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Maggie3 Offline OP
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My husband emailed me this morning that he is coming by this afternoon to cut the lawn. He wrote

Hi Maggie,

I'm going to come by today and cut the grass. It's going to rain the rest of the week and I won't be around this weekend to do it. I'll probably be there at 430 or so.

I didn't respond. I'm not going to because there is nothing to respond to. We are past our one month of not seeing each other and frankly I don't think I should have to leave the house each time he comes, which I think he assumes I will. I think he wants to avoid me to ease his own guilt. I had planned on doing yard work as well this afternoon as it is beautiful today. So I think I will just stick with that plan and be pleasant when he sees me. I'll try to look as nice as possible for doing yard work. A friend asked me to walk her dog so I think I will leave and go do after a bit. Does this sound okay?

I've gotten to the point where I am starting to feel really negatively towards him- thinking things like, do I want to even be with someone who could have done this to me and to my family?, etc. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. But then I'll get nostalgic too, and sad for him and all he is losing, which to be honest I really do believe he is losing out on a lot more than I am. I had ended an email on Friday (we emailed a few times regarding house stuff) and said something along the lines of I don't want this situation to turn us into awful people because that is not who we are. He responded something along the lines of "I agree, I will try to make this as amicable as possible" and that really p'ed me off. Almost like he was doing me a favor by being nice- as if I had done something horrible to him and he was being a nice guy by trying to be amicable. I was never anything but a loving, supportive, trustworthy, selfless partner. I realize he in his mental state needs to make me the bad guy, but that doesn't make it easier to swallow.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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This probably won't show up right away because I'm still stuck in moderation but just in case. . .

What if you weren't home at 4:30? How long does it take him to mow the lawn? Could you come home about 10 minutes before he'll be done, looking great like you just came from somewhere fun? Maybe go out and treat yourself to something or a meal/coffee with a friend so you're in a great mood when you get there? Just a thought.

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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Well- he is still being a jerk to me. I was nice to him though. He made so many snide little remarks. I wrote them down to look at them when I miss him.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Verab I wish I had seen this and done this plan instead of being home and having him seem kind of annoyed that I was there, and then be grumpy to me.

Today I got an email from his best friend, who I had been kind of upset with because he had not reached out to me (we had become very close). I had written him an email and then not sent it but felt better getting it out. Anyways- basically his friend emailed me saying he felt terrible that everything was happening and that I had become a good friend to him and that he hopes for the best for me.

I don't know if I should respond and if I do, what I should respond. He also said that he hasn't reached out because he knew this had been tough for me (which makes no sense to me).


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Feb 2012
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Maggie,

I'd suggest not responding, but if you do, just thank him for the kind thoughts and leave it at that. This guy is your H's friend. Your H will resent you if you start teaming up with his friends IMO. There is no reason to have a R with him at this point so just leave it. You wouldn't want your friends interacting with your H either I'm guessing.

And I agree with verab's idea. Try do that next time.


M:28 | W:28 | T:4.5 | M:2.5 | No Children
EA1 Uncovered: Jun 2011
EA2 Uncovered: 2011-09-29
S: 2011-09-29
I'm moving on: 2012-05-08
My story: http://bit.ly/K3ttPM
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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You are right. I'll just write thanks. I know I can not have R's with his friends but I really thought of them as mine too. I want his friends as at least allies so if at any point he starts coming around to trying again they will be encouraging.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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I emailed a high school friend that is an attorney today. I am just looking for a recommendation for someone I can consult with. I want to be informed. I also checked some books out of the library about being financially savvy during a divorce.

My H and I had filed a domestic partnership a few years back with his work. When I was finishing grad school and had to do an internship I quit my job and we did this so I could go on his insurance. Someone mentioned that this may mean that in the eyes of the state it may make our marriage longer than when we had our actual wedding, etc. Anyone know anything about this?

He makes more money than me, and has a good 401k, plus no student loans and we just paid off his car. I have a bunch of student loans and a brand new car payment with a nice huge loan (that he was going to help pay towards). Plus, when we bought our home my parents gave us a large sum of money towards the down payment, which I feel I should be entitled to when/if we sell our house. Tomorrow I am taking all of our tax info and photocopying it, just in case. Ugh.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
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Maggie I'm sorry that he acted grumpy and snide toward you! Maybe someday I'll be out of moderation when I have a good idea and it can be helpful in time! smile

I agree that a simple "Thanks, I really appreciate your email" email to H's friend would be appropriate. Not that you'd be creating an ally per se, but no one would be served if the friend thought you were a jerk for not responding.

It's good to have copies of all your financials. Even if you might not need them, I was comforted once I knew I had everything in one place. An L should be able to advise whether the domestic partnership will affect the length of your "marriage" in the eyes of your state.

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Maggie3 Offline OP
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I wrote back "Thanks, I hope you are doing well".

Since my H comes to the house when I am not home I just wanted to make sure I had copies of everything in case he takes something. I don't think he would, but then again I never thought this whole crisis would happen. His mom has been divorced 2x so I think she could advise him of things. I don't think my family has ever even used an attorney other than for home things so they can offer me no advice!

I just heard a quote I liked (on Real Housewives of all places!). "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond". I had heard that before but I guess it really resonated with its timeliness!

One of my friends from childhood (who went through something very similar a few years ago) invited me to go to a concert with him and some of his single coworkers on Saturday. If my H is ready to start dating well then I am ready to start flirting (though not really ready to meet anyone).


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Just got home from counseling. My counselor said again that she believes my husband just doesn't want to be married and it's not really because of me. She said the stress email kind of points that out. She said she has seen this same situation twice before. So crazy.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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