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Joined: Apr 2012
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Here’s my story. I’ll try to keep it short, but I’ve been living it for the past year so it’ll be difficult. My H and I were married for three years at that point and one day, out of the blue, he says that he wants more kids (he has a 10 year old son from a previous relationship) and that if I don’t, we can’t be together. I was days away from starting my graduate program and didn’t feel financially stable enough to fully take care of his son (I am a super responsible, over planner!) so I needed time to think. I always thought I’d have all the time in the world if I wanted a child of my own, and H knew that most likely I didn’t. But I begin to realize that my mid 30s are drawing near and maybe I do want a child. I think a lot of this was brought on by his son’s stepfather joining the military and knowing that he wouldn’t have his son living a few towns away anymore.

At this point, he’s now saying that we have other problems, but we could work on those if we’d have children, but he couldn’t believe that I really wanted kids. Less than a month later, he’s dating a girl who has friends with drug issues and has had child protective services called on her for her not so great child rearing of her two boys. I love H dearly and want him to be happy. If he’s going to leave me for an awesome woman who loves kids and adores H, I’ll be sad, but glad that he’s happy. To see him with this girl who was the opposite of everything he wanted threw me for a loop.

By July, he’s decided that I should move out of the house so we can have space to think things over. We’ve had the house on the market since June, but no offers since I wanted the house for our family and if we’re not going to be together we need to get rid of it. We purchased it right before we married, so it’s in my name and even after putting 30K into repairs, we can’t get it sold. As hard as it is, I agree to move out, because I couldn’t stand the idea of being in the house by myself with all of the memories. At this point, he’d already broken up with the girl, but even though he knew she wasn’t right for him, he was still upset.

During the summer and fall, we tried to limit our contact, but occasionally spent time together. In December he surprised me by saying that we’d actually been dating, to see if we could work things out. I know how important the holidays are to him, so I spent both of them with his extended family, who really wish we could work things out. We went to a few sessions of counseling in January/February, but even though we both committed to six months of therapy, he said he was done after 3 meetings because he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to be married.

Now I’ve found out that he’s dating another girl. I think she has two kids and appears really young, so I think he’s just feeling depressed and wants attention. He doesn’t think he deserves any better. I really want to make a solid effort to try DB’ing because I think our problems are minor and if we tried, we could make it work. I’ve identified quite a few things I need to work on, even if this relationship doesn’t work out. I’m just not sure if I have false hope and should give up. All of the other divorce sites I’ve seen are about coping with the loss and moving on, but I still love my H and want to make things work. Any advice you can give me? I’d really appreciate it as this last year has been dreadful for me.

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On my good days I'm able to convince myself that I just need to work on all of the issues I had/have that don't make me a good partner (being stubborn, always thinking I know what's right, being over responsible, etc.) and just live my life. If it's meant to be, it will be. But on my bad days, I just don't know how I could have screwed up so badly and if I will ever be happy again. I could really use some advice.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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Posts: 13,533
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Welcome to the board.

Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.


Me-70, D37,S36
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I'm trying to detach and GAL now. It's just so hard when, in the split second when the alarm goes off and I wake up to stop it, I remember that my H doesn't want to be with me right now. Fortunately, I have a 6am kickboxing class, so I have to get out of bed, but it's really difficult sometimes.

Having no expectations is also hard when I've spent my whole life planning every little detail. That's something I know I need to loosen up on because nothing ever goes according to plan. My H has always been over backwards for his friends, and in the beginning I was worried that I'd hurt him because he was just too nice and I had a hard time putting others first. He even told me that he was afraid I'd leave him because I was strong and didn't need him, so it's a shock to me that he's the one trying to get out. Now it's time for me to get back that strong, independent person I used to be; I just have to see where she's been hiding.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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--journal

I spoke with H briefly over FB chat. I gave him the heads up that our joint friends and family can see his pictures, updates even if I can't so if he's trying to hide his OW, he needs to do a better job. Her new profile pic is of the two of them. I think she's in her very early 20s and has two kids, so I don't see it working out, but the thought of her with him still upsets me. He doesn't see it as a PA because as he said "we haven't been together in a while", although we were in counseling in early March. Either way, I know he sees himself as single right now, so I'm trying not to think too much about it and chalk it up to his MLC.

