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Sorry you are in so much pain. As for the EE org site, pick up a phone and call them. Or make sure you are clearly stating what you want and giving them an address for a brochure or info. They are very responsive.

Originally Posted By: netmaster
I wish i could wake up tomorrow and say I don't care what is going to happen. If I get a D I get a D. If she finds OM I don't care. If this and if that. I try staying busy. I do Gal.

Would like to hear more about this^^. How are you GAL? Meeting any new people? I ask this not b/c I think you should date (you are not ready to even if the m is over and it's not relevant atm)

But b/c meeting new peeps who do not know your sitch can help take YOUR MIND OFF of it and that's a big part of detaching. I recall once rehearsing for some community theater role in which I had a demanding lead. We were on stage rehearsing for 2 hours and when it was over It hit me that for 2 HOURS I had not thought or obsessed about h or our marriage the whole time. I even had fun...got good feedback and had some emotional breakthroughs in a "safe appropriate" place.

GAL is powerful when you throw yourself into it. That's why we hammer it so much here.



Even missing mothers day hurts. I F(*(*(*(* hate this. I really do. Cuz her actions make me feel a certain way and I hate that she is controlling me and doesn't even know it





read that ^^^ again and look in the mirror. YOU ARE STILL BLAMING HER FOR YOUR ACTIONS!!

Gee, I guess as long as SHE is in charge of how YOU BEHAVE

HOW YOU SPEAK

AND HOW YOU WALK OR LOOK OR FEEL...then I guess you are powerless.

IS that what you want to be, powerless?

That way you can keep blaming her. You won't have to apologize or change b/c hey, '

changing YOU means YOU DOING THE WORK....

Hey, I'm NOT saying she's an easy going or kind acting w

(though I have not seen the "hate mails" you refer to or any actual quotes, just your reaction to them and your perception....)

but assuming they are hate filled diatribes from her ---okay so what? If it's nutty or unjustified and her data is not real, then it's NOT REAL and so what if she calls you a purple lesbian? Will you "react" to that too?

Why are you giving her all your power?


Oh, b/c you do NOT want to be accountable? You do NOT want to have to react like an adult Man?

Come on Net, take your power back.

NO ONE MAKES YOU DO OR SAY ANYTHING...NO ONE...


when you get THAT part of this equation, you'll begin to change your life b/c you'll be the owner of it.

If your life were a book, who do you think ought to be writing the book?

Who should author the book of YOUR LIFE?? Should it be Her? How about your kids? OR your neighbors OR your parents?

Who should be the person who makes your life go in a specific direction?

Isn't it you? Okay then...start re-writing how THIS chapter goes and think about how you want the rest of this to turn out, to the extent that you are in charge of the main character-you and ONLY YOU....

Specifically you must do the following and I Do NOT see a choice.

You retain a L. THat does not mean you file, it means you get information so you can stop reacting to her threats like a terrified child.

You get information and learn your rights.

It's very empowering to know what she can and cannot do and from the sounds of it,

(assuming you are running your business competently/honestly)

she has a lot LESS power than she believes. In part - you have enabled her to believe she has all the power b/c

you give it to her emotionally by reacting to every single trigger she sends

(and then some she did not send)

and you cave in to her every legal threat....

Hey, to be clear, I am NOT telling you to corner her into filing to "hold her to her word"

as in you getting mad that she did not follow thru and hire a L...(B/C that's a good thing for you!!)

but YOU GET some L info and you do NOT tell her.


Unless and until you file, there's no need for you to tell her.

Why would you? To escalate? TO punish? It'll backfire. The real justice IF there is any, won't come from your mouth. IT'll come in life or court. Don't spout off about hiring a L...

if she continues to do so, you can say "I saw a L too and he/she has a different opinion so I guess they'll work it out in court"

and then you'll have NOTHING to discuss til that time comes.

But try hard to
Remember that clever "WAIT" Trick you were given...ask yourself

"Why Am I Talking?" It IS a mantra that ought to become one of yours today.

If you are not talking about your kids, what's there to say?

If she eggs you on,
Tell her you'll call her back when you get a chance but 'now is not a good time to talk" and then HANG UP THE PHONE and STFU.

