Hello, WAW. Is anyone there?

[AlwaysTrying]

Also, I don't need to be reminded to be a father. Before this breakup, there is no question that I had more face time with all of my kids.

I let her kick me out in hopes of solving things. No dice. Now my relationship with my kids is within her new constraints and it really p*sses me off.

Years of waking up early every saturday and sunday and minding after the kids at every party or social event because she didn't seem to want to be part of those activities and would rather sleep away.

And now she wants to take them from me. Anger.

[AlwaysTrying]

I am completely confused about what to do now.

I want to move back into my house and let her move out if it has to be this way. If I do that, it's going to really tick her off. I feel like I have to buckle down and prepare for what is to come and the best place for me to do that is at home.

My plan yesterday was to try to be as separate as possible. This is not the way to do that. But maybe it just won't work unless she actually does as she wants and moves out.

Sandi, I would gladly buy you a beer or a cake or a necklace but probably not a car for a bit of your time, advice, tough love or whatever you have. I know if I don't want to push her away - leave her alone.

But I feel that accepting that she is leaving leaves me with no reason to stay out of the house, pay rent and extra gas, etc. Whatever discomfort that causes her is nothing compared to the pain she has caused me and our kids and she can get over it by moving out.

Which is just pushing her away faster. She probably would never forgive me.

[AlwaysTrying]

I just had a great talk with my W. I came away feeling more hopeful than I have been in a long time. I didn't ask her to change her mind on anything. I stressed that I wanted to find ways to give her space... I wish I had a recording and could listen through it again.

She talked.

We talked about some of the points in our relationship we wish had been different.

I left feeling compassionate, not angry. I confirmed with myself that what I really want to do is impress W by giving a lot more space. Not coming back home.

[sandi2]

I'll try to get back with you just as soon as I find a few minutes. Didn't want you to think I'm ignoring you (and no, you aren't getting on my nerves).

[AlwaysTrying]

Thanks, sandi. I just feel like I've been doing this all wrong from day 1 and that must be frustrating to see.

[AlwaysTrying]

I wish I could understand exactly what I did right when I talked to my W last night so I could do it again. Not right away. Maybe in a couple of weeks.

I started with let's talk about the divorce. I asked her what she thought she wanted to do with visitation schedules. I listened to what she had to say, and didn't react strongly to even the stuff that is really upsetting (Her taking the kids for the whole week and letting me have part of the weekend.)

I think she still wishes things would work out but she thinks that I am actually incapable of giving her the space she wants. She says, that would be a *prerequisite* for things getting better. First the space and then see if I can work on the other issues. She still thinks about the problems being things that I have to change and not the negative patterns of behavior between us.

[AlwaysTrying]

Today I was depressed. It's been a while since I've felt like this for a day.

If I had a button that would make me unconscious and let tomorrow start, I would probably push it.

The fact that my wife contacted her lawyer to get things started again just days before her birthday and Mother's day makes the rejection feel so much worse.

She really does not value me or my contribution to our family is the picture that is starting to form in my head.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I don't understand why it has to be this way.

[totallydevoted]

hang in there Always...my w feels the same way. She feels that I don't contribute enough with the kids...and I've heard through the grapevine that her biggest problem wiht me is that I am too stingy with money....Whhhaaaaaaaaaa?! That floored me...everything I have ever done has been for my family. I'll give her that I'm not always there emotionally but fiscally? This from a person who we've had to fix her credit at leaST 4 times during our marriage because she has no clue how to even balance a checkbook. who racked up over $1,000 in parking tickets when she working downtown...WHEN SHE HAD HER OWN PARKING SPACE... but it wasn't close enough to the front door!!!

I have NO "toys", boats, jet skis, new car, sporting equip, whatever...3 pairs of shoes...never go anywhere...and my wardrobe is at least from the early 2000's. LOL Not to mention that because her crdit was always so bad that the mortgage is in my name alone and we agreed to stop paying the mortgage while our short sale goes through...so she's living in a 2300 sq ft, 4 bedroom home completely "rent" free while driving a 3 year old car while mine is 9...she has no debt since it's all on me...so her entire paycheck goes to her and the kids while they are there. Me, on the other hand, had to take on a 2nd residence (her idea) and ALL our debt...her net disposable income for outweighs mine right now because I've been such a controlling bully with our money (sarcasm)...and I don't contribute enough? Believe nothing what she says and only half of what she does...breath, breath, breath...

Sorry...just venting...your W sounds like mine a bit. I fully intended to post positives to cheer you up. hey, here's a joke for you...I'll keep it clean. LOL

"An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

[AlwaysTrying]

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

LOL! Thanks for the pick-me-up. Good payoff on that joke.

[nb1712]

I have to say alwaystrying, the thoughts and feelings you express in this post are exactly how I feel. My wife is still in the house but is planning to leave ASAP and her only reasons are that she is "not happy" and the old favourite Love you but not in love with you. I am just starting out on my journey doing 180s and cutting back the smothering and giveing space etc. Reading the forums here has definitely made me see that what I was doing before, which is practically identical to everything you are doing/done has not helped and I need to try something else