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I finally finished the Passion Trap so I can stop feeling irritated about not being able to use it. Started Codependent No More last night. I don't know what I'm going to read when I finish all of these self-help books smile

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H continues to text me occasionally throughout the weekend. I've been responding much later than I normally would (hours). He generally responds immediately.

Per zig's advice I am still trying to milk the "whole me" feeling whenever I can. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's hard.

Today I did a little specialty food shopping with my mom and went to look for a dresser. I found a local supplier so I can get some matching furniture ~when~ I have to move after we sell the house.

I am trying to deal with my fear that D will somehow prevent me from being able to have a family. I was always kind of reticent about having kids but even recently told H I am for it but would like to do a little more traveling first and start in 3-ish years. I don't know if I was really clear about my wishes, though. That's something I'll be working on in any future R.

I have noticed on this family trip that some of my new communication skills have altered my normal conversation patterns with my parents for the better. That's a nice point in the column of changes I'm making for myself, not just for my M.

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Some really great things in "Codependent No More." This should really be required reading on detaching.

-"Worrying about people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, and it doesn't help us. It is wasted energy. 'If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a fact, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system.'"

-"Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help. . . . If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. We allow people to be who they are. We give them freedom to be responsible and grow. And we give ourselves that same freedom. We live our own lives to the best of our ability. . . . If we cannot solve a problem and we have done what we could, we learn to live with, or in spite of, that problem."

-"Detaching doesn't mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. . . . We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves."

-"Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves."

Wishing everyone good progress in their detaching today.

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I know, right?!?!?!? I felt like everything was an instant quote!

I really liked the part of feeling bad about yourself for a period of time doesn't change anything. I think I've spent quite awhile feeling like I deserved the pain of him being with someone because I'd left him. I've stopped beating myself up.

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You're so right Brit. I've never used the kindle highlighter before and it is all over this book. Learning that we don't deserve the pain is so key.

I'm also seeing shades of H as a codependent. I always told him he was enabling a friend of his who would, without fail, get in his car and drive somewhere and then call H for directions. But that's a whole other story. Both of us being somewhat codependent seems to mesh with the turmoil after I recovered from my illness and our roles where he was more of a caretaker had a shakeup.

Anyway, just got home from my trip. H is out of town. I'm pretty sure he slept in my bed while I was gone and he was home for a night. I know the guest room air mattress is messing with his neck but I find it hard to feel sorry about that.

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I enjoyed Co-Dependent No More and usually recommend it on the boards. Next to DR, it is the book that has caused the most growth for me.

Such a challenging book...

It's a fine line to walk because people can very easily to use it to justify anger (Teaching lessons vs. allowing consequence).

As you know most co-dependents.. get involved with other co-dependents. It's a tough cycle to break...

I believe this is because there is so much fear that comes along with it. And until you learn to not be afraid, you are even MORE fearful letting go than staying attached.

Well it was for me.

And I definitely went through a period where being around pregnant women or little kids was difficult. My w and I were trying for our first child just 3 months prior to the bomb...

.. but then I remind myself that a co-dependent relationship is not healthy and I'm going to be a 100 times a better mom because I know how to have healthy relationships.

It's a blessing and WILL HUGE in the future.. even if it stings a little NOW.

((( )))


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Hi Val,

You hit the nail right on the head about fear and staying attached and also about knowing that this experience will make us better people/spouses/parents/etc. in the future. I hope smile

H sent me a few texts today updating significant life events for a few people as he gathered from FB since he knows I'm not on it. I thanked him for the info. Not really sure what I'm supposed to do with that knowledge.

A mutual friend who now knows our situation said that he has been posting his usual things on FB at about normal volume. Friend thought it was odd that he wasn't showing any signs of the real-life situation (not that one would advertise on FB). Apparently he's seeking someone to go with him on some random adventure trip to a far-flung location this fall (notably it is not any place we'd ever discussed going nor is it the place he had been planning on going the last time he talked about any trip like that). I guess maybe that means there's no OW lined up waiting to go. sick

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Perhaps a little backsliding last night. I logged into FB for the first time in 6 months to check on the two people H texted me about. Then I decided to check on him (Bad Idea, I know). Turns out he's re-friended some significant women from his past (an x that sent him into major depression spiral and at least one woman with whom he had the online EA/PA) and friended a ton of women who I don't even know (we generally have the same set of friends, these people don't even have any other mutual friends with him).

Seems that what he "needs" to make him happy is the adoration of a cadre of women; my will to stand for my M is running very thin today.

Feels like same sh*t different day. This is what wrecked my self-esteem in the past. Back then, though, I was mad at the other women. Today I know that it's not me, and it's not necessarily them - H has the problem and is the primary actor here.

I think in Brit's thread there's a discussion of the WAS not doing any work on themselves and the LBS seeing the WAS's flaws for the first time from a new, healthier (detached) perspective. That looks to be true here. Last night I got angry but I feel calmer this morning. I deserve to be treated better. I feel sad for H because he's not any closer in this process to figuring out what will actually make him happy. I am.

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Got home today looking awesome (my gym GAL has been paying off) and I know H noticed. He brought up me being around to "sign for" the D papers again. I told him it was going to go through my L and that I would tell him when it was set up. I also told him maybe he should consider putting some of his clothing up in the spare bedroom. He had the dumbest look on his face when he said "Why?" I told him it was so he wasn't in and out of my bedroom because I didn't have anywhere in the house that he wasn't going through and I needed some private space for myself.

Really not doing a good job at not having the sharp edge in my voice tonight. mad

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I stopped being such a stickler for cleaning the kitchen (I guess that's a 180. I've been so busy GAL that I just haven't had as much time for it). Interestingly, H has picked up that slack and then some. Is he DB'ing me with a 180?

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