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Ok here we go:
goals for the week: NC for the weekend to the following Sunday/Monday. I need to hold strong to this.

Go run 4 times this week.
Get another book read.
Paint a room in the house.
Finish the yard.
No blog checks.

Otherwise I'm going to be spending more time obsessing like I did today. No good. No good.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
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Good!

Originally Posted By: LIO
Get another book read.


What are you going to read?


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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Well... 2 books really:
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

and a non-relationship book, ThinkerToys (A Handbook of Creative-Thinking Techniques) part of my GAL is to get my business up and running.

I did find a local entrepreneur event for next Tuesday that I will go to as well, all about selling. Will be very helpful and something I've not done before (the networking with others, and learning how to sell).


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
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wow, even just writing that was pretty powerful. Like being accountable for something that benefits just me. cool!


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
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Journaling:
bad convo with H last night on phone. Textbook everything not to do or say in the conversation. I don't want to get into it all right now BUT at the end of the night, I realized:

--I am better off without 'THIS' version of him. And this is who I have to work with RIGHT now. Forget forever, forget in the past. THIS is what he is RIGHT now.
--His anger in his voice is not acceptable to me. I won't engage with him when he is being passive aggressive either.
--I am not a mind reader.
--I am not someone's 'back up' choice. I'm not interested in a R with him like last year when we were in limbo.
--I can't have a relationship with someone who 'wants' something (like more spare time to himself) never said anything about it and then 'punishes' me because I couldn't read his mind.
--There isn't mutual respect.
--I don't let strangers talk rudely to me and not walk away. Why not do the same to H.
--Pursuing behavior of someone who has checked out and exhibits selfish motives is pathetic. I would NEVER think of dating someone like H in his state at the moment. I would say 'pass'. So why chase?
--Arguments over 'feelings' are still pointless. Stop engaging in that.
--We all make our choices, and we all have benefits and consequences in life. I can only deal with my own choices.
--I can only work on and worry about myself.
--Getting trapped in all that nonsense is INSANE. just continuing the cycle that I 'say' I want to break from. We both do it, but I can only control myself, my actions and my responses.


Why would I want to be in a relationship with someone who I feel behaves selfishly, who never puts in the 'work' it takes and only wants the reward? Why would I want to live where I feel like my feelings don't matter, where I worry about if he is where he says he is... No. I would pass on my H if I were in the dating world. I have no expectations of him changing (I can't believe I wrote that - but it's true). I have no expectations. THIS is what I'm dealing with right now. I will be cordial, I will be pleasant - but any 'effort' I make is because I want to be a better version of me and because we have a S(5). It's not to attract 'THIS' H.

And oddly, the last thing i thought to myself was: why keep holding the rope. What's the point? Just gives me rope burns, tires out my muscles, and prevents me from doing anything else when I've got a death grip. Drop the damn rope.

I could care less if I get served at this point. I was afraid every day of talking to him that he'd bring it up or when I'd see a officer at work. Screw that. Do it or don't. If he brings it up again, I'll get the paper, sign it, hand it to him and say 'ok, here's your form, for your divorce. You spend your time in line at the court house.' Yes, that would shock him, but that's not the point. I really don't care either way. I'm tired of fighting. He expects me to keep fighting, and I'm done. I just don't care to spend any more effort in convincing someone who doesn't want it.
I thought that would be 'giving up', quitting. But to keep 'letting' him affect me is quitting on myself. It's a distraction.

I know, a big 'duh' moment. I'm getting there.

So enough with H. Back to me wink
Lost another .5 lbs. Ran 2 miles, walked and talked with BFF for 2 miles. She is so supportive and that's so nice to have in life. Someone who doesn't tell you what you 'should' do, but questions the hell out of your motives so you have to think.
(Like you all, but in real life!)


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Jan 2012
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You sound so strong and focused on what's important: you! You WILL be a better person! You WILL be stronger! You WILL focus on what makes you happy! You WILL be with someone who respects you and what you offer!!

Great turning point for you!


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Originally Posted By: LIO
I know, a big 'duh' moment. I'm getting there.


I am glad you are beginning to see your way through this.

Can't fix yourself when you're using your H as a mirror.

This is hard stuff to see when you're in the thick of it.What you just wrote is part of the process.

Living it is harder.

Keep steppin'


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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Thank you ScaredSilly and Truegritter, I appreciate it. I'm learning.

Journal:

I haven't succeeded at going fully dark. I guess I will call it 'dim'. Without S at home, I never see/talk to H - and he is LOVING vacation mode (no wife, no kid, no responsibilities) in his new apartment. Of course it doesn't hurt that this is the time period in his year that his mood goes up... I try to not worry that he will make moving out the reason he is so happy. I am trying to stop all imagined situations too.

Today I had a light conversation with H on the phone. Mainly about my business, and his projects. He gave me some good feedback on mine. We talked briefly about a movie he watched earlier in the week. Immediately after, I felt compelled to email him (one good sign always equals an open door to me) but I refrained. It is pursuing, and he clearly needs space. I wrote out an email, saved it to myself, and didn't send. I'm trying to implement a 24 hour rule of not responding. I will send a a brief thank you email in a couple of days. (words of affirmation, and I LIKE doing it) I will not include any R talk.

In my original email, I was basically giving away the game plan.... like detailing out the changes that he would 'soon' start to see. I stopped. The mystic of a OW is that there is a mystery. WHY give away the playbook to the other team? So they can expect every move and say "yup, knew you were going to react this way." Why not create a mystery around me too? I usually like things done quickly, efficiently, and on time - but after reading other people's situations, and the archives, I understand that things don't happen according to predetermined time schedules. Drop expectations.

My lessons in this seem to be:

Patience
learn to stand on my own, stop being codependent
refind myself, and accomplish MY dreams.
Live and let live regarding H. Basically cooperating with H, without aggression or hidden motives.

I also see that H:

  • Doesn't trust me. Most likely because he doesn't know how I will react. I am working on my reaction (not jump immediately to defensive mode). I did trust him until I found out about OW.
  • doesn't 'speaks' in a way I understand. I don't *hear* what he says. I need to ask more exploratory questions without pressing him when he says something.
  • says I stress him out. I'm not sure about this one yet. I have to do some experimenting on what will work and what doesn't. Usually money stresses him out, so money conversations are not good. He is not stressed when I let him be and when things just 'happen' and it's not planned. I talk too much too... lol, need to remember he is NOT my girlfriend! wink


I've also been thinking about what kind of person I would want to be. Dropping all the roles, who do I want to be and who am I?

I'm making my list.


On my personal front, I'm down another .5 lbs. I have never been able to lose weight before while trying, so I am going to take this.
I'm working on getting my house cleared out.


I found out that when I didn't do my 'to-do' list, I started to get depressed and thinking too much. That leads to bad phone calls with H.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
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LIO Offline OP
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Actually, changed my mind. No emails from me to H. Not even a thank you. While I appreciate his input, I don't particularly feel like it warrants much more than I gave it.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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Originally Posted By: LIO


My lessons in this seem to be:

Patience
learn to stand on my own, stop being codependent
refind myself, and accomplish MY dreams.
Live and let live regarding H. Basically cooperating with H, without aggression or hidden motives.



oh my gosh thank you! This post has been a revelation. I love this list especially the last one. live and let live!

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