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The purpose of this site is to help you navigate through the solution-oriented techniques created by Michele Weiner-Davis that have been proven for over 30 years to save marriages. Her techniques are spelled out in the materials linked to this site, but most commonly on this board we are talking about Divorce Busting(DB), Divorce Remedy(DR) and Keeping Love Alive (KLA). Most of the folks here are familiar with one or more of these works, and while it's most helpful if you familiar with the techniques we will help you navigate them. This is not a peer-counseling site, it's a brainstorming solutions site. And yet, some folks will give you 'advice'.
Some of our members are more experienced with the materials than others. Some are not. And sometimes you will find advice that contradicts the principles here. You will find that those who know the principles and are committed to marriage will challenge bad advice. Good advice is about brining MORE LOVE into your relationship and therefore helps you brainstorm solutions. Bad 'advice' is very self centered and does the opposite.
We don't catch everything, though, so your BEST bet is to compare the advice you receive to the materials (DB/DR/KLA). And if it's confusing, click NOTIFY. We will help you as soon as we am able. Better yet--call for an appointment with a DB Coach.
If you are new to this site, and especially if your spouse has a foot out the door--start with Newcomers, at least initially, to learn the basic techniques/skills. You will also want to check out the Divorce Remedy forum. Then:
If you are dealing with the specific issue of Infidelity, you might like to check out that forum.
If you are having trouble with a SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE, you may also like to find some support and creative solutions on that forum.
When your spouse is really willing to work with you, and has stopped talking about leaving, you are PIECING. I'll explain later, but it's important to catch that step and act accordingly. This is the space in which to really build your skillset and strengthen your relationship. You may find you backslide here, that's ok. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off--you're still 'Piecing' unless you really want to join a different forum. There is no need to go back to newcomers. You just begin again with a 'Beginner's Mind' if you need to.
Later, when you feel yo uare on more solid ground or that you have advanced, we have a forum for you if you'd still like to work on your DB skillset and get support: After Reconciling--Keeping the Changes Going.
We have other forums that you may want to check out, but this is the 'nuts and bolts'.
What are your measurements of success? Do you feel you are good at catching the small successes and building on them? Do you feel you need a full melding of the minds / perfect harmony befor you feel you've made it.
Piecing is where you having a willing partner, working with you. You are no longer in the LRT. Your spouse is talking about being with you and not talking about leaving.
This is where you really build your skillset, and the better you do that, the more likely you won't be back at the heartbreak point.
Michele's facebook quote here is a real teaching point:
When things are going right in your marriage, pay special attention to how you and your spouse act, think & feel. Reproduce these traits when things start going downhill.