Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?

[sandi2]

"We are entering a more overtly antagonistic period now"

Indeed you are!

"I just wanted to plant the idea, if at all possible, that my deepest desire is to give her space and give our relationship the best chance of improving."

Shall I tell you how she feels about it? Mind you, I don't have the elegant writing skills that you do, but I know a little about the heart of a WAW.

"Maybe something did catch, and while she is away at her cousin's wedding, she can think about it."

I doubt very much that you planted anything more than extreme contempt.

"I don't plan on bringing it up again for at least a month. I'm going to be quiet."

Impossible!

[AlwaysTrying]

Sandi, do you think I would have been better off saying, "You leave me no options. Because of your choice I must X, Y, and Z" and leave out the idea that I don't want things to go this way?

Should I not be living at home now? Should I not be fighting for custody of my kids?

Should I have just taken these actions without saying anything? Moving home was going to elicit extreme contempt no matter what. I'm just not sure what I should have done differently or how.

"I don't plan on bringing it up again for at least a month. I'm going to be quiet."

Impossible!

That's exactly what W thinks. She thinks I can't leave her alone. Now I can. I won't bring it up for at least 4 weeks. And maybe not then either.

This idea of whether I try to win custody of my kids or let my W walk all over me in the hope that I can win back her heart has split me in two, paralyzed me, and driven me crazy.

Right now, she's probably with OM down in FLA, crying her heart out. I know she brought the bracelets he bought her down with her. But I'm not asking and I'm not texting. I know she's let him make decisions for her in the past and that makes me really sad - that she'd rather trust his judgement than her own, and that he is looking forward to getting back into her pants. He places very little value on marriage. bah. whatever.

I stopped by the house earlier to drop off D15. W was in her room packing for the trip crying her eyes out. D asked what was wrong. "Everything".

Agreed.


I locked the doors of the house from the inside tonight. W is out there somewhere and my kids are under my roof with me. This feels right.

I'm still all for my kids having their parents' marriage intact. I feel I can LRT at this point, and maybe we'll work something out after divorce, in a year or two or whatever. Or we'll just move on.

I have IC tomorrow. She met privately with W last week. She is very pro-marriage, so if she has any ideas on how to avoid divorce, I'll be all ears. W and I meet together with that C on Monday night.

[AlwaysTrying]

"We are entering a more overtly antagonistic period now"

Indeed you are!

Do you think that I'm doing anything unreasonable to antagonize my wife?

[labug]

Do you think that I'm doing anything unreasonable to antagonize my wife?

Yes, you keep talking to her.

You've said everything, she's heard it.

Now it's up to her and that's the hard part.

Let it be.

[AlwaysTrying]

Yes, you keep talking to her.

You've said everything, she's heard it.

Now it's up to her and that's the hard part.

Let it be.

I hadn't really thought of that talk as antagonizing. Maybe I need to think about it differently. In any case, I am now in the right place emotionally to LRT completely with no more apologies.

I hadn't really made up my mind whether to move back. Perhaps I should have decided first, because really it was always conditional on whether she participated in any sort of improvement in the relationship, with the minimum level of participation being putting the divorce on hold and showing up to MC every once in a while to talk about what is or is not working. Maybe the talk should have been more like, "You have made your choice clear to me and have invested zero energy into improving this marriage even a little bit. I have to take care of myself and my kids. I'm moving back into the house on Tuesday. If there is some sort of change of behavior on your part, I'll consider other options."

Ha. I tried to make a joke to lighten things up about 2/3 through the call. I said, "If it were up to me to rearrange the alphabet, I and U would remain distant from each other until such a time that U felt comfortable changing that relationship." She didn't laught. 3 minutes later, she was spitting bile, calling me an a-hole, a liar (does she know that is a button for me?), distorting reality, and... I wish I could remember what she said before she hung up on me.

But now it is up to her. I've let go, and I will be OK with whatever happens. Which probably means we have the best chance ever of making progress. But I'm done making excuses and concessions for her.

I'll be nice. I'll accept whatever she has to say. I'll keep my distance. I'll give me money a crap-ton of money ( :-( ) and I will try to DB my best every day for the next year or so and wait and see what happens.

I'll have what is important to me - the best relationship with my kids that is possible and the knowledge that I did whatever I was able to do (accepting that other people would have detached sooner and done better) to save my marriage, my family, and fight for my children. I can fail at this and still be proud of myself.

[AlwaysTrying]

What?

** I'll give my lawyer a crap-ton of money.

Also, I actually said "U and I would remain distant" so it sounded more grammatically correct but I wrote it down wrong. It bothers me that "I would put U and I together" is wrong. "I would put U and me together" is right but not funny.

[AlwaysTrying]

I'm reading robx's thread now. Good story:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1695484&page=1

[AlwaysTrying]

Sunday, I would like to send a message to WAW. You all know that I need some help in knowing what *not* to say, so I would like to present a draft here. I would appreciate anyone's opinion.

W, I know you are concerned that my moving back into the house may be confusing or disruptive to the kids, so we should probably be right upfront about it with them. I know you'd rather not upset the status quo, but the status quo is not acceptable to me. The kids are not going to be disappointed to see their dad more often. I think we should set the kids down and say, "Kids, Mommy and Daddy both love you very, very much and we always will. Dad and Mom are still having trouble getting along. We would both like to see you each every day, and we wish that we could, but Mom and Dad can't always be together. Daddy will be staying at the house for now, sleeping in the attic like I do sometimes, and Mommy will be looking for a new house to live in. When Mommy finds a new house, you both will spend some of your time here at Daddy's house, and some of your time at Mommy's house. You will get days to be here and days to be at Mommy's, but we don't know the schedule yet." Your input is appreciated.

The parts in italics are words that I have a sense that I should leave out or express differently. I'm not really sure about the rest either.

Any help?

[AlwaysTrying]

Oh, and after "The kids are not going to be disappointed to see their dad more often.", I meant to say, "The kids will be disappointed to see less of both of us in the future, but that is your choice, not mine."

Except I can see how that is antagonistic. But it's true!

[labug]

Up there^^^you say this: But now it is up to her. I've let go, and I will be OK with whatever happens. Which probably means we have the best chance ever of making progress. But I'm done making excuses and concessions for her.

I'll be nice. I'll accept whatever she has to say. I'll keep my distance. I'll give me money a crap-ton of money ( :-( ) and I will try to DB my best every day for the next year or so and wait and see what happens

Now you say this: Sunday, I would like to send a message to WAW.

You are all over the place, no wonder your W can't believe you.

You need to stop and think and not talk try it for a day.

And then another day

and then another day