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#2241956 - 05/01/12 01:07 PM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: Use to be]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11163
I think calling you stubborn is very appropriate because you want a quick list of things to do to get your wife back quickly. You have to understand that it will take alot of time and patience to do this.

I don't know how many times I can say this to you. You start being a good father and show your wife you are responsible and that will bring her back.

What you're looking for is someone telling you exactly what to do. No one can do that! Every situation is different but the thing that they all have in common is that you have to back off from your wife and give her space!

Okay, you want steps? Here they are:

1) Leave your wife alone
2) Start spending time with your son ALONE.
3) Write a list of all the things that your wife complained about you. A detailed list.
4) Then write a list of all the things that you will do to correct those things your wife complained about.
5) Get a new haircut and a change in clothes. You have to change both outside and inside.
6) While you are making your changes, don't tell your wife you are making these changes. These changes have to be for yourself. If you keep telling her you're changing and expecting her to notice, she won't believe that your changes are real.

So first things first.

Write your list here. What did your wife complain about you? Make it as detailed as possible.

Next, tell me exactly what you've done to spend more time with your son.

Then write down exactly what your latest interaction has been with your wife.

I really am trying to help you and if you haven't noticed, I think the other people who are on here are scared to answer you because you have to do what we suggest even though you don't understand it.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2242200 - 05/02/12 03:05 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
MrBond, thanks. I know that you are helping and that is why I am still in this thread.

As you have mentioned, she need space. I will try not to beg, plead, encourage talk to about our relationship anymore. I really need lot of support to do this.

Also thanks for giving me those "Steps" below are my reply.

1)I will try to leave her alone.

2)I am spending time with my boy during one of the weekend. I still can't do it alone because she don't allow me yet. She only let me bring him back when my mum accompany me.

3)Below is the list of her complaints about me
-She told me I am always nagging at her for her Job and don't allow her to work late.

-She say she was not even allow to watch VCD because I am always seeking for her attention.

-She complain that I don't allow her to go out with colleagues.

-She told me she feel like a single parent.

-She complain that I let her do most of the thing. Example keep track of our bills (I settle by paying some of it)

below are the complaints I got to know when she file for a divorce.

a) The plaintiff avers that the defendant's unreasonable behaviour began after the child of the marriage was born, in Feb 2011. The defendant failed and/or neglected to look after or be involved in the daily life of the child of the marriage, GR. He would not wake up for any of the night feeds and hardly paid attention to the needs of the child. The plaintiff avers that she alone manages the needs of the child including overseeing the child's medical appointments, health and general well being.

b) The plaintiff also avers that the defendant frequently priorities his own needs over the child's. The defendant refuses to wake earlier in the morning to look after the child and becomes upset when the child's crying wakes him from his sleep. This has caused the plaintiff much unhappiness as the defendant refuses to share the responsibility of looking after the child with her and she is left to look after the child without any support from the defendant.

c) There were also numerous disagreements between the plaintiff and the defendant over how the child should be cared for and the management of the household. In particular, the plaintiff and the defendant are unable to agree on the division of household chores, the frequency and method in which certain household chores should be done and the manner in which the child should be raised.

d) when the plaintiff return to work on 28 May 2011 after her maternity leave, the defendant would frequently scold the plaintiff for not spending enough time with him and he began to demand for more attention from the plaintiff,despite the fact that she had to look after a newborn baby while managing a heavy workload. The defendant would also frequently berate the plaintiff for not spending as much time with him as she did before the child was born.

e) The defendant would require the plaintiff keep herself free over the weekend to spend time with him. While the plaintiff acceded to the defendant's requests and keep herself available to spend time with the defendant over the weekend, the defendant would prefer to engage in his own activities such as watching soccer matches, surfing the internet or playing soccer on Saturady instead of spending time with the plaintiff.

f)The defendant would be unhappy when the plaintiff wanted to meet with her own friends once a month or so. He would become overly suspicious and require the names of the friends the plaintiff was meeting. the defendant would also demand that the plaintiff promise to return home early. Further, the defendant would be unhappy when the plaintiff spent time at work or with her colleagues.

To me, there are many misunderstanding above but I don't think I should discuss it here anymore since according to DR, I have to make changes so I will not argue on the above point.

4) As for the list I will have done:

- If she were to come back, the first 3 point on the list I will stop the nagging at her job. I may even make her hot beverage if she were to work late. She can go out with her colleague as long as she let me know that she is safe and she can watch all the VCD she want. I may even accompany her to watch certain show.

- on the part when she feel like a single parent. I am not involve previously for certain reason. But I know I am able to help up in raising the kid. So I will not let her feel like a single parent again.

- I take things for granted and let her keep track of all our bills. If she were to be back, I will track my personal bills

5) Do I really have to do that? Change the outside too?

6) I will not tell her that I have changed but since we are separated and she do not want to meet me at all, how can she notice the changes? I don't even have a slighter chance to see her because whenever I went to pick up my boy, she was never around.