No more "losing it" from you. If she is venting and wailing out loud BY HERSELF OR TO HERSELF...(b/c you hung up)

even she will wear herself out...even she will realize it's pretty odd...unhealthy.

by the way, as a L myself I have often recommended to clients that they seek mediation. I'm not a div lawyer but mediation is for lots of civil litigation.

Sometimes it comes AFTER the main issues (or most contentious) have been decided or litigated.

There are usually SOME things that can be mediated...same for divorce.

...Sure, she may insist on fighting about every single thing but in the end, that shows. And courts don't like it.


Knowledge is power. Go get some and control yourself. Stop blaming anyone for what YOU SAY or DO and don't teach your kids to blame others either. Also model this adult behavior for your w b/c she's never seen it apparently,

and I guess you have not either. I hope you'll follow thru with EE or some sort of good thorough anger management course.

YOU must change you and you are all you can change.

Good luck and remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. What she says today does not mean a thing tomorrow. You've heard us tell you 100 times

"believe none of what they say and only half of what they do."

She has not seen a L or filed. She just wants money and vents on you. Stop letting her. Get the info you need to navigate thru this.

Then regroup.




M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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25 did you just tell me to date another W? Maybe I misread that.

25 yes I feel powerless. My counselor has been trying to help me get my power back.

25 thanks for advice on L. I have 2 lawyers waiting in the high grass. I met with the top 5 lawyers in the area and told them who my W was so she couldn't use any of them. I told them my situation and I did learn that she won't get as much as she thinks she will be getting. I do have some exposure on the business side but that is only because my income dropped by 1/2 due to some regulations and economy down turns.

25 we did meet with a mediator. She was ready to start D right there but he would not take our case. Because a. My business. B. He felt I wasn't ready for D and she was. That is when the L threats came and I never heard from her again after that on L. Not to bring up cycle but she got it and everything calmed the F down. the problem is its almost 2 weeks when dealing with PMMD. Not just a few days. Sometimes 3 weeks of anger. Again as KD states out of my control but picture 3 out 4 weeks every month of hate, anger, venom. Not fun trust me.

So right now she is being nice again. Won't last more then a week. But as someone else suggested I should pull back when she is being nice. So this weekend is her weekend with kids. I am going to stay busy with friends.

As far as GAL goes I play a lot of texas holdem. I'm actually ranked #1 in my state for May. I meet tons of friends there and actually a few guys dealing with the same stuff. I golf A TON now. dropped my handicap to a 12 for the first time ever. This was the first week I've gone into the office every day.

I also have a beautiful condo lined up for June/July time that requires a year lease.

I did call EE. They have a program in the fall and I'm on the list.

As far as anger management goes my counselor said to be careful with those because most programs are court ordered for men who beat their wives. But would like a recommendation for this because I would take an anger course.

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Read your post above, NM... read it over and over...

Read it like it isn't you...

what do you see?

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KD if I saw the things you saw in my posts that were stupid or didn't make sense I wouldn't write them right.

What the lawyer thing. Damn straight Im going to protect myself and not have her hire some astronomical costing lawyer.

The PMMD thing. Whatever it's a fact. Yes out of my control but I tell you this we will never R without it being addressed some how. Either in counseling when we are in a better position or somewhere.

I don't know what you see KD. Just tell me how you read my posts in a non cryptic way.

I'm burnt out like a piece of toast stuck in a toaster.

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ok...

do you really think 25 told you to date?

do you really think that your counsellor is going to give you your power back?

you contacted the top 5 lawyers in your area so that they could not represent your W? Are you f'n serious?

wow...

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BTW: That lawyer thing... that's not about your wife hiring a costly lawyer. That's her choice, not yours...

No... that's about controlling her...

I don't think you are burnt out, yet... but I hope it happens soon... with the least possible damage...

Find your bottom... so that you can finally rise above all this stuff that is holding you back...

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KD I was confused on interpreting this:

Would like to hear more about this^^. How are you GAL? Meeting any new people? I ask this not b/c I think you should date (you are not ready to even if the m is over and it's not relevant atm)

The lawyer thing isn't about controlling her. She can get a lawyer. Its about protecting my azz. I have a business and a W willing to try to take my kids from me period. I will protect that the best I can and if push comes to shove I want the best lawyers on my side in this area. Period. So she gets the #6 lawyer.

