What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Today I took S out to walk grandma's dogs - and we visited a park. It made me a bit sad to watch him and see a baseball game going on and know that H is missing out on this. Of course, that's his choice.

I don't know if I should even talk to H. He is still angry - every single time we talk, he throws in 'I need you to sign the [serving] papers'. Do I just not talk?

His LL is words of affirmation, and touch. I definitely can't do the touch he hates it. The words of affirmation though - do I attempt?

My FIL is telling me to ignore him entirely. Like if I walk in a room to not initiate contact. Do I try?

[LIO]

One more - I don't know why I don't feel angry at him for this last affair. Does that mean there is something wrong with me? I am saddened by it. I feel like my dreams are blowing up in front of me. Although I realized that I can still work on my goals, and I can still have part of the dream - maybe just not with him in it.

He needs some time to work through this. I am a total quality time person, and we haven't had that in 5 years. I need it but I don't think it's the right time for it.

[kat727]

It is hard to see what you know your H will be missing if he continues on this path. I choose to see how blessed I am that my kids and I are close and that they choose to come to me and work out their stuff. His loss.

Don't focus on him. Don't feel bad for him. Keep that light on you. Leave him alone like your FIL said. Now you work on you. Your H has a ton of work to do and that is up to him if he does it.

kat

[LIO]

I am starting to have increased anxiety. I've always had it - especially when I ask him to do something and I 'hope' he will and end up getting disappointed.
But now I'm at the point where going to work is difficult. I feel like I'm slipping in every direction of life.

[kat727]

Might be time to see your Dr. I was on anti depressants for a couple of months, also saw a counselor and thankfully had this site. Get to feeling better.

kat

[LIO]

Yeah I agree. The last 2 rounds of this with him have led me to a counselor before - think it's time to revisit.

My life with him has definitely been a roller coaster ride. I know he's got a family history of bipolar, but regardless if he wants to deal with it (in a healthy way instead of through these bouts of trying to find 'happiness' through EA's, PA's and what would be a bit of manic behavior).
Either way, I guess I need to focus on myself.

It's easier for me to get out what I want to say in writing to him than to talk to him (guess I don't need to 'see' the rejection).
I wrote to him that if he wanted to move out as he wants, then I will not stop him. He can use his next two paychecks to get the deposit ready for his apartment. I know that as he gets over the summer, he will miss out on all the summer activities we used to do (we do really well in the summer together because we get to spend time outside).

Either way - bipolar or dealing with spouse who wants a divorce, I have to focus on creating my own calming environment. And go to a counselor myself now. This too shall pass. It always does.

[LIO]

I was out walking this morning and had a breakthrough. Prior to affairs, I used to be less stressed. Not that the affairs caused my stress, I let it build up WMD build up myself by putting so much pressure on being a perfectionist, and taking jobs that were very demanding of my time and energy, then the affairs started. The distancing started. Of course, why would he want to be around someone always stressed out and always "on"?

He made a comment that he can't relax at home recently. Of course I see why now.

[kat727]

Can you see that lessening the stress would be good for you as well? Personally, I live in such a constant state that whenever I slow down to go on vacation I get sick! How crazy is that? I am so used to it but it takes a toll, I am constantly tired. Sound familiar?

Find things to do that relax you even if it is just soaking in a warm bath every night. Peace will start to come.

kat

[LIO]

Yes, I actually had a good morning - kept it very low key, and had good interactions with S as well.

Unfortunately my boss called and wanted to know what is going on (I haven't been functioning well).

Has anyone ever had to talk about the personal issues at work with their boss?

I avoided it for 2 months because I tried to not let it get to me - but my work since uncovering the PA has been down.

On the good side, I think we are going to work out some sort of reduced hours... And I don't have to go to some of the stressful meetings I did before.
But I guess it's too late to not be thought of as not having drama.
I was considering switching jobs to something less stressful, and with everyone always knowing my business, it seems I may have to do that this year anyhow.

[kat727]

Since I work in a 2 person office, I did let my boss know. So lucky he kept me on as I was a mess for about 7 months. After the divorce, I had sleep issues for at least two years. You aren't alone, a lot of us have been where you are now.

Kat