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#2241329 - 04/28/12 03:11 AM He's lost that lovin' feelin'
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
Hi to all! I want to post my sitch and get some advice. My H is in a MLC I believe. His only sister died in '07 leaving his widowed mother and her D6. My MIL and niece then lived with us six months. My MIL detests me and combined with the grief it didn't work out well. My H had to ask her to leave. In '08 H woke up one day and said (to himself) "I don't want to do this any more (live in the country, homeschool, be married, go to church, etc.). He didn't tell ME but over the next years H unraveled little by little. In '11 he started doing activities on his own which he hadn't done previously--staying out in the evening later occasionally. Then came the longer hair, motorcycle, red convertible sports car, younger clothes, serious bodybuilding, etc. He is 44 years old.

Last fall, he seemed to become more and more emotionally distant. By Feb'12 we both agreed on a three-month trial separation starting in March. I agreed to it as I knew he needed the space, but had no idea how hard it would be. I'm a SAHM, homeschool our S18 and S12. We have no debt -- everything including house is paid off.

Its been one month he's been in the furnished apartment. We see each other twice a week, ML regularly --it's awesome, and he takes care of things that break around the house. When together, we look like long time lovers / friends. We hold hands & put our hands freely on one another, for the most part.

I have been through anguish -- which is why I found this site. I have the DB book and am trying the LRT, although I stumble sometimes. He said yesterday that he isn't sure three months is long enough. I don't have any reason to suspect an A and he says there is none. He spends most evenings drinking with a new group of friends, none of which I have met, and several are girls. His mother is pressuring him to get a divorce although she doesn't live locally.

The problem is, he "fell out of love" with me and is trying to get the feeling back but doesn't have it. He said if he wanted a divorce we would be talking that and not separation. He doesn't want MC or to work on our marriage. He calls or texts me usually twice a day--sometimes we flirt. What should I do?
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2241583 - 04/29/12 05:40 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5187
Welcome to the board.

MLC is a very long hard road.
Are you ready for the challenge?

He is asking for SPACE, give it to him.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he say and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2241654 - 04/30/12 02:38 AM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: Cadet]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
Thanks, Cadet. I find that very encouraging.

I spent 5 hours with H today at HP & we did lunch. We ML twice (he initiated) and I gave him a very sensual massage. He seems very excited about me, but when we are very close like that, he usually withdraws emotionally for the next couple of days.

I encouraged him about seeing "healing" in him and he said "but I just don't know what the next step is". I said things were going well now, he'll know when it comes time for the next step. Sound okay?
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2242517 - 05/03/12 10:49 AM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5187
Sorry but you are still very early into this, enjoy the good times and let go of the bad ones.
Let him control the contact.
Unfortunately things usually get worse before they get better.
Read up on depression, and keep posting so hopefully you will get off of moderation.

You can not control him or his MLC.
It is his to make through and you are along for the ride.
Try to stay off the rollercoaster because it might make you sick.

Hope that helps.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2242643 - 05/03/12 07:00 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: Cadet]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
Wonderful post Cadet. I am taking your post to heart today.
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2242691 - 05/03/12 09:54 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: LIO]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
It's so hard to believe sometimes this man you thought you knew so well, isn't going to "snap out of it" tomorrow. He's taking the partying drug. And he is such a mild mannered, kind man full of integrity.

Sometimes it's so easy to forget to control what I say! Two days ago we met at a bike shop to buy a new bike for our S12. It all went great & he came back to our home but he looks so -- dazed & disconnected here. He fixed a dirt bike tire & looked around and said "what else is broken?" I said, "there's something else broken you can fix." He said, "what?" I said "me!" I'm so ashamed I said that! It kinda slipped out!

Other than that huge faux pas, I'm able to be happy and cheerful when he calls and texts me which is 1-2 times a day. I always wait for him to initiate. But it tears me up when he's out drinking and partying in the evening. So hard to let go!

When he left our home that evening, he looked about and remarked how peaceful it is (20 acres in a country setting). He looks so wistful but he goes back to his city apartment, 45 minutes away.
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2242896 - 05/04/12 04:41 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
One thing that is tripping me up right now is FaceBook. The people my H drinks with love to put locations and photos of drinking and dancing activities. I seem to be addicted to late at night checking my phone for the progress of where and who my husband is with. It makes me tired the next day and frustrated at him (I don't say anything to him about it...but it's inside me) for doing these things.

I know mentally it's not helping me. I wonder about girls putting up pics of themselves on FaceBook with married men, do they do it to make me jealous? Is it just what everybody does these days?

It frustrates me that I'm holding our home together, (SAHM) and he is out partying! One of my girlfriends said...he's in the best shape of his life (bodybuilding), has lots of cash and every night is free. Why would he leave that lifestyle?
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2243065 - 05/05/12 12:46 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
The interesting thing about H saying it's so peaceful here, is, that during that moment it wasn't! An oil rig has been erected directly next to our property and temporarily is making a LOT of noise 24/7. the wind was blowing 20-25 mph. But my husband sees it as peaceful here.

It reminded me that we see our circumstances from our feelings -- not from what is actually going on. A good object lesson,

I'm very happy he sees our place as peaceful. I wish I always felt that way in my heart! But this DB forum is helping. Thank you to all!
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2243099 - 05/05/12 03:42 PM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
I was thinking about how it was when H & I were first together. He moved in with me and my 2 1/2 year old son (I had never been married) into my rented condo. Things became routine. My career was going well (I have since become a SAHM) and I wanted to move things along. It was clear he wasn't ready for marriage so I bought a townhouse in my name only. We acted as if it was "ours" of course as it was being built and then moved in it together. Somewhere less than a year later he asked me to marry him.

I was trying to correlate this to today. Somehow I think H won't progress and heal until I do. After reading some of the success stories on this website I realize the journey is as much mine as it is his. It's just these powerful emotions get in the way sometimes! How do I handle them? (mostly sadness and pity for myself as well as desire to control H's actions)
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
#2243524 - 05/08/12 02:20 AM Re: He's lost that lovin' feelin' [Re: reachingHigher]
reachingHigher Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/12
Posts: 1680
Loc: Southwest US
H admitted to me last night he is not interested in any one specific girl! I'm sure he enjoys the attention of lots of girls. Scary from my perspective, but completely normal, I'm sure. I still don't have reason to suspect A.

He said he isn't ready to commit fully to the partying lifestyle, but neither is he ready to come home (6 weeks separated). At least I don't feel we are currently headed for D. I need patience, warm and loving kindness, & a non-judgmental attitude for him in his MLC.

Today I visited him for an hour before my cake decorating class (new hobby for me). I initiated the visit, just got the vibes it was what he wanted. I made it sound like the visit was just part of my busy day -- not the main thing. It was very rewarding, we just cuddled on the couch for an hour. He did most of the talking. Mostly about what he's been doing & wants to do. I found it very productive for our relationship & I was the perfect little DB'er!
_________________________
Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway

Top
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