A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.

DIVORCE BUSTING COACHING SPECIAL TODAY ONLY!
PURCHASE 3 OR MORE COACHING SESSIONS AND SAVE $30.
CALL Cristy at 303-444-7004 to take advantage of this special discount.



Page 5 of 9 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >
Topic Options
#2240504 - 04/24/12 10:36 PM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: MrBond]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Does your W have interaction with this friend of yours?


Yes, but very little now, at the time he was stopping by almost everyday to hang out with me after work. I do a lot of really cool car projects as a hobby. I explained to him that w and I were having problems and needed some time without him around to work on our marriage.

I was really way to trusting, instead of speaking up when it seemed inappropriate I just let the resentment stew inside and eventually blew a gasket. I would say about 2 weeks later the bomb hit.

I'm 42 and this friend of mine was 26 and looks up to my w and I more like his parents.

I really don't know but she started getting really secretive about her phone which was bothering me. I never snooped on her phone but boy did I want too.

My w was the one that asked to go to marriage counseling and the first few sessions were really hard. It really seemed as though she had made up her mind that I was the problem but we worked through everything and I'm really looking for us to be best friends again, seems as though she didn't feel loved and I felt like I was just an ATM machine for everything. Lots of resentment on both of us. No fighting is still no communication.

You must figure out what makes your w/h tick or your destined to failure.

Shaky
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

Top
#2240509 - 04/24/12 10:54 PM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11467
I hope you come back, b/c I'm concerned about a couple of things. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to hear the two of you are still together, but if she has any contact with your friend, whatsoever, the marriage is not on solid ground. You said a mouthful when you said this infatuation is addictive!! Also, don,t be so fast to give that friend a free pass. Even if he is completely innocent (what does she say about it?) he needs to stay away from both of you. How long has it been since her last contact (seeing him from a distance, or with you counts).

Have you talked to your friend? Did he tell you he was just trying to be nice.......or is more that you just can't believe he would come on to your wife?

Not having sex not always mean there is an affair, but (unless there is a physical problem), it does mean something is seriously wrong in the relationship. So my next question would be.....is she having sex with you? Is she kissing you passionately?
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
#2240524 - 04/25/12 12:41 AM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: sandi2]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.


Have you talked to your friend? Did he tell you he was just trying to be nice.......or is more that you just can't believe he would come on to your wife?

Yes I have talked to my friend. He said he was talking to my wife about his girl problems to get a women's perspective. Guy's suck at reading women, end of story. [/color]

Not having sex not always mean there is an affair, but (unless there is a physical problem), it does mean something is seriously wrong in the relationship. So my next question would be.....is she having sex with you? Is she kissing you passionately?

Yes she is back to kissing me passionately, oral and having sex. I will be honest and say the sex part has only been recently. We have been going very slow to rebuild the relationship. I let her set the pace and would only reciprocate. We had a few weeks of passionate kissing, touching, back rubs, etc before any sex. After approx. 9 months this last Sunday she asked me if I was ready to make love to her and was so caught off guard that I actually said no. It was easier to just remind myself it wasn't going to happen. It was really intense in a good way.

I'm going to try and let her set the pace for now and see where that goes. Ideally once a week would be great but every other week is fine. [color:#000066]


[/quote]
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

Top
#2240525 - 04/25/12 12:46 AM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Sorry Sandi I still can't seem to get the quoting thing right. I will keep working on it.

I will try preview mode next, lol.
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

Top
#2240611 - 04/25/12 10:53 AM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11467
I'm so glad you wrote back. It it vital that she not be around OM b/c that will cause her feelings to stay confused about you. He doesn't need to talk to her or go to the house to see either of you. If he's really a friend, he will agree to do this.

Do you feel the MC has contributed to things being where they are now?
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
#2240654 - 04/25/12 03:30 PM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: sandi2]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
This little EA she had was really short lived and only a small part of what happened back in August. I felt it got inappropriate when they were watching movies pretty late on worknights. I get up early so I would go to bed. My issue was not speaking up. When I did, sh!t hit the fan.

My wife was going through more of a MLC. Identity crisis, new job 3 years ago, much more stress. She didn't feel loved and didn't speak up about it until MC.

Yes, MC has helped us communicate much better. She is on board to keep working on the marriage.

I really don't agree that my friend can't be around. He is a 27 year old guy. He isn't interested in my 41 year old wife. He dates young girls.

It's kinda like if you asked me would I be interested in a 25 year old. Well yeah she looks great but that's where it ends. Nothing really in common.

Obviously I'm the one going through this whole ordeal, its been crazy but Jeff isn't the problem.

Shaky
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

Top
#2240658 - 04/25/12 03:39 PM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
gr8 day 2B alive Offline
Member

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 1544
Loc: Philly Burbs
Quote:
I really don't agree that my friend can't be around. He is a 27 year old guy. He isn't interested in my 41 year old wife. He dates young girls.


All it takes is for some other guy to validate her feelings and just listen to her and there could be an attraction, regardless if HE says otherwise.
Be very cautious. Age is just a number, my ex has gone out with a 24YO, she is 36.
You have been warned.
_________________________
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12
Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life!
“Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."

Top
#2240669 - 04/25/12 03:59 PM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: gr8 day 2B alive]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Quote:
I really don't agree that my friend can't be around. He is a 27 year old guy. He isn't interested in my 41 year old wife. He dates young girls.


All it takes is for some other guy to validate her feelings and just listen to her and there could be an attraction, regardless if HE says otherwise.
Be very cautious. Age is just a number, my ex has gone out with a 24YO, she is 36.
You have been warned.

I get it but I'm that guy, I wasn't 9 months ago but I get it now. I've been with my wife a long time, relationships all have their ups and downs. It has been a huge eye opener working through this sitch and each day is better so I'm comfortable where I'm at.
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

Top
#2240782 - 04/25/12 11:25 PM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11467
Just trying to warn you, shaky. I have known at least four women who hooked up with men half their age. Age has nothing to do with it.

The fact you are calling this a little ea, and thinking it won't hurt to let the younger man come over.....is you sticking your head in the sand. They will keep things covered up better from now on. She might even have good intentions right now, but she's "addicted" and in spite of what things appear, she has not had enough time to really be strong enough for you to let down your guard so quickly and invite trouble to come back into your home.

I hope you are right......but is it worth the gamble?
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

Top
#2240801 - 04/26/12 12:44 AM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: sandi2]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
I've been following this discussion with some interest. Here's my opinion for what its worth. To some degree, not banishing OM is a show of strength and high value. Shaky believes his changes are significant enough and their communication is improved enough that he chooses to trust his wife and let the cards fall where they may.

Banishing OM is like snooping, its playing defensively and to some degree controlling. If he needs to continue to worry, then he's not doing the things he needs to do to ensure he's the best H possible.

I thought about making sure that W would have no contact with OM through any number of means. Where I landed, however, is that I can't control that and trying to monitor it will make me nuts and put me in a one-down position.

I would rather operate from a position of high value, know that I'm being the best husband and father I can be, and not worry about it. If she does it again I will eventually find out and I'm gone, simple as that, and I will not be inclined to be amicable through divorce.

From my perspective, it is Shaky's wife's responsibility to declare no contact or ask OM to stay away, and ideally she would do that out of respect for Shaky.

Maybe I'm being naive, but it has helped me to find peace. My attitude is "W you make your choices and then I will make mine"

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014
Divorced 8/2014

Top
Page 5 of 9 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004