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#2243773 - 05/08/12 06:33 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 10 [Re: Broken74]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I do recommend a book Mom's House Dad's House. Especially if separated even if not D'd yet. Thanks Broken.

My W is all over the place emotionally. That is better then saying hormonal I suppose. She was like this b4 separation but it makes it tougher.

I'm moving on a little. I had a bad few hours today. Turning down helping her still guilts me. Even after 2 days ago she basically threatened to destroy me.

I do find reading distracts me for a bit. But what is funny is I sort of have a little ADD and have trouble reading

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#2243909 - 05/09/12 09:53 AM Re: Recently Seperated Part 10 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Can I get someone's opinion seriously. I really think my wife has PMMD and there is no possible way for me to ever address it. The last 2 weeks where I was threatened with d, dragged into a mediator office and asked to xfer funds into her acct to pay for retainer for a L. That was my life for the last 2 weeks. She literally gets her you know what (cycle) on Monday and she talking to me like we are friends and like none of this ever happened. L talks vanish. This has been my life for almost 3 years. I so want the M to work but I just can't see how with this underlying issue. I can work on my stuff until I'm PURPLE. Has anyone experienced such craziness. Trying NOT to react to this behavior is like trying to quit smoking and working at a bar full of smokers.

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#2243956 - 05/09/12 12:18 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 10 [Re: ThisDayForward]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
NM, do you really not see the pattern here?

What ever her reasons for "cycling"... there is nothing... nothing... nothing... nothing... that you can do to make it stop...

OMG NM, let it go! When she is ready, she will take care of it... IF SHE thinks it's a problem for her...

4 months now we've been hearing about this... that's horrible... we know... there's nothing you can do about it...

But you can choose how YOU deal with it.

It took me a year to get to where I am now... but I had to let go of that stuff... my W's behaviours that had way too much negative effect on me...

It took me choosing to accept that is simply who she was... and deciding whether I would accept her back into my life WITH those behaviours... but at the very least, that I would choose to no longer trigger from those behaviours... at least to the extent that I used to...

You are welcome to keep focusing on that and letting it consume you... but doing so will not help the M... nor will it help you...

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#2243981 - 05/09/12 01:51 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 10 [Re: ~ kd ~]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
The times when your WAW is the nicest to you are the times when you should be pulling back even further. Stop being a yo yo that is simply being walked like a dog until your WAW decides to yank on the string to reel you in.

Detach my friend!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2243999 - 05/09/12 02:37 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 10 [Re: 2thepoint]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
KD I know your points. I'm not detached you see. You also ended your marriage and ready to date. I'm ready to end this marriage also. Unfortunately for me 2 kids keep me hanging on by a thread.

2thepoint thx for the tip. I'll try it. Seems when I told her that I agree to the D and would make it as smooth and as quick as possible her attitude changed a little. Maybe not.

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#2244082 - 05/09/12 07:49 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 10 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
KD thx for posting that earlier today. It really hit home. It is those mood swings that trigger my reactions. It is amazing when she is nice to me how my anxiety goes way side. Almost pathetic like behavior.

2thepoint. I wish I could detach my friend. I wish there was a switch. I feel the only way I'll ever detach is when she is gone. Sad and scary. I'm trying to wake up everyday and say who cares. I'm failing. I'm honest. I'm aware.

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#2244085 - 05/09/12 08:19 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 10 [Re: ThisDayForward]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
I wish i could wake up tomorrow and say I don't care what is going to happen. If I get a D I get a D. If she finds OM I don't care. If this and if that. I try staying busy. I do Gal. Even missing mothers day hurts. I F(*(*(*(* hate this. I really do. Cuz her actions make me feel a certain way and I hate that she is controlling me and doesn't even know it

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#2244086 - 05/09/12 08:21 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 10 [Re: ThisDayForward]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2762
Loc: VA
Net, you're basically saying that you can work on not reacting only if she stops triggering you. That is unfortunately not how it works. Assume that she will provide triggers. Learn to stop reacting.

You keep saying that you're trying, but it's hard, and it takes time, and it's not your fault because it's because of her PMMD.

Here's how you do it: practice. Start small. When you notice that you did not react immediately to something, really stop and notice it. Praise yourself, bring it to your therapist, reward yourself. When you notice that you did react but were able to stop, do the same. Celebrate small victories. Continue practicing. How you change your behavior is so simple and yet so difficult: you just DO it. You stop talking, wishing, and explaining. You Do it, and do it some more.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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#2244087 - 05/09/12 08:29 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 10 [Re: adinva]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
^^^great advice, adinva!
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2244092 - 05/09/12 08:35 PM Re: Recently Seperated Part 10 [Re: scaredsilly]
ThisDayForward Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/12
Posts: 2124
Thx adniva. Sometimes I think meds to calm anxiety would be far easier.

Even when I prep myself not to react and even when I know its the week that she will be miserable I still failed at not reacting. I got so down on myself after that.

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