This is my journey

[needgrace]

Thank you, SD. Her script changed dramatically in the email. Previously, I was at fault for everything and there was a great deal of anger. It seems like her new script is a place where MC could have been truly helpful but she is not open to that now.

I love Pia Mellody. Thank you. I am such a love addict and am starting to work on changing that.

The NC is for me so I can get through the withdrawal. I know I am in this place to grow.

How are you doing SD? ((( )))

[Valeska19]

Just as your feelings swing on the pendulum....

... so does hers.

It only until the feelings and emotions settle... that the truth will appear.

Until them - just ride the wave and try not to drown.

If the NC is for you - than nothing she does should change that.

Each day you will get stronger.

Believe that and you will be just fine.

((( )))

[Valeska19]

Ugh...

"It's only until the feelings and emotions settle... that the truth will appear."

Stupid.. old... computer.

[Brit45]

"It's only until the feelings and emotions settle... that the truth will appear."

really great advice. I guess that's why they say don't believe what they say.

It's interesting that you say her script changed. It sounds like she's doing a lot of soul searching. Just let her sort and focus on you. And don't worry non stop that you'll see her at Pride, just enjoy yourself.

((((((HUGS)))))

[Truegritter]

"That secret from which one never quite recovers, that in even in the most perfect love, one person loves less profoundly than the other."

Thornton Wilder
"The Brideg of San Luis Rey"

NG you have an opportunity to find out what it means to love someone the way you say you do.

The vows. My post before.

Are those a promise for her?

Why are you here?

Why do you want her back in your life?

I am not trying to be a jerk...real questions.

For YOU.

How would you want to be loved? Did she show you that as she said she did?

What about now?

And your love?

Do I have the answer? Not yours. I found mine.

That is what you are here for because the other stuff you don't control (Your W and how she chooses to define and express love) and that's not the only reason why you shouldn't focus on it.

Defining how you choose to define and express it is the most important thing.

This is a life's journey if you choose to take the road.

[needgrace]

I love that quote Val. Each time my W puts a new spin on the reasons why she is leaving or how she felt during the M, I allow myself to get pulled along...

Whether it is the "I'm confident we can work things out" of three months ago or this latest email.

For me, I need to let it all settle... and not take to heart what she says until it does.

Thank you, Val. ((( )))

[needgrace]

Thank you, TG. As always, you have given me a lot to think about. Before you posted on my thread, I always read your posts to others bc they would push me to think differently.

Yes, this is an opportunity to truly love her and to follow through on my vows. I spent a lot of time thinking about that yesterday and what that means for now.

I think she still feels a great deal of guilt. I think that as long as she feels it she will not be able to figure out what she needs or wants for her life. I think that my NC is best for her as well as me. I do want her to be happy, whatever that means for her. (Wow, just writing that makes me sad.) I did not know that she felt like she denied her own needs and lost herself in our M, and I want better for her, for her to be able to value who she is and not lose it to anyone, for her to be able to stand up for her needs and not push them aside, for her to be able to explore and express her heart without fear. I feel as if she felt rejected by me (I discovered this after) due to my own shortcomings and the hurt she felt as child and my wish for her is that she is able to know herself, express her needs and accept love without the lens of her childhood distorting it.

Sometimes I question my motives in being here. I tell myself that it is to help me detach and become a stronger, better person but the real truth is the hope that I can learn something that will bring her back and/or make this not hurt so much. I need to make sure that my participation does not stop me from GALing and supports me in detaching, not obsessing. I want to grow, I have learned so much here about who I am and have been in my M, but I need to be careful. It is my nature to stay in my head instead of my heart and I need to make sure that I use this site wisely to open and heal my heart.

I will answer more of your questions later TG, I need to put more thought into them. Thank you for pushing me to think and feel. ((( )))

Yesterday was a really heavy day and this week is hard with her coming to town to file. I am incredibly sad and tired... all these steps towards the D take more and more out of me. I recharge in-between but it does not feel like enough. My W sat across from me 5 months ago when we started talking about the D and said, "I don't know how we got here." I still can't. I cycle between denial and depression and anger. sometimes a moment of acceptance comes for the latest step (I had just accepted her move last month and learning that she was seeing OW a few weeks ago) and then the next step comes too quickly for me and I am back in shock.

I so admire you all that are further along in the D process or have survived the D and developed new lives. I never realized how heroic you are until I joined you on this journey.

[needgrace]

I find myself on hyper alert, cringing anytime a car stops close by, thinking that I am being served the D papers. (W told me she is in town this week to file.)

I am trying to reframe it in my mind by telling myself that it is only a piece of paper, that it is not over as there are another 6 months until it can be final, that I will be okay no matter what, that this is in God's hands. Any other suggestions on thoughts to help me get through this?

Thank you!

[AprilT]

Go get drunk????? I'm trying to make you smile. NG it is just a piece of paper, and whether or not she actually does it is not in your hands. The worst thing you can do today is sit and wait. It's like sitting with your cell in your lap waiting for a text or a call....

Go out for lunch, go shopping, get your nails and toes done, do anything to pass the time except sit and wait. Its going to be a looooooooooooong day if you do that.

Hugs going out to you!

[scaredsilly]

i took my first yoga class yesterday. it's so relaxing and calming. i feel more centered and hopeful and happy. all that after one class! you might try it?