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pa stands for passive/aggressive

NM, I appreciate if you tell me that you generally are not a controlling person. Neither am I. If you look at resources regarding this, most of us can find where we do not conform to the clinical diagnostics of the personality disorder.

What I am suggesting is that as we go through these traumas, there is a tendency (we do see it often here) that people go into both controlling and p/a behaviours... until we get THROUGH that and start being our genuine self, again.

One action does not make you controlling. Just understand and recognize when you are. I am sure you would rather take a different tack. And I understand your fear that you may loose your kids... I feared that, as well...

So we do what we do out of fear... rather than out of logical reasoning and compassion and love...

The law is the law and yes, there is probably an advantage to having a lawyer who has a good track record to represent you in this case. But that's not to say that her having L#6 will somehow prevent her from "winning" over you, in court...

You are worried about loosing... just consider for a moment, that you have already lost, my friend...

Because you have...

No matter what, there's no do overs... your children... your W... you... and everyone who is connected with you all, have already lost...

So now is the time to show your power...

Be the person that makes sure that everyone wins... that you can create an environment of LEAST damage...

THAT is the power that you need to own... and it is already in you...

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Not that I don't want CBT. My counselor is working on child issues or the core issues of what causes my anxiety, paranoia, etc.

Maybe I will consider CBT to get those thoughts out of my head. 90% of the time what I am actually thinking is wrong.

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Kd did some research on PA and I definitely have some of those character flaws. Also seems to tie into my childhood upbringing

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Originally Posted By: netmaster
90% of the time what I am actually thinking is wrong.


Oh my goodness! Without being able to hear any tone or infliction in your voice, I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry about this statement.

Net, please google cognitive distortions and see which ones you may identify with. I suspect it will give you a clearer understanding of how certain thought patterns have become an obstacle for you.


M:36 WAH:41
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Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
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Dory what do you mean laugh or cry? I'm aware that most of my thoughts from anxiety and my own insecurities are wrong.

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http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

This is me below >>>>>

14. Always Being Right.

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

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Because the statement itself is loaded with cognitive distortion. I wasn't sure if you were serious or being witty about it...

You said 90% of the time you're wrong. Let me ask you, is that TRUTHFULLY accurate? Or could you be overgeneralizing, catastrophizing, adding a negative filter, etc.?


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No actually 90% of the time I get anxious and think my W is doing this and/or that and I come to discover it ends up being the exact opposite.

For example. She had penciled a name on the calendar and I thought it was appt for L. It ended up being a meet up with a friend.

I need to address this stuff.

I'm also trying to not be so hard on myself on some of this stuff. I've come to realize that my sitch in itself is extremely stressful. I miss my kids extremely. I miss family life etc.

Thx Dory

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Originally Posted By: netmaster
No actually 90% of the time I get anxious and think my W is doing this and/or that and I come to discover it ends up being the exact opposite.

For example. She had penciled a name on the calendar and I thought it was appt for L. It ended up being a meet up with a friend.

I need to address this stuff.

I'm also trying to not be so hard on myself on some of this stuff. I've come to realize that my sitch in itself is extremely stressful. I miss my kids extremely. I miss family life etc.

Thx Dory


Net, I believe you. I can only imagine the stress you're under. I was fortunate enough to do CBT a long time ago so lucky for me, I'm not nearly as wound up like I could be.

Practicing self compassion can go a long way. When you know better, you do better, right? It's our mistakes that make us human. I struggle with it myself quite a bit. I can't count the number of times I've said something in therapy & my T has said, "And what would you say to a friend who just said that?" It's a good question to ask yourself when falling into the trap of beating yourself up over something.

Anxiety is a good indicator of when's a good time to challenge your thinking. When it happens, slow down and ask yourself if there are any other possible explainations.

Such as seeing your wife's calendar. I'll use this as an example since you brought it up. You assumed and jumped to the conclusion that it was a L's appt, which fueled your anxiety. And you held on to that anxiety for quite a while, I remember it wink. And you felt unnecessarily terrible as a result.

It's much simpler and easier on your emotional state of wellbeing to have recognized the anxiety you were feeling and questioned where it was coming from: "What do I know about this appointment on her calendar?" And the reality being, you knew nothing about it or who this person is. So, it's reasonable to to tell yourself, "I don't have enough information to draw any conclusions."

Telling yourself that you don't have enough information to go on leaves you in a far better state of mind than jumping to conclusions/making assumptions and perpetuating anxiety.

It's perfectly ok to say I don't know. It's a lot better on the psyche to remain in blissful ignorance than to draw your own conclusions on incomplete information. grin


M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
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