A few days ago I'd emailed him about picking up a package that was sent to the house and my engagement ring, which I'd told him to keep until he figured out what he wanted. He's made a decision, at least temporarily, so I wanted the ring back. I don't trust the new crowd he's hanging out with and was afraid it might get stolen from the house. I'd told him he could leave everything in the garage if he preferred, but of course I was hoping for the chance for him to see me, with my hair and makeup done, plus some new clothes! He said Monday would be best, and I said I could stop by after work around 1pm. He said he'd be back out of town but would leave it in the garage for me. I'm just disappointed that I won't even get a chance to see him. I know, more expectations, but it's just so hard to stop. I was feeling a little better, but now I'm queasy just like I have been. Sometimes I wish I could hate him and be glad he's gone, but I can never do that. Part of me will always care for him and worry about him.

I just hope that I can keep working on myself and GAL. And maybe he'll finally hit rock bottom and come to his senses. Then maybe we'll have a chance to make it work. It's been a year now and although I've had glimmers of hope, it just doesn't get any easier.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Posts: 513
--journal
No contact is so difficult for me. I sent H one text today to thank him for letting me get another phone on the family plan. I'd been telling him that I was going to keep my somewhat working phone until August, when the contract was up and then I'd go to a prepaid plan since my plan would be too expensive for me as an individual. He'd been telling me to just get a new phone and stay on the plan, as it's only two years. But so much has happened in just the last year that I didn't want to risk it.

Anyway, my phone broke completely last Friday and he asked me again to just renew the contract. I was stressed and I know I'm stubborn, so I was probably difficult with him while choosing a phone. I sent a quick text thanking him for keeping me on the plan and letting him know that I did appreciate it, even if it didn't seem like it. I also admitted to being hard headed. Two hours later I got a response, and I waited three hours to send another. I usually responded within minutes, so that was a first for me. And in the last month or so, he'd tell me that I was the only one who'd respond to him right away, because none of his friends would. So I'm not sure if the late response is a good thing or not. Could that make him think I don't care as much about him? Or could that be good? Why does everything have to be so difficult.

I know that his primary love languages are words of affirmation and gifts. Mine are acts of service and quality time. I scored almost nothing on his two, so it was very difficult for me to love him in a way he could appreciate. He's been working out more recently and I can tell he's lost some weight. Would it be bad for me to mention how good he's looking? I know that he's with the OW because she probably tells him what he wants to hear. When I notice that he's doing something good, should I mention it because of his love language or just stay quiet for now?

I was thinking back of everything that happened before we separated. His son's stepfather joined the army three months before so we knew we had a chance of not seeing him for awhile. I took a month long trip to India before starting school, which I never would have done had I not been completely confident in our relationship, but wasn't able to call/email as much as I wanted while I was there. And his work contract, which I didn't think was up until April, ended up ending halfway through my trip. So he was lonely without me, had no work to keep his mind off things, and didn't feel useful without a job.

Our C, who we saw 3 or 4 times, asked him if he just got so upset at the idea of losing me during that time, that he decided to leave first so he wouldn't have to go through that again. He didn't reply, but I think that's a good possibility. He told me before that he always thought I'd leave him because I was so much better. So he's depressed and possibly in a MLC. I'm trying to do a 180, but I'm not really sure what to do and don't want to abandon him if he really needs help. Even though he doesn't want me as his wife right now, I'd hate to abandon him if he really needs someone to be there. If (and when) things ends with the OW, I know he'll be really upset and I don't want him to feel that he has no one he can talk to. I just don't know what to do.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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--journaling

I think the nights are the hardest. H would go out with friends, and me being an early bird, and usually working weekends, I'd usually turn him down. I'd tell him to have a good night and I'd be there when he got home. I'd stay in bed and read a book before going to bed early. And now I'm in my apt, reading relationship books, and wishing I still have the opportunity to go out with him. I was lazy and always thought I'd have another chance, so I can see why H would find an OW who just hangs out with friends all the time. Not that I agree with him finding someone else, but I can see the reasons. I'm an introvert and would much rather be at home w H, but I knew going out was important to him.

