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Originally Posted By: labug
Now you say this: Sunday, I would like to send a message to WAW.

You are all over the place, no wonder your W can't believe you.

You need to stop and think and not talk try it for a day.

And then another day

and then another day


Hey! Give me some credit. I said I'd like to send the letter Sunday so that I would have 2 days to stop and think and not talk. But we have to say something to the kids.

I hear you. I need to back off. So... can I say nothing? Can I say, "I'd like to decide what to tell the kids."? Or do I send her "This is what I'm going to tell the kids Tuesday. I'm open to comments.", or do I just say what I want to say and leave her out of it?

We are going to have a joint counseling session (MC is not the word for it at this point) Monday and I want her to have a day to think about it so we can talk about it in session so that we're on the same page Tuesday when I talk to the kids.

Being left out of decisions or things happening suddenly or my taking unilateral actions are triggers of hers.

Does being detached me not caring if I'm pushing her buttons?


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
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Displaying a unified front to the kids is also a big thing for her.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Have you ever watched that show on TV, I think it's called "The Big Bang"? I've never could watch it all the way through, but you remind of the main character. Don't know his name, but I can see his face and hear his voice whenever I read a post you've written. I mean no offense, really. If you were to watch it, you may see why Labug said what she did.

I do not agree that you should move back home. You made the bad choice of leaving the home, but it will only make matters more hell for your kids by returning. You know it will be war with your W but you are determined, or perhaps selfishly, going there to be Mr. Mom.

I can tell you that a WAW will not want to R with a man who does that. Now, you can say it's a non-traditional M or whatever you said about the reverse gender roles, even though it seems to me that you want to be the homemaker and mother while she wants to be the career person/breadwinner/whatever and I'm not even sure if she wants to be a parent or not, but that's not why moving back won't work.

The reason it won't work out by moving back has nothing to do with your gender reversed roles, but it has everything to do with respect. In my plain and simple words, ......she doesn't respect you. She didn't respect you before and she has less respect, if possible, for you now. If you move back home uninvited & unwanted....that disrespect is likely to turn into hate and any hope of a future MR will be gone forever.

Do I think you should fight for your kids? Sure! But why do you have to do it by moving back into that house? Why can't you find your own place and have the kids move in with you? Leave her alone in her own house. You said you couldn't afford it, but yet you're willing to pay thousands and thousands of dollars in lawyer's fee to fight her while living under her roof? Sorry, but that just isn't manly. Regardless of the gender roles, some things don't change in women and that's one of the things! She has to respect the man before she's attracted to him.

IMHO, she will not be attracted to a man who wants to act like another uninvited woman trying to be a homemaker in "her" house. How could she?

In times past, I've read other LBH's tell each other to march back into the home, but I'm just telling you how she will feel, and that it will be horrible for your children under those conditions.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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sandi-
that was very well said.

at-
she is giving good advice. im learning from it as well


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Wow, sandi. That's a lot to digest.

I watch the show. I don't know if you're comparing me to Sheldon (the Asperger's Syndrome type) or Leonard (the short one), but I really don't want to be that guy.

I know it is a problem of respect and that I've done little but erode that respect since she's dropped the bomb. I cater to her every whim.

You say moving out was a mistake. Or that it was a bad choice. I did it to get her to hold off on the divorce, and I did it with an agreement that we both signed that basically says I agree to stay out of the house as long as the divorce is on hold and that I am not giving up any rights to the house or the kids in doing so.

So how is moving back in a mistake? Yes, it is selfish. I want to take care of myself. She doesn't want the house. She wants to move out, which is fine with me.

I feel at peace when I think I am going to come back here and start living for me. I feel like I have a decent chance of being someone she can respect, even if she hates me for a while.

I need to sleep on this. I don't mean to be a difficult person. My wife said I was like a brick wall and she got tired of banging her head against me.


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,698
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Listen man.

I just read through a couple of weeks.

Not everything.

WTF?

Coming in late in the game I know.

But

Figure yourf@ckingself out.

Sorry to be so blunt. seems to me there is a lot of placing blame and demanding of respect on your W that belongs in the mirror.

first of all your children are at the top of the pyramid.

So what is best for them?

You to move back in and have turf war with your W?

whatever you think this looks like when you do it, it won't turn out that way for your kids.

Think.

Regardless of what your W is choosing right now.

Right now I have to assume you are the sane one since you are here.

The choices you make today effect you and your family for the rest of your and their lives.