No the counselor isn't going to give me my power back. He has identified the same thing 25 told me. I have LOST my power. I need to take it back. How I ask him. He said with little things. If she asks you to do something non critical to kids. Say no. no guilt. If she goes out with a bunch of single guys (that is her new thing) don't care. Don't say a thing. If she threatens you with D don't react. He told me to sign the lease and move on. Believe me KD do you really think I don't want MY POWER back. Do you really think I want to be a bag of luggage on some days? The majority of the day I am not obsessing on the sitch. I'm talking its just a few hours a day it happens. Mostly triggered by a neighbor or a friend telling me something she did or asking how things are etc..I wish I could go away for a month

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i think one of your statements previously is absolutely correct; you may need to get on an anti-anxiety prescription to help you to CALM DOWN.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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NM, my GAL consisted of things that are specifically important to me. In my case, I spent a lot of time amongst nature. It is soothing and helps me centre myself. I also have been going out more frequently just to people watch. Again, it's what I do.

NM, part of the problem for my M was that I burried myself in work. The excuse was to provide more money for the household, the underlying reality is it helped me hide from my W.

I have been an independent business owner all my life, NM. Literally... beginning on a family farm and then developing my business savvy from there... While I don't mind working for someone else, I thrive "spiritually" by working for myself. That... is about control... me controlling me and my own destiny... not someone telling me what to do, how to do it, where to go and how to get there... I spent two years tethered to a phone at one point in my life and I think I just about lost it...

So I understand that you don't feel that you are trying to control your W... but you talk about your business and how you will protect it at all cost from your W... that is about control... you are talking about your W as "the enemy"... something that we do in the business world... as business owners... when we feel that a competing company is a threat... or we want to advance our business... AT THE EXPENSE of another...

I have a suspicion that you play a game of win/loose. Have you ever conducted yourself or your business in a win/win case?

If I were to put a metaphor on it, it appears that you are seeing your W as a business competitor... at what point was your W ever going to be a business partner? Your conversation really suggests to me that you see your W as a subordinate, unworthy of the spoils of your business... that... is controlling mentality... no matter if you hide it behind the passive/aggressive language of "protecting yourself and your business".

So at first, you suggested that you talked to the highest PRICE lawyers... now you are suggesting that those lawyers are the "best" lawyers... are you suggesting that the highest priced lawyers are the BEST lawyers...?

And in the end, it sounds to me like you are either controlling your W by lawyers or by perceived power... it doesn't matter what I think and what you think... but understand that if it seems like that to me... it could just as easily appear to your W that you try to control her... why would she want to be with a controller?

We don't get our power back by pummelling someone into the ground... and into submission...

We get our power back by being ourselves...

A counselor can guide you... as we can offer support and suggestions in your DBing... but... it doesn't matter what your counsellor or we say...

You...

need to DO...

It is up to you... it only ever was... and always be...

What power you seek? Either take that power OVER others that you appear to want...

or take the power to support and contribute to your family...

I think that we have to rethink this whole power thing... because the metaphor being used is that your W has "taken" your power...

I think that isn't true... I don't think that your W has taken anything from you... I think you put a veil on that power and are allowing your W to appear to be the enemy as though she stole something from you, putting you in a justifiable position to do what ever it takes to beat that power out of her and "take it back from her"...

Stop blaming your W for taking something she didn't... and blaming her for something that she hasn't even done...

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Just some extra thoughts here...

Do you love your business more than your love your W?

Do you love money more than you love your W?

Would you ever have considered giving it all up... the business... in order to seek what which you really love?

Are you using your business resources... or are you prepared to... to WIN against your W? Would you consider that an "unfair" advantage? Do you go into a knife fight with a gun?

When your business started to turn "due to the economy and regulations", did you take your stress of that out on your W?

Have you ever "lost it all" in business?

NM, I have learned that my power comes not from success... but from failure... I've learned that if I loose it all, I can get back up, turn around, and make more...

I am fine with you using me as a benchmark for yourself... I appreciate it... but know this... I lost it all... in order to get to where I am now... and I am OK with that... and I stopped being afraid, because I remembered that I will come back... I will make more money...

But I couldn't be the husband or father that I wanted to be, without remembering that it isn't an "either / or" situation... it's not a win / loose game...

Would you die for your W?

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