I also am looking to go back to day job as we speak. I always told her I thought if we both went back to work would be nice healthy separation.
I have the same reasoning of being a business owner. I don't own a business kd for wealth . I own a business for time freedom so I can have the schedule that allows me to do the things with my family I always wanted.
Kd there is a fine line between controlling person and setting boundaries. They blur.
I started doing research to truly see how controlling I was . Like the traits were: won't let W wear her hair a certain way, wear a bikini , go out with friends, hang with relatives, monitor purchases, verbal abuse calling spouse ugly, fat, skinny, nobody.
Every person is in controlling to a degree Kd. Christ my W is controlling .
Controlling behaviours are also manipulation... you manipulated the your W's legal right by ensuring she could not get the "high priced" or "best" lawyers...
As suggested by bug... that's controlling, not boundaries...
Are we all controlling? Sure... we all want to control our own life and destiny...
But putting a rope around a new patch of grass isn't a boundary... it's controlling...
A boundary is something like: If you shoot at me with a gun, I will not be around you any more. It's not trying to stop them from having or using a gun, which is an attempt to control another... It is removing oneself from a real or perceived threat... that is the boundaries we talk about, here...
Ok. I really need to learn better not to react. Has anyone on this forum really really struggled with this and then learned not to do it. If so what was the easiest path to do so.
Yes. CBT was a godsend. It's simple, but not easy. I don't think easy exists when it comes to self-growth.
I'd mentioned it to you before that you'd probably find it useful, but you said CBT wasn't for you...Do you mind saying why?
I'm just curious.
Because,
When it's broken down to it's simplest form, the ONLY thing that has any effect on our feelings are our thoughts.
When it's a hot sunny day and person X thinks, "Crap! I'm going to get a sunburn!"
vs.
A hot sunny day and person Y thinks, "What a great day to take the kids to the beach!"
Exact same scenario, yet opposing feelings. The feelings of each individual is not caused by the sun (or any outside stimulus) but rather, the feelings are generated by the thoughts of each individual.
It's not your W's hatemail (or whatever behaviour) that makes it difficult for you to detach and not react. It's your thoughts about it that drive your feelings. When our feelings become uncomfortable it's human nature to unconsciously react (impulsively) rather than consciously respond.
And this is where CBT became so useful for me. I learned to starve what was feeding the vicious cycle. I learned to define some self destructive thought processes and learned to replace them with more accurate and healthier thoughts, allowing me the ability to have absolute control over how I feel.
Simple, but not easy.
I'm not saying that things don't occasionally get away from me. Still, it happens. But it happens very infrequently compared to before CBT. And when I notice that my feelings are becoming uncomfortable, I take a break & use mindfulness techniques to bring myself back to the here and now and regain conscious control over my thoughts and resulting feelings.
Net, I see so much of my former self in you. You've been conditioned to react to others because to fail to do so meant possible harm. It served you well at one point in time but is now acting as an obstacle. In my experience, CBT has proven most effective in helping me overcome a TON of these obstacles and as a result, I'm a much calmer, happier and grounded person than I ever used to be.
M:36 WAH:41 M:16 T:17 D:12 SS:21 Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11 Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.
I'm saying I have controlling tendencies and so does my wife and basically every person who walks the planet but I never not let my wife be herself. Did it bother me she had like 7 different guys txting her . Yes what guy wouldn't . That to me is a respect and boundary issue.
Kd yes I consulted with one particular lawyer who I knew had a Track record for kids and moms house . I want the kids in my life 50% of the time . You call it controlling I call it protecting my right to my kids. My state dies not favor dads and kids period.
