8-20-11 EA w/ multiple OMs W filed 1/2012
Today I am actively looking for a 9-5 job. This is for ME. I need to get back out there and be busy. I'm going to give up my business for awhile. Fortunately for me my business is online and I can do it at night too if need be. But right now it just isn't cutting it with my sitch. I also feel it has partly contributed to the demise of my M.
"You can imagine how that might feel... let's say you were setting up a surprise party for someone. And they found out... it wouldn't feel so good having gone through all that covert effort and not having the benefit of the "joyous" surprise at the end. Consider... the WAS may actually be setting things up in the hope that the LBS will actually agree and be happy and amicable about the whole thing..."
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