Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?

[labug]

Don't have the conversation.

[AlwaysTrying]

When I say I am detached - I think I am. I am ready for her to make this mistake if she chooses.

I am ready to give my lawyer another $3500 and another $3500 after that most likely so we can do this. I am ready to take charge of my situation and DO this divorce.

I can accept that if that is the choice she makes.

But if there is some possibility that I can impress on her the idea that I'm not a brick wall and that a little more patience is good for everyone... I have to do that.

[AlwaysTrying]

I would like for her to have a few days while she is away in another city (at her cousin's wedding - she is a bridesmaid) to consider that we can call a ceasefire a little while longer and I won't be living in the house. And that if she doesn't, it's her choice, not mine.

[AlwaysTrying]

Don't have the conversation.

Good advice. Had the talk. Honestly, I think I do a lot better than I did 6 or 9 months ago. I never felt anything other than calm.

She's upset. That isn't going to be my problem any more.

She *really* does not appreciate me. Words bend and have no meaning around her. If I change my mind on something, then she says that I lied. Often it's not even changing my mind, but clarifying my views based on context.

[AlwaysTrying]

Re: not feeling anything other than calm... I still feel calm, but I also stayed up until 1AM. Being totally calm.

Good night.

[AlwaysTrying]

I told her last night that I'm going to move back in if she doesn't push back the divorce. There is no point in staying out if she won't be reached and I want to be with my kids.

I told her I would do almost anything to avoid this path but it's her choice. She lashed out in response. She said that I can't see what I'm not capable of doing.

This morning I opened my own checking account and transferred my money there.

[labug]

Did the conversation get you closer to where you want to be?

[AlwaysTrying]

Did the conversation get you closer to where you want to be?

Wait, are you trying to be funny now? I didn't expect her to immediately back down. I expected her to react negatively. I just wanted to plant the idea, if at all possible, that my deepest desire is to give her space and give our relationship the best chance of improving.

Unfortunately, her choices make that impossible for me. We are entering a more overtly antagonistic period now, but my wish is to back off and do it a different way.

Probably, she didn't hear anything I said. Her filter on my words is so twisted, it is nearly impossible to communicate.

Maybe something did catch, and while she is away at her cousin's wedding, she can think about it.

I don't plan on bringing it up again for at least a month. I'm going to be quiet.

[AlwaysTrying]

LRT

Wisdom from the ages (thanks Sandi

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Better late than never. :-/

[labug]

Probably, she didn't hear anything I said. Her filter on my words is so twisted, it is nearly impossible to communicate.

That's why is probably better to not talk.

Actions speak louder than words. Every time you push her, she will push back harder.