What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Wow.....
4:30 I haven't called or emailed H all day.

H just called asked about S (who is sick) and what I'm up to. I said, 'nothing, just reading and rubbing S's feet'.

H then goes off on a tirade about how he's going to get me served today or tomorrow and that he will be printing off the paperwork and giving it to me. He's upset because he gave this to me almost 3 weeks ago and he called the court to see where the process was at and nothing has been done (I hadn't been served).
He starts in on how he would have had this all done and he could get on with his life.

I asked "what's going on today? Is there something happening at work?" and he continues on.... I just stayed quiet. When he asked "So do you want to sign the papers or do you have to be embarassed in front of other people? I will have to find someone else to serve you" I said "You are going to have to do whatever you feel is right."

He said "I don't understand why you don't want a divorce, and why you are fighting this. I'm done. Had it not been for S I would have just walked away. (I don't *think* that is true) You can't force me to be happy in this marriage. A marriage takes 2."

I said "There are a lot of reasons why I don't want to divorce. And I am not trying to force you into staying married. I understand that you aren't happy right now (H interrupts me to tell me that it's NOT JUST TODAY) Maybe one day in the future we'll look back on this and you would be happy I gave it a fight." He said "Well we'll cross that bridge when we get there." and then on and on about how BS the courts are and how hard it is to get divorced (in paperwork process). I said "Yes well when it comes to divorce, I think it should be difficult, especially when there are children involved."

He then said that he was going to get me served and wants to get on with his life and had to go (he was working at the front desk) and I said, "Ok, well have a nice rest of the day" as calmly as I could. and hung up.


HOLY CRAP>>>>>>>>
I am literally trying not to bust out crying right now. I remained calm on the phone but I'm freaking out. S is sleeping right now.... thank goodness.

So when he comes home tonight with the paperwork.... what do I do?!

[kat727]

I answered you on the other thread that you posted on. As I said there, I think it is important to keep your threads together as much as possible. You may get more traffic on a section which fits what you are going through. Do what you feel comfortable with.

kat

[LIO]

Ok what the heck....

H gets home at 10, S is still up (long nap today). As I've been told I hover, I just go upstairs, don't say a word and fold laundry while they take puppy out.

They come in watch tv and eat. I am waiting for papers that I was threatened with earlier....

Nothing.

I leave quietly to get gas in car. I planned what I would say: "H, I'm busy right now. I'm doing xyz" and then i would have walked away like he does... Basically given him no emotions anymore.

I Arrive to a darkened entry (saw the light get flipped off) and as I'm trying to shut the door, I turn around and see H pointing a "finger gun" at me which I let out a big "omg that scared me!" exclamation.

I was expecting papers.... Even then. Nothing.
He smirked, turned around went to living room and watched tv (turned around to make sure I was watching him/tv). I didn't say goodnight. I didn't go down and talk. I didn't want to engage.

I put S to bed and H asked me about the dog.

No papers... No talking.

Tomorrow I leave early for work. No calls from me, no emails (like today). I'm not even going to pick up phone if he calls... No way.

What the heck.

[kat727]

Could this be a bit of his bipolar personality? It sounds almost like a cat playing with his mouse. Don't be the mouse be a cat...aloof.

Kat

[LIO]

Possibly. I like the analogy, so I will remember that!

I am reading about detachment today.

I also have an appointment with a lawyer today just to make sure I know everything I need to. H left the serving paperwork where i could see it, but did not say anything. I don't know why I should "help" him with this as he asked. I always am the fixer. I always am the doer. I am treating this like a 180. H is mad because I am "dragging my feet.". I said that I don't want to rush into something based on emotions. I can't make good decisions doing that. H blew up and told me he was leaving for the day and that I'd have to find other arrangments for S for the day. He stormed upstairs and I let him be. H came down and I ignored him. I did get info from him that he has made a call to a counselor again. I hope they are good and he sticks with it. I am not getting more involved with that unless he says something.

I went running (part of my physical health improvement.) and took S with me on his bike. I am down another 1.5 lbs and hit my first goal. Stress diet I call it.
I am looking into some creative classes I can take. I also got a truckload of stuff donated (trying to make my eventual upcoming move easier).

Last night H finally let his dad talk to him (after 3 months of fil being here). I know that other family members shouldn't be involved, but fil has been here the entire time in the house and has front row seats and is very upset over his S, and more importantly my S.

While watching tv, H told me to sign the paperwork after I gave him a compliment and mentioned he should pursue one of his interests. I noted that.