If I do get another chance, I'm going to try to make every effort to spend time with him around others, so that he doesn't feel as if he's alone when everyone else is coupled off, and let him know how much I appreciate him. Our M wasn't perfect, but I was happy and had no idea how much he was hurting. And I slept so much better when he was in the bed with me. When he traveled, I never slept as well and these months of being in this apt have been tough, although until about March, he'd invite me to sleep over pretty often. Even though I wasn't sure it was a good idea, I'd usually go over because I missed being with him and wanted to show him that I was trying.

I've always been the strong silent one and this past year has just unleashed all of these emotions. He'd been wanting those from me, and I just couldn't figure out how to do it until it was pretty much too late. I'm glad that I've found this site, because otherwise I'd be tempted to write all of my feelings in an email but that's never gone well. I can't give up on my M, but I just don't know what to do.

And it hurts when I realize that words of affirmation show him that he's loved, and I would nag about little things and he couldn't do anything perfect or fast enough. So even though I didn't realize it, I was showing him that I didn't respect or love him. None of the stuff I nagged about was really important in the grand scheme of things and it all seems so trivial now.

And my fear that he's spiraling into depression doesn't make me feel any better. I really had no idea what I was doing when I got into a relationship and it hurts that I'm only figuring it out when it may be too late to fix this one.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Posts: 513
---journaling

I'm so glad that I found this site. Everyone else I know is telling me that my H wants a divorce and I need to move on and eventually I'll be happy with someone else. They don't understand that I truly committed to my marriage and I still love H completely. He drives me insane at times, but I knew that before I married him. And I think he's having a MLC, or at least all the symptoms, so I don't want to give up on him or he might get even worse.

I am trying to detach and not think about the specifics of what is going on. I'm just thankful that he hasn't filed for D yet, so I'll take it day by day until then. When I do communicate by text, I've been complimenting him, because I wasn't very good at doing that before and I'm trying. I know it doesn't mean much now because he has OW who I'm sure is being even nicer and is new and exciting to boot, but I'm still going to make an effort.

I don't want to give up, not as long as I still have hope that we can make it work. I've realized that he has to make the decision to want to be with me, I can't pull him to therapy or push him to read books so that he'll come to the same conclusion as I did. I have to let go and let him figure things out on his own, as hard as that is for me.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: sweetbabyred
I've realized that he has to make the decision to want to be with me, I can't pull him to therapy or push him to read books so that he'll come to the same conclusion as I did.
I have to let go and let him figure things out on his own, as hard as that is for me.
Exactly.
Keep posting and working on yourself


Me-70, D37,S36
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--journaling

I woke up at 3am just thinking of everything that's happened over the past year. I tried to remind myself that H hasn't filed for D yet, so there's still a chance, but am afraid that he's just being nice and not filing until the house is sold so it will be easier to split everything up. I also remembered that we have joint credit cards that he uses for work travel and I'd told him that as soon as D was filed, those would all be canceled since I'm the primary card holder.

So now I'm wondering if he really is done, but he needs the credit to be able to travel for work and until he gets a new job with a company card or a job without high reimbursed expenses, he's just giving me (very slight) hope. That didn't make it any easier to go to sleep.

I've also thought more about the OW situation. Everyone he was with before me was much younger. He'd date the girls who had no long term goals or ambitions, and just let things happen. I'm not sure if it's because he got to be in charge, or if he also didn't have to worry about planning anything.

So dating me was the complete opposite side of the spectrum. I supported myself, had plans for the future, and was having a happy life before I met him.

So this new girl gives him attention (although I'm not really sure how she has time for that with two small kids of her own) and doesn't nag him about household responsibilities. I have to ease up on asking about the house/financial decisions because right now it will only come across as nagging.

He had said he'd put my box in the garage today to pick up, but it wasn't there when I went there. It's not a huge deal and I know he went out of town today, so I'm going to keep to NC and not ask about it. I'm going to try really hard not to contact him and see how long it takes before he initiates anything. I am afraid that I'll be "out of sight, out of mind" and he'll completely move on, but I can't do anything about that. We've been together for over 6 years now, and I know he was happy before, even if he doesn't really remember that now. I just need to give him time to get through this MLC and decide what he really wants out of life.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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