That is not pressure it is reality.

Most people don't realize that...

I hope you do.


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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I'm quite anxious now. I had a day or two where I felt resolved and calm and was planning out the next chapter in my life.

Now people are criticizing my decision to move back and I don't really understand why. Why was it OK for other LBHs to go back to their homes, but not me?

I've lost hours and hours of sleep thinking about what a mistake it was to move back in the last time I did it. I have to go handle kid stuff. It felt good not caring how she feels for a while. I don't know how to think about this and come to the conclusion that you have.

I'm certainly not going to ignore the wisdom of sandi...


- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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"Now people are criticizing my decision to move back and I don't really understand why. Why was it OK for other LBHs to go back to their homes, but not me?"

Who ever said it was ok for other LBH to move back? There are some here on the board that would agree with moving back. I'm just not one of them. The LBS's are looking from their POV (which is opposite from the WAS), and I'm looking from your WAW's VP. The one's who agree with moving back, are seeing it like claiming what's rightfully your. I understand that concept completely, and I may have missed reading where anyone had success by doing it, but so far....I don't recall any.

Look, I've seen a lot of breakups in M's that were in my family. The first thing the WAW tries to do is get the LBH to agree to leave the house to give her space and time to think. But once he's out of the house, then she feels that she's won the first round and has more strength or power to keep him out. She had no intention of having him return, don't you get that?

I don't know the legal stand on this, but if she changed the locks and you tried to force your way in, I'm sure all she'd have to do would be call the police. Remember, that you left on your own accord and now she doesn't want you back. She doesn't give a rat's a$$ that she agreed about anything! You are dealing with a different person, now. She's not the girl you M and the sooner you stop trying to think about this with your "logical" brain and start listening to how things work & don't work, the better off you'll be.

There is no logic in the WAW. That's why you are having a difficult time. She is all about feelings. She's angry, she's lonely, she's unhappy, and she's blaming you for all her negative feelings. Is that logical? No! But, she's doing it just the same.

If she doesn't want to live in that house, then suggest that she takes what she needs and move to a temporary place until she finds something she likes. You can keep the children part or most of the time, and she can have them part of the time. But it will only work if she believes you are not trying to scr@w her over. She has to agree with that idea or she'll stay put.

The way you are trying to barge your way back into the house, will set her into an "all or nothing" battle tactic. Even if she doesn't want that house, and even if she doesn't want to be a SAHM, she'll try to crucify you in court. Even though courts are being more sympathetic toward fathers these days, I'm sure her lawyer would play up the fact that you had a history of depression and gone without a job. You may be great with the kids, but the judge will take these other things into account.

I probably shock you with my bluntness. Many have accused me of being "harsh" with LBH's. It's not my goal to try to shoot people down when they are already in pain. I've tried the patting on the back and the "just hang in there and everything will be ok" stuff. It isn't worth very much if you plan to deal with a woman who has the emotions and thought patterns of a true WAW. So, like I said.....I'm just telling you how it is from that POV.

The biggest advice I would give you right now, is get legal representation. Someone very close to me agreed to everything his W wanted (just as you have done)....including leaving the house for a few days to give her space. The next week, she filed for D. While he was still reeling from the shock of not even knowing his M was in trouble....she convinced him to go sign the D papers or he'd be served. She "agreed" to custody of the kids, but now she's moving away with the children. He's completely devastated! He trusted her word. But she doesn't care. She has changed and she's taken everything and left him out to hang. He had no legal representation. He still trusted her to be the person he had always known. Don't make the same mistake.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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wow ^^^^^ ....

at-

sandi is telling you how it is from a WAW standpoint. you are very lucky to have this inside info.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Quote:
Now people are criticizing my decision to move back and I don't really understand why. Why was it OK for other LBHs to go back to their homes, but not me?


Agree with Sandi.

There are different opinions here and I think Sandi explained that difference very well.

My POV comes from placing the ones who are the true victims of this tragedy and who don't have any power to rectify that.

Your children.

That is why I described them as being the top of the pyramid.

Time for you to be honest with yourself about your mistakes.

Then make better choices.

You don't become a different man by demanding your respect.

You think you lost some of your "man rights" and reclaiming them will get that back for you?

Your W didn't take those from you. You gave them away.

The better way to get your manhood back is to start acting like one rather than looking to your W to give it back to you.

Now that you've got splinters in your forehead...

What kind of man do you desire to be?


My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
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