His apartment lease is on the 15th, so just a few more days to go. I am going to keep myself busy in this time and my S will be traveling with his grandpa.


In other news, I found out that I have a lot of work to do to get this house sellable. Yikes. So I have things to do short term, but I need to start looking at my long term goals too...

Thank you for letting me talk and offering me feedback. I get too involved with naval gazing sometimes . That whole see the forest for the trees business!

[LIO]

One more thought.....
I was realizing that I live in fear... Of the future, of what's in my head, of what I imagine. I did mention to H that I have for years walked on eggshells around him when he gets moody, when he goes through his period like this, H didn't know that.

I didn't say that to get him to change.

I said it because I don't want to keep living in fear. I want to be excited about my future. That's why I need long term goals and to keep creating long term goals.

With H, I can count on ups and downs... His distractions are always my focus. That was my fault.
That is why I am working on not being reactive. I would love some resources, guidance on that.

[jbnati]

My DB coach once told me that "Fear is a powerful motivator but a terrible guide." Something to think about.

I was realizing that I live in fear... Of the future, of what's in my head, of what I imagine. I did mention to H that I have for years walked on eggshells around him when he gets moody, when he goes through his period like this, H didn't know that.

I said it because I don't want to keep living in fear. I want to be excited about my future. That's why I need long term goals and to keep creating long term goals.

You don't want to live like that, because that's no way to live. For me, I think it took some time to realize I was always walking on eggshells, afraid my W was going to drop the D bomb or leave. I think you will find a lot of freedom if you can move past that. You may discover it's definitely a life you don't want to go back to - at least that's the way it is for me.

[LIO]

Re: the fear....

I visited a lawyer today. I felt very confident after I left because while I was there, I realized. It is ME who has a handle on reality.

I don't need to be afraid if I could survive on my own, I can.
I walked in with all my paperwork. Turns out that I can refuse him serving me, and unless he takes the steps to get me served officially, the case will be dismissed in 90 more days.

Yes, 90 days is a long time that he can still serve me, and if he chooses to pursue this, I'll deal with it then. I walked in and said "I know you are in the business of divorces, but I am not. I do want to know my legal rights." It was an amazing 1.25 hours of me verifying my research, and knowledge definitely is power. I left there with not only confirmation, but concrete goals. We talked about benchmarks of H's that he could obtain (lawyer had experience with ppl like my H and if they continue down this path what it will mean to me financially and emotionally), along with what I can do regarding moving forward. We also talked about how the weather here can really affect people mentally...

I left there confident, and like I could do anything. I would be okay. This is the fist time I've stopped letting my emotions and my H's emotions persuade me into action. I CAN do this. I had said before that I should have studied law... I might look into it. It seems exciting.

I actually got more out of that visit then I did the counselor!

So my plan is while S goes out of town, I do not answer phone calls. I do not pursue. Regardless if H leaves this week, I start to prepare house for sale. I do have some studying I want to do, and without S here, it will free up my time.

No running today, but I have two workouts planned for tomorrow.

[LIO]

Happy couples I see depress me, trying hard today to not do a temp check.
He allowed me to lay on the couch with him... no angry tone, no sighs of exhasperation.. No sex allowed I guess. But no talk of D either.

No temp checks allowed. 5 days until lease of apt. Please tell me this is the right thing to do.....

[LIO]

I said hello this morning, tried to kiss his head (something he allowed several times this week before), and he asked about the paperwork. Then told me on Monday he will serve me.
So maddening. I'm probably pushing too much.

I asked for some money later today. I didn't want to, but two months of him not helping finanically, nor paying any money for kiddo is hurting a bit.

Advice needed:

Every night I sleep in our bed upstairs... Every night so far he sleeps downstairs. We own our home, but this was the year we were supposed to sell (we were on a 5 year plan to live here). We both hate the house.... So should I continue with my plan to fix and put the house up for sale this summer (with his permission), would that hurt the possibility of him coming back?

I have a tendency to rush things... He wants me to sell the home. I want to, but I also want a consistent place for s, and maybe for h to realize he should come back to... Yes I can afford it, but only if h is paying me c.s. It's tight.

I get the feeling that h is just regarding me as a formallity. Someone he can easily just go on ignoring indefinitely. Our schedules over the last 2 years lent themselves to that. It seems like he can just find a replacement activity or person for me, and focus all his energy into that instead of fixing anything with me. It's easier for him to "start over" with no strings.
Does anyone have experience with that? I'm struggling today emotionally...