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#2207695 - 12/24/11 07:18 AM Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: dbmod]
mmayre16 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/17/11
Posts: 295
Hi, Shaky! Sorry you have to be here, but in a crappy situation, this is a great place to call home. It sounds like you are really taking the right steps. You were asking about literature. In addition to Divorce Remedy and the 5 Love Languages, I also really liked His Needs Her Needs (although it could be construed as a little sexist at some points). But I liked it because it has little surveys you fill out that not only help you learn about your spouse, but learn about yourself too (like, I'm physically attracted to my H, but in the grand scheme of things, that is least important to me, which I never realized). And if you go to his website, there's a LOT of free info on there. Also, just for your own mental nourishment, I liked The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama.

I think the thing you need to keep in mind is patience is key. It is more than just a virtue in this f-ed up game, it's a necessity.

Also, MWD outlines that you should take careful behavioral observations and write it all down. As a behaviorist, this is how we determine if our "treatment" is working. We have to write down measurable behaviors. You can't measure feelings (i.e. don't write down "She was happy today". You don't know that. You aren't in her head). BUT, you can write down things that you pointed out like, "kisses me goodnight" or "said 'I love you' 3 times today". After you track it for a while, you may see the pattern of behavior change (like going from 3 ILYs to 6 ILYs). When you figure out what you want to increase and how you can contribute to that, you will feel like you have a little more control on this rollercoaster. At least it did for me.

That's all for now! Hope it helps! You sound like you're doing all the right stuff.
_________________________
Me: 29
H: 31
D: 2
M: 5 years
T: 10 years
ILYBNILWY 2/28/11
I ask for trial separation: 6/3/11
H wants me home: 11/21/11
Found OW emails from 3/11: 3/12
Found pictures from 3/11: 9/12

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#2207704 - 12/24/11 08:26 AM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10949
JMO, Shaky, but I don't like the Love Dare at all. It seems too pursuing. That's the last thing your W wants now. Which leads me to the next thing....as for you making a date with her.....I don't suggest you do that right now. She isn't feeling turned on to you, and a date isn't going to fix it. If you want to know what will....find the man she fell in love with, and start with that.

Unless your W really wants to remain in the M, I don't know if seeing the MC together works well. Sometimes, that just becomes the field to have battles.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2207715 - 12/24/11 09:08 AM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: sandi2]
Hopeful321 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/18/11
Posts: 385
Loc: FL
I agree with Sandi2 about everything. I enjoyed the movie "Fireproof" and but if you read the book, it is pursuing.

As far as a date, I agree with Sandi2, it's too soon. I know if it was me, it would be.

As far as MC together, it did not work so well with me and my H. Before we would go in, we laughing and kissing, but when we came out, we would not talk to each other the rest of the night. I believe the MC destroyed us even more. But IC helped me alot.
_________________________
H: 45
W: 44
D: 2 1/2
S: 20 (college) My 20 & 19 yrs old are from my 1st marriage
S: 19 (college
D: 19 (college)

M: 3
H: Bomb #1 6-2010
H: Bomb #2 7-2011
H: Separated: 7-11-11
Reconciling 2-2012

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#2207744 - 12/24/11 11:32 AM Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: dbmod]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Originally Posted By: dbmod
Good job! You are doing something RIGHT!


So, she would not only need to be complimented but if you are critical, it will have more of an impact on her than other folks. Keep the positive to negative ratio very high.


Keep up the good work!


[color:#FF6666][/color]Yes, she has always struggled with her weight and I know in the past I have been critical about it at times.

I have always had an easy time maintaining an average weight. Have always stayed active and watch what I eat.

She has worked really hard for the last 6 months and she looks great.

Only positive comments, no more negative one's spewing from my mouth.
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2207757 - 12/24/11 01:02 PM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Hopeful321]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10949
Quote:
Before we would go in, we laughing and kissing, but when we came out, we would not talk to each other the rest of the night. I believe the MC destroyed us even more.


I think this is true in many cases, b/c in the session unpleasant issues are brought up and not worked out. The couple leaves worse than when they went in.

