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#2246908 - 05/20/12 08:54 PM Re: The land of confusion [Re: RoRoinMD]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I'm just as confused as you are by your H's actions. There really is no way for him to know how its going to feel being separated until you actually do it. Seems like there might be some other force pulling him to do this. But who knows what that is...???

In the mean time, it's like you just have to be ok with it. And that is the hardest part in all this confusion. The biggest thing that brings me comfort is knowing that I'm trying to continue to do things that I know are right. And I always believe good will prevail. Whether it be now or later, it will prevail.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2246952 - 05/21/12 12:48 AM Re: The land of confusion [Re: jks]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Originally Posted By: jks
The biggest thing that brings me comfort is knowing that I'm trying to continue to do things that I know are right. And I always believe good will prevail. Whether it be now or later, it will prevail.


Thanks. I needed to hear this.

This evening I have been very irritated, angry, and resentful. We had a great dinner. And now I feel like the time to transition is upon us.

H sent me about 10 emails while I was out for 3 hours this afternoon (Before dinner). Most of them were responding to things I had sent to him about a month ago.

One of them was about upgrading the security system in the house. One of the options in that email was to do something that would not be feasible with the cat in the house, as he mentioned it. (Why bother mentioning it if you've already made arrangements for your friends to take the cat permanently?). When I asked him to clarify two of the other options, he explained it and then indicated that we would need to consider whether it would be worth the cost if we're going to sell the house anyway. I pointed out that until the house is sold, people who could benefit from the upgrades would still be living in the house. He wants to get it on the market very, very soon so that we can hit the "peak" of the market. I told him I hadn't had time to consider my options. He seemed to be confused by this. He plans to fix all of the cosmetic issues in the house two weeks from now when he has a week off from work. I still feel incredibly rushed. My L consultation isn't for another week and a half. I might see if I can move it up to this week.

I think I'm going to lose my mind. I'm cooling off starting right now for me.

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#2246988 - 05/21/12 02:36 AM Re: The land of confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Any thoughts on when it would be appropriate to reach out to H's family to say "goodbye"? Not with that word, but just a note thanking various people for their kindness and love over the years and wishing them well in the future.

I'm reaching out to a few more friends to let them know what is going on. Not details, just generally. It's time for me to move into fuller acceptance and admit

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#2246989 - 05/21/12 02:37 AM Re: The land of confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
oops, hit post too soon ...

^^...and admit to what is going on. I told H when I'd be around to receive the papers. Apparently the 90 days started running from the date he filed. The countdown is on.

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#2247029 - 05/21/12 09:25 AM Re: The land of confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
I think that people do all the logical things not to have to deal with the emotional things. When all the house repairs, the filing, everything is done he will be left with a lot of time on his hands and be forced to think.

This doesn't help you. Perhaps you need to detach sooner. For me there is nothing worse than doing something: cooking dinner, running errands, etc for someone and getting a constant reminder that they don't want to be with me. You don't have to say I'm not cooking or eating dinner with you anymore, but maybe you're out with friends for dinner or at someone else's house. maybe you have a quick dinner and then go to an exercise class. Just do something to where you're not living as a unit anymore.
(sheesh I'm giving you guys tips on what H did to me before he moved out...but hey it worked I'm here)

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#2247042 - 05/21/12 11:11 AM Re: The land of confusion [Re: Brit45]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Thanks Brit. I am planning on increasing my unpredictability. I'm kind of glad that H leaves for a work trip mid-week. It'll make it easier to not interact as we had been.

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#2247053 - 05/21/12 01:09 PM Re: The land of confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Reached out to a friend last night. Turns out he's going through the same thing. Must be the eclipse. sick

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#2247072 - 05/21/12 02:28 PM Re: The land of confusion [Re: Brit45]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8918
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: Brit45
I think that people do all the logical things not to have to deal with the emotional things. When all the house repairs, the filing, everything is done he will be left with a lot of time on his hands and be forced to think.

This doesn't help you. Perhaps you need to detach sooner. For me there is nothing worse than doing something: cooking dinner, running errands, etc for someone and getting a constant reminder that they don't want to be with me. You don't have to say I'm not cooking or eating dinner with you anymore, but maybe you're out with friends for dinner or at someone else's house. maybe you have a quick dinner and then go to an exercise class. Just do something to where you're not living as a unit anymore.
(sheesh I'm giving you guys tips on what H did to me before he moved out...but hey it worked I'm here)


This is good!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2247135 - 05/21/12 05:10 PM Re: The land of confusion [Re: labug]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
Yeah, I know. Cheryl recommended I stay on the other track until now, so that's what I was doing because it made sense. Now, it doesn't make sense anymore for me so it's time to adjust.

And go figure, H called my work phone 3 times today, and I did not answer (he did not leave a message). He then sent me a long email about cooking dinner tonight with 6 variations on a dish (we'd discussed this weekend making it this week) for me to choose from. Then he texted me to tell me to respond to the email. mad mad mad

I didn't respond to the calls or text but eventually emailed back a simple reply.
mad <-- i need one of these icons to have smoke coming out of its ears.

I know, I know: detach, detach, detach.

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#2247137 - 05/21/12 05:27 PM Re: The land of confusion [Re: vera be fierce]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
I think that he wants to convince himself that you guys are friends and this is a friendly thing going on so he can not have guilt. I know this...and that's why he calls/texts/emails and wants to spend time. (this is all mind reading and maybe's of course)

the Detach is for you. so if you're feeling stressed and a bit crazy now, then detach NOW it's for your sanity after all not to make him see a change pre and post filing.

take care of yourself!

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