Next I would like to tell you how have I spend my time with my boy.

As my boy is only 1 year old and have been taken care by my Mother in Law since birth, my wife never trust me in taking care of him.

After separation, since early march I was allow to bring my boy back on Sunday for few hours. (between 12pm - 6pm) I will spend about 5 plus hour with him

The time was fix this way because they prefer to let him have his meal before noon and I have to bring him back before dinner.

So during this few hours, my time spend with him will be.

-I bring him outside our house and let him play with his mini cooper battery operated car (I bought for him during his 1st birthday)

-I changes him and make him clean

-At home, I play toys with him and taught him how to read books. I also use my ipad to download kids education software and teach him along.

-I fed him milk around 2.30pm and make him sleep around 3pm.

- when he wakes up about 5pm, I will change him and prepare to bring him back to in law places.

My current plan is to ask for more time to be with GR. So I am thinking to ask my wife whether I can start cooking for him. If I know how to cook for him, GR can stay with me longer and may have a night stay with me. But these have to be plan properly else it may back fire (remember there is still my father in law who is always giving negative input?)

As for my last interaction with my wife, it is always about GR. It either what time will you bring GR to your place, what time you bring him back or it his feeding time. However there is once where i start the conversion and ask her if we can bring GR for a swim. She seem keen and we discuss what time to bring him there, buy the float for him and so on. But When I asked can we bring him there together, she keep quiet and avoid the topic.

Recently my boy grow some pimple like things on his forehead, so we have some discussion there to.

After your reply previously, I rework my goals and it has somewhat become something like that

Positively stated
1) Be the best dad for GR
2) Target to make her feel more relax about me
3) Stay in the married

Action oriental and break into smaller part
1) -I teach him read books, play and interact with him.
-target to cook for GR so I can spend longer time with him
-target to have at least a over night stay with GR

2) -I will let her know I am not taking the kid away from her but just want to spend more time with my boy.
- Not going to bring up relationship issue/ Divorce issue. (but I am defending against the divorce here and according to my lawyer, the case maybe take 5 - 8 mths)
-If there is time for jokes, I will share it with her.
-when ask question, try to be open ended.
- invite her for the "Dad time" if possible.
- Send her picture or video clip of me and GR having great time together.

3) On remain marriage
- I do not have any idea here how to proceed yet.

So MrBond, the above are my current plan.

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#2242222 - 05/02/12 05:06 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: Use to be]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11163
Okay this is a very good list.

I'll try to take things point by point.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2242223 - 05/02/12 05:07 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11163
"I am not involve previously for certain reason."

What was the reason that you weren't involved before?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2242224 - 05/02/12 05:08 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
Thanks MrBond.

I just go to see my son during lunch time at in law place. I only spend 20min there. I see my son grow up bit by bit but I felt really miserable.

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#2242226 - 05/02/12 05:17 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: Use to be]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11163
Also, are you the jealous type? Is that why you didn't allow her to go out with her friends? Do you have friends to go out with?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2242227 - 05/02/12 05:20 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
Ok since you asked, I will explain.

My wife is someone who love my boy too much that I can handle.
She buy things for him (toys/shirt/etc), she plan things for him (insurance)

What led me not to be involve is ok of her expectation. Our boy GR wakes up in the morning. First thing in the morning is to bring him to the toilet and let him "poo".

Then she will bath him. After let him play around, before 11am he will take a short nap and when he wakes up before 12pm, she will feed him. Then after we will bring him out for shopping. Before 3pm we have to bring him back because he needs a afternoon nap.

After nap, he wakes up, we play with him and he have his dinner at around 6pm. Follow by some activities with him and he go to sleep before 9pm.

In between the night, he will wake up for night feed.

I was never involve for 2 reason.
1)I dislike the routinue set.
2) If i do things wrongly (not her way)I will receive some nagging from her. I am trying to avoid the nagging too.

I know i take things for granted but I just hate the nag like she hate my too.

Just a few example which i see from my in law place.
1) She bought a baby spoon for her mother to feed GR but her mum forget and use the adult spoon to feed him, she was unhappy.

2) Whenever GR have Mosqito bite, she will scream at her mum. you must apply this for him before going anywhere.

these are just few example.

Originally Posted By: MrBond
"I am not involve previously for certain reason."

What was the reason that you weren't involved before?

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#2242228 - 05/02/12 05:22 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
No, I am not jealous type. That is the misunderstanding here. I never don't allow her to go out with her friends. I just hope that when she is out, she is safe. When she is out till past 12am, I get worry about her.

Originally Posted By: MrBond
Also, are you the jealous type? Is that why you didn't allow her to go out with her friends? Do you have friends to go out with?

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#2242230 - 05/02/12 05:23 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 11163
No. In the court case it says that you didn't spend time with your son or help before.

Why didn't you do that before?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2242231 - 05/02/12 05:29 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
I would say, I do help but not that much as per what my reason have stated. Don't want to get nag or do wrong things and get blame

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