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It is a good question.

I spent my IC appt yesterday discussing expectations, resentment, acceptance. The UNholy Trinity maybe.

Are you punishing H for what he did?

How did that make you feel when it was done to you? Did it make you a better person?

Can you accept him as he is and move on from today, letting that stuff go so you might both have a chance at happiness? Resentment will kill a marriage so if you can't you should get out, for the sake of both of you.

Can you have some clear, loving boundaries with him? Protect your heart that way.

Boundaries are going to make it possible for you to have a healthy R either with H or with someone else.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
If I were really honest and really looking at things, I'd say it's my anger coming out, which stems from feeling inadequate as a wife. Why else would my H look outside of our M if I was good enough?


Hey Ro, completely understand the feelings, just need to say that your H's decisison are his and who you are does not force anyone to make bad choices. There's not a single one of us who is perfect. Your H looked outside of the M because he was stupid and insecure with himself. He may try and blame you but that's just the insecurity and guilt of not wanting to look inside.

Let go of those feelings of inadequacy & fault. It takes time but they are lies that keep you down. You are "beautifully & wonderously made"! Take care.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
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your hsband did not look outside the marriage because of things you lacked but because of things he lacked...

he lacked the ability to tell you what he wanted
he lacked the ability to communicate with you fully

you are NOT a mind reader

you may not have been fully tuned in...
you maybe did not do things in ways that you were always proud of

you can own those things but not your husband's choices

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Originally Posted By: labug

Bugsy, you always ask the hard questions...basically, the ones I'm avoiding. LOL

Are you punishing H for what he did? Probably

How did that make you feel when it was done to you? Did it make you a better person? It [censored], and I know it doesn't make me a better person. It's the easy out for me. I need to work on this

Can you accept him as he is and move on from today, letting that stuff go so you might both have a chance at happiness? Resentment will kill a marriage so if you can't you should get out, for the sake of both of you.
I honestly don't know because I haven't tried it yet.

Can you have some clear, loving boundaries with him?
Maybe if I could get in my head what clear, loving boundaries are. I feel like I had some many invisible boundaries already in my marriage, I don't want to make a mistake by not thinking through new ones. Hope that makes sense!
Protect your heart that way.

Boundaries are going to make it possible for you to have a healthy R either with H or with someone else.



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Originally Posted By: ces67
Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
If I were really honest and really looking at things, I'd say it's my anger coming out, which stems from feeling inadequate as a wife. Why else would my H look outside of our M if I was good enough?


Hey Ro, completely understand the feelings, just need to say that your H's decisison are his and who you are does not force anyone to make bad choices. There's not a single one of us who is perfect. Your H looked outside of the M because he was stupid and insecure with himself. He may try and blame you but that's just the insecurity and guilt of not wanting to look inside.

Let go of those feelings of inadequacy & fault. It takes time but they are lies that keep you down. You are "beautifully & wonderously made"! Take care.


I had been doing pretty good. Some days I start second guessing whether this really all my fault.

Ces, thank you for your continued words of encouragement! You have no idea how they help me!


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Originally Posted By: figgeroni
your hsband did not look outside the marriage because of things you lacked but because of things he lacked...

he lacked the ability to tell you what he wanted
he lacked the ability to communicate with you fully

you are NOT a mind reader

you may not have been fully tuned in...
you maybe did not do things in ways that you were always proud of

you can own those things but not your husband's choices


Fig, thank you too for bringing the hard questions that make me think about things in a different way.

I do tend to mind read ALOT. I need to work on stopping that, and owning only my stuff. Looking at myself is hard and not always fun! But I'm learning so much!


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Originally Posted By: figgeroni
your hsband did not look outside the marriage because of things you lacked but because of things he lacked...

he lacked the ability to tell you what he wanted
he lacked the ability to communicate with you fully

you are NOT a mind reader

you may not have been fully tuned in...
you maybe did not do things in ways that you were always proud of

you can own those things but not your husband's choices


Thanks for the reminder, Fig! The first thing we do is to blame ourselves. Then, we blame the WAS. But really, the truth lies somewhere in between.

The "shoving it in his face" thing...I'm guilty of that, too.


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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NH - I don't even know why I do the "shoving it in his face" thing. The words just seem to pop out of my mouth before I can stop them. I REALLY need to work on thinking before speaking (something I don't do well, as this is another thing on my H's list of my faults).

Journaling & ramblings...

Most of the time, I feel like I'm in between DBing my M and ending my M. The DBing is definitely making me work more on myself. Which I REALLY needed to do.

But I really don't see it "working" on my M. Not so far anyway. And yes, I know it's not about it "working". And I'm only 5 months or so in, and it may take longer than that. But I'd sure like to see some progress. My H always says my expectations of other people are always right up there with the expectations I have for myself; often too high of an expectation. I know I need to work on not having any expectations. (How does one DO that?) Especially when you're getting hugs and kisses, and "I love yous" out of the blue? Now, don't get me wrong, I like it (love it really...LOL) but in the back of my mind I'm thinking is he doing this to butter me up so he can stay until he's healed from knee surgery? I probably need to work on stopping those thoughts, because those are the ones that have me opening my mouth and saying things I shouldn't say.

Update on surgery: It was postponed yesterday due to them thinking he has folliculitis (inflamed hair bump), and not wanting to risk infection to his knee. So off we went to Urget Care. He got antibiotics, and is on his way to see the dermatologist now. Hopefully we'll have a new date for the surgery by the end of the week.


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Really wondering how some of the veterans dealt with your spouse having an "active" A for months while you were DBing. Some of you must have nerves of steel. I realized last night that I do not.

This is HARD. Not that I didn't think it would be, but good Lord...I don't think The Avengers could help me right now. Not even with The Hulk. LOL


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LMAO Ro Ro--The Hulk??? Too funny. Maybe if we had Hulk, Thor--my fave with that hammer and long flowy hair, and Captain America we might have a chance.

Or we could just get Hawkeye to take them out with his power bow???? Just a thought:)

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