Shaky, I'm not totally knocking the concept of marriage counseling, but if you have a spouse that's thinking seriously about walking....I would not advise seeing one together. I think seeing a pro-marriage counselor separately would work better. And Shaky, if you've admitted it or not, you do have a wife that is thinking about walking away from you and the M. She probably hasn't used those words to you yet, but as soon as the holidays are past, you need to brace yourself.

Sorry to lay this on you right here on Christmas Eve. But the sooner you get the right information as what to do and not do....the better.

Right now, don't try to give her physical affection. Don't try to be romantic. Don't try to get holiday sex. smirk You know what I'm talking about!

Act as upbeat and as fun as you possible can....(and you'll find out you're stronger than you thought). She'll relax more if you seem to be content and not hinting at having sex or time alone with her after everyone has gone and the kids are in bed. That's not what she wants and she'll stay as clear from you as she can if you even look at her with those thoughts in your head. So, are we clear about the sex part?
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2208058 - 12/26/11 12:20 PM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: sandi2]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Sandi-

What is Love Dare? My w is the one that suggested marriage counseling.

The marriage counselor is the one that suggested a one on one date and my w agreed she would like that, just haven't had time with all the holiday stuff going on. W said it would be nice if I planned something without her input.

I agree with you about being romantic. I already told w in a counseling session that I would not pursue her for sex, she would have to pursue me. The counselor is the one trying to push w for intimacy, not me. I'm just acting like she is a good friend with no benefits at the moment.

I'm going to set up a one on one with our counselor and see if that gives me more info to work with.
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2209621 - 01/01/12 05:14 PM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Happy New Year everyone. 2012 has to be a better year, lol.

I dropped my kids off at my sister's place yesterday about 3:30, they received a cake pop baking set from her for Christmas.

My wife went to happy hour with a girlfriend about 1 and then we were meeting my parents, my sister/brother in law back at her place for dinner at around 6:30.

As I was driving back to my place I get a call from my wife asking me to meet her and her friend for a drink. I thought it was strange but a good sign and said ok.

Had to stop by my place to shower, get dressed up, etc. When I found them in the bar my wife looked really amazing all dressed up. I wasn't home when she was getting ready. Her friend noticed I was wearing a new button up shirt and complimented me on it. I had a couple beers and they tried to get me to do a shot but said no thanks. Hard alcohol always gets me in trouble so I have cut it down a lot. Only had a few beers the whole night.

So something wife did she hasn't done in a long time, while at the bar she took a picture of her and I and posted on facebook. I can feel the ice thawing and really like it.

Don't want this update to get to long so we went back to my sisters house for an excellent dinner and stopped by our friends place for a couple hours overall had a great night with the wife and best thing is she really seemed to enjoy the night as well.
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2210348 - 01/04/12 04:07 PM Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Not much has changed, just living like roommates.

I need to try something else. I've been in this limbo since August and I can feel the resentment taking over. How long do I wait?

I really want to detach more to save my sanity but I'm not sure if it is the right thing to do.

I feel I have been patient but not sure if I can keep living like this.

If I had a spare bedroom in my house I would just move into that but its not an option and I'm not sleeping on the couch.

What is going on with her? Why does she feel this way? Why does she not want to be with me physically?
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2210354 - 01/04/12 04:29 PM Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: dbmod]
penster Offline
New Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 12
Hi, I have the same sitch with my H I think it's good that you spend to time with your kids but it won't fix the problems with your W. Ignoring her and putting energies elsewhere will just make her feel more justified in pulling back. Try to get to know her a bit better what makes her tick, what makes her feel loved if she goes on the defensive immedately pull back. But then continue at a later date when things are relaxed don't force.
_________________________
H:36
W:43
M:12
T:15
S:10
D:8
D:4

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#2210581 - 01/05/12 06:37 PM Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: penster]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Had a really good talk to wife yesterday and didn't know it was as easy as asking what she wants.

She wants to feel loved and appreciated. It has taken awhile to get to this far and would be so much easier to quit but I will just go at it slow and easy and hopefully everything will fall into place. Going to order up No more mister nice guy and passionte marriage tonight.

I need to work on communication, I know it is the key.
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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