I haven't got time for the pain

[job]

You've put some serious thought into your list. I think it's a good one.

[tested metal]

Update about last night's visit. I will preface this story right away by saying that I am not getting my hopes up as I foresee her not being fully cooked yet, but possibly some improvement.

STBXW texted me after her work asking if I wanted her to bring anything over. I replied that I don't really have anything for entertaining, so if she wanted something to drink basically I have whole milk or water.

She offered to bring supper over. I replied that I was full from eating with D1 already.

STBXW comes over with a 12 pk. of Coors Light (my favorite beer) and a case of Dt. Coke (again favorite). After a couple minutes of uncomfortableness, and her checking out the pad, we crack beers and she asks me how my new job is going. I reply and inquire about hers.

She then informs me that she has noticed that I have lost weight (50 pounds in 7 months, and now she notices!)

After smoking a cigarette, which she provided, she shows me the apartments she is looking at tomorrow, but won't be ready until next month. One of them is in the next state. (We live on a bordertown so it is right next door).

I explained to her about how that may affect custody issues as well as her assistance, as she is not supposed to take D1 out of state. I made to make sure that I was not threatening her, just informing her of the law and that I had know clue how that would play out in court or how it may affect may legal rights.

She claimed she had no clue about knowing about the law, which I could see as true (She usually is uninformed about a lot of the things she gets herself into).

She then tells me that she finally broke down to MIL and told her EVERYTHING, about the cheating, getting beat up, losing apartment, etc. She said that she had a good talk with her and decided that she needs to make an appointment to see her doctor to up her antidepressants and she plans to see a counselor. This all came from her and not from me talking to her. I just listened.

I did not tell her either way what to do, which is a first. (YAY!)

We cracked a couple of more beers had a couple of more cigarettes on the balcony and talked about how much D1 has grown and shared parenting secrets.

It was a lot like having old W back, but she appeared a little more responsible.

When we decided to call it a night, she again asked if I would call her tomorrow with my decision. I told her I would, but need some time to think about it, so it won't be 1st thing in the morning.

She left the beer and pop for me and said happy belated birthday. At the door, she hugged me. A big bear hug (by her)that lasted at least a minute. She actually was sniffing my hair too. Then she looked into my eyes and kissed me. Not a peck mind you, more like a thanks for the 2nd date type of kiss.
She then asked me again to call her tomorrow regarding the decision.


Minutes later she texted "Thanks for a wonderful evening." "I forgot about your type of sense of humor ." "Have a wonderful night and a good sleep!"

When I wished her the same, she replied "I can't sleep, staring at the four walls." "It's not bad, mind is just racing."

So, I am hope that what she is saying is true, but not really believing it. I beleive that she is seriously thinking things over if her mind is racing... and I believe that it is as she had problems with this the last year we were living together.

Any thoughts? I am not reading into this at all. She is probably just trying to manipulate. I am going to start paying attention to her actions more closely though.

[tested metal]

Snod. Thanks!

I actually saw this coming (her needing to come back) a long time ago and kinda planned for it. The way she was going, it was just a matter of time before she strug herself up good. I am a negotiator at heart and have been known to be a "visionary." I usually see the big picture and try to plan for the different senarios, just to be safe. But like everyone else, I get caught up in the small things at times and my vision gets clouded, so I come to consult with others.

That is part of the reason that she left me. We were going through a rough time with job schedules, having D1, and having date time limited (the classic 1st year child struggle). The thing was that I saw that the problem was temporary, but she didn't and she thought I was not validating her point of view because at the time I could not change my job schedule, nor could we get babysitting help to have date nights. The date nights we did included baby and were not romantic enough for W at the time.

Any way got to go to a meeting.

[job]

TM,
I would take what she has shared w/you w/a grain of salt. Talk is cheap and actions do speak louder than words. Let's see if she makes the medical appointment. Mlcers tend to think out loud so, sit back, watch the show and take it one step at a time.

I am glad that you pointed out about the "out of state" custody issue. She needs to be aware of it when looking for a new apt.

I am going to caution you about one thing...if she thinks that she can manipulate you w/kisses and flirting, etc., she will do it. You'll need to toughen your skin a bit, because she will try it to get what she wants...attention and whatever else along the way.

Good luck!

[tested metal]

Thanks for the advice Snod. I am trying to take everything with a grain of salt.

She did mention when she was begging to stay with me that she would do anything...

I am very aware about the manipulation, but you are right, I am going to have to nip that in the butt.

It's hard to tell whether what I am doing is right and I am getting positive change, or if it just another way to manipulate.

I guess her staying may be a test of some sort to see where she is at in this stage. I do not expect anything, save the boundaries that I set be followed, or out the door she goes.

[BeingMe]

I agree with Snodderly. Another thought occurred to me ... if she comes to stay with you, what would the legalities of that be? Would the law see that as R? You might not be able to get her out again. Just wondering.

Again, talk is cheap. Think long and hard about allowing her back in, unless you are willing to have her refuse to leave. If that makes sense.

I like the boundaries you came up with.

[BeingMe]

BTW, do you think she is truly in MLC? Or, just a WAW with depression and unable to handle a baby and M, and just thought running away was a good idea at the time. She seems young for MLC, but of course, it does happen. What was she like before the baby came? Or, is that too much rehash?

Just wondering.

[tested metal]

Being,

I have wondered that from day one too. I do definately beleive she has some sort of identity crisis as she seems very lost. She did this same type of thing in college, when her depression was bad, according to her mother.

It seems to be a recurring theme in her life that she messes up and someone comes to clean up after her mess. Her parents have done it and I have done it.

I am hoping that this time I will still be able to hold her accountable, show compassion, use the opportunity to listen and enforce boundaries, and be the person that anyone would be a fool to leave.

[tested metal]

Just got back from L. She thinks it's a little nuts to have STBXW stay, but said it was up to me. As for the legalities, she told me to put the rules in writing and have her sign it, then make multiple copies and send her one.

L thinks that I am probably "too nice of a guy." She asked why I settled for 50/50 custody. I responded that I didn't know if I had enough to get primary and didn't want to get into a length battle. L said that now with STBXW needing to stay on my couch, she basically screwed herself because her poor judgement has virtually made her homeless. If I let go of the chain, she basically would be dog food.

I did get L to request STBXW's tax return as her claim of income seems quite low and I think I am getting soaked for child support. Also the out of state thing is gonna get hairy so L is going to stipulate that my residence be the primary for educational purposes.

I sure hope I am doing teh right thing by showing compassion for STBXW. I guess if it bites me in the butt, I will definately learn from it and will know once and for all where she stands.

[job]

TM,
You've done everything that you can to ensure that what you are doing will not create additional issues w/the divorce. Your wife is homeless as of Friday and needs a place to stay. I agree w/your lawyer, type up the boundaries, both of you sign and date them and then provide copies to your lawyer. Your wife will then understand that this is the way it is going to be.

I hope that you have a strong constitution, because I do think that at some point, she may try to get in bed w/you...I hope that I am wrong on that, but there's something about the way she has gone about this whole situation in the last few days that raises red flags for me.

Good luck!