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#2217676 - 01/31/12 10:43 PM (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Accuray]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
You know Accuray you have been a big help, I owe you big time.

It's funny because the title is the only reason I didn't want to ask her to read "Sex Starved Marriage", just sounds like I'm accusing her of holding out which I'm not. It really explains how I feel and why ML is important for everyone.

I wouldn't say my marriage has ever been sex starved. She never said no in the past. Only complaint I had was I wanted her to initiate more. If she has been drinking she would almost always be all over me, which I liked. She also was pretty rough, which is kinda fun once in a while.

I like your idea of relationship wheel. I will write that out and it will be something we can work on.

Also need to go over money issue's as she thinks I'm all secretive about that, which I'm not. I would actually like her to take over paying the bills with my income help if she is willing. Not sure how we have kept our finances separate all these years but I'm ready to combine them.

I've learned that for whatever reason she thinks I'm going to leave her hanging after 15 years and wants to make sure I'm going to be around for the next 15. Would have been easier to just get me a book to read if she can't express her feelings but whatever I needed to make a few changes anyway. You know I can tell her how sexy she is and she still doesn't believe me. I hope she can work on that with the counselor. Well maybe not then she would figure out she is a 9 and I'm a 7, lol.

Any other news on your sitch?
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

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#2217682 - 01/31/12 10:59 PM (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
One suggestion on finances, we keep joint and separate accounts. Money in joint is for household, kids, etc. Money in personal accounts is no questions asked. Works beautifully. Nothing new on my front other than starting a new exercise program and joined online weight watchers. I'm 6' 235 and would like to get down to 200 or better. I'm making friends with hunger and discomfort as they say.

Good luck Shaky, looks like you turned the corner. Have W read SSM and explain that its not meant as a complaint.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2224130 - 02/22/12 08:48 AM (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Accuray]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
I'm stuck, need some advice.

I'm at a crossroad and not sure how to proceed. When wife came to bed tonight she seemed on edge.

First thing she asked me is if I loved her. I said of coarse I love you. She asked if I was happy, I said most of the time. She asked me why don't I talk to her. I said we talk everyday, what do you mean. She said yes we talk about our day and general stuff but not about us. I didn't have an answer.

She is really in a funk. She said she hates her job, hates her body, pretty much hates everything, I'm sure I'm in there somewhere but she didn't say that.

I'm trying to be there for her but I don't know what to do. I can't fix what she is going through.

We have been going out on a lot of dates. Lunch dates, dinner dates, sometimes just the two of us, sometimes with friends. Went bowling last weekend, haven't done that in months.

For Valentines day I sent a dozen roses and a balloon that says I love you. I have never sent flowers to her work. She was so excited she called me crying thanking me for the flowers. She took a picture and posted on Facebook.

She has been trying to get closer but it is awkward because I don't want to escalate the intimacy, I told her I would wait to make love when she is ready. Well, we are going on 7 months now and she is still on lockdown. I don't think she could be any farther away on our king size bed.

I'm going with the flow and this flow is slow.

No matter how much stuff I buy her or how much of my time I spend with her she acts like its just not enough. Is this normal? Why is she being so selfish?

I sit back and think maybe I should just throw up the white flag and surrender.

Do I need to kick it up a notch and say I'm not in charge of your happiness? You need to figure out this crisis on your own and then move into another bedroom and just detach and let her go.

If I do that she will see that as me not caring about her and at this moment it is all about her.

Shaky
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

Top
#2225871 - 02/28/12 09:41 PM (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Well things are going much better. Just when I was ready to move into the spare bedroom.

Went to marriage counseling last Wednesday and I talked a lot about how I feel. We are taking it slow but at least I feel she is making an effort. I told her I was ready to let her go to figure out what she needs.

I can officially say divorce is busted. She has made it clear she doesn't want a divorce or separation.

During the counseling appt. I made huge points by saying I feel more in love now with my W than when she gave me the ILYNILWY 7 months ago.

This has been the hardest time in my marriage of 15 years but I really do feel it will be worth it. To not feel loved really does a number on you and it was really hard to say I was ready to let her go.

I feel fortunate that she was willing to wait for me to make a few changes and not just get the ball rolling on the divorce like I have read here a bunch of times.

Good luck to everyone, I hope to read about more stories where couples work it out.

Shaky
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

Top
#2225957 - 02/29/12 07:50 AM (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Wow, nice turnaround Shaky, that's awesome! Congratulations, I hope you get the fairy tale ending.

I've felt like you have a few times but it's been up and down.

Originally Posted By: Shaky
No matter how much stuff I buy her or how much of my time I spend with her she acts like its just not enough. Is this normal? Why is she being so selfish?


There are lots of ways to explain this. Basically, buying her stuff doesn't matter that much. Once in a while great, but too much and it wipes out the benefits. Same with time, etc. Things too easily gained are not valued.

A couple good books I read you may want to check out: "The Solo Partner" (out of print, have to hunt around) and "The Passion Trap". Those will explain the dynamic that giving her what she asks for doesn't work.

I'm really happy for you my friend.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2240460 - 04/24/12 04:15 PM (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Accuray]
Shaky Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/11
Posts: 67
Loc: Hillsboro,Or.
Update:

I feel really good with how things are moving along now.

We are still going to marriage counseling once a month but honestly I'm not sure if it is necessary anymore.

I feel very fortunate to have found this board because just reading other stories was the biggest help while I was in limbo on how to act around w that wanted space. I was willing to wait about a year for w and that was only because I read 1 month for every year married and I know over the 15 years I've been a decent husband.

I still don't understand exactly why all this happened but I know that if someone pulls out the ILYBNILWY card you better find out if your w is chatting it up with another guy.

After about 9 months my w finally admitted having feelings for one of my friends. I still to this day am good friends with this guy and I'm 100% sure he wasn't trying to make the moves on my w. He was just being a nice guy that gave my wife way to much attention which after a while lead her to the ILYBNILWY speach.

In marriage counseling she has said if there was one thing she could take back was the day of the bomb. She said she was justifying in her mind at that time divorce was the best answer. Willing to just throw away 15 years of marriage and start over. That is a powerful drug: Infatuation

I've made plenty of changes for me and my w comments that she really likes how I have grown.

Good luck to everyone I truly hope more people can work things out as I'm certain that the grass isn't greener with the next relationship. Probably just going to deal with different problems.

My current goals are going out on dates just the two of us without the kids, making sure I keep her love tank full and the biggest one is communication. Also asked w to read the (Sex starved marriage) as I believe its the best relationship book I have read. I had to explain to her its not that I'm complaining about the sex more about how men and women are different when it comes to intimacy.

Shaky
_________________________
M 42
W 41
S 10
D 7
M 15 Years
T 20 Years
Divorce busted

Top
#2240467 - 04/24/12 04:39 PM (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Thanks Shaky for the update. Good news for those of us still in limbo helps SO much. So glad you and your wife are doing well.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2240469 - 04/24/12 04:43 PM (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: RoRoinMD]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10598
Does your W have interaction with this friend of yours?
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2240478 - 04/24/12 04:58 PM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: Shaky]
YankeeCandle Offline
Member

Registered: 02/26/12
Posts: 335
That is so inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story. smile

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#2240489 - 04/24/12 05:55 PM Re: (NA) Re: (NA) Re: Not sure of next step [Re: YankeeCandle]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Awesome Shaky, I think we have several parallels and I hope to find the peace and satisfaction that you've found. Good for you!

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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