This is my journey

[needgrace]

Thanks, Cadet.

I am still dark, almost through day 3. i can do it.. I can do it.

I am angry today. During our M, we had promised each other that we would get therapy if we ever had problems. I feel cheated that she did not follow through on that promise and try to make this work.

I am angry that she writes to ask me for help with the D on questions she could answer herself if she made a simple phone call. Or that she asks me questions about doing HER taxes without even trying to do it on her own first. As Cadet put so aptly, I have been fired and who contacts the person they fired for help or does not prepare to handle things before firing them?

I know, I need to detach more and not be angry, just not help her.

i do feel more like myself again.

[Valeska19]

Being dark does get easier. Just keep the focus that it is to protect YOU. It's not a tactic to get W back.

And being angry is normal...

... just tread carefully NG. Even now after almost 18 months, I find myself getting angry and have to check my heart on things...

Because an action can have two VERY different motives.

Even though you don't want to, there are going to be times where you DO have to provide the info your wife asked.

It's sh!tty.. but hey.. you two are still married so it is what it is.

Taxes may be one of them.

Stick to your boundary but be kind, polite and respectful. Try.. but if you can't do that - then go as dark as possible.

Do your best to decipher when your w is being lazy vs. when she actually needs you to participate.

[needgrace]

Thank you, Val.

You are so right. I am trying to check myself. We will end up owning an investment together and I will need to be able to deal with her in some fashion until one of us wants to get out of it.

Just to check myself here about the 2 questions she asked me:
1) the first one she can make a phone call or look at a statement she receives monthly for the answer. yes, she obviously does not realize it, but i know that i exhaust all possible avenues before i ask her any questions, it seems like she is not even trying.

2) the second one (another mortgage ?), she can not call about but i have answered it several times by email over the past two months as part of our figuring out the settlement. she said something about losing emails as part of her move. but her request is to complete the D papers and I am sure people can file without their S providing all the info, right? i am also not sure that her losing emails should be my problem anymore.

So. please everyone give me your thoughts on if I answer or not?? I am ignoring her request at present. I do want to be fair, kind and respectful but I also want to set boundaries. Suggestions??

Instead of being in the least way apologetic for needing my help, she got angry when I said that I needed to think about her request... Am I being unfair? I do not want to be.

Concerning taxes, I do need to work with her on parts of it as we were married in 2011. However, she asks questions before even trying to do anything and that frustrates me. I will work with her when we reach the point that we need to put stuff together.

Thank you Val for your insight. ((( )))

[needgrace]

Thank you for stopping by, B45. I will check out your thread too. ((( )))

[Brit45]

I am the queen of getting on and off horses!

Every day is a new day. My horses are getting less rash, less neurotic and crazy,

I said I wasn't going to call him and I did. Ho hum.

[needgrace]

LOL B45, I love the way you express yourself.

Btw, I am on day 4 N/C and am confused as to why today seems more difficult. I feel more of a free-floating anxiety about it all.

[Brit45]

I honestly think that when you first start going dark it's a bit of a challenging and then you're waiting to see if they'll react and then (at least for me) you find they haven't made contact (I get all victim-y "another day he was fine not to talk to me") and then you get a bit panic-y. You question if you've done the right thing when will it happen. You start to think that at the begin you were controlling the situation and now you're not controlling anything.

I am seriously now looking at going dark not about manipulating or controlling the situation but instead to give myself space to not think is he going to text me back, what's he going to say etc. I have to email him tonight. He asked on the phone I send him details about SS doc appt. But step back or your own sanity. I'm not going to add in anything extra to the email because I don't want to be hurt if I don't get a reply. Use the N/C to keep yourself sane!

[Cadet]

Use the N/C to keep yourself sane!

YES!
It is to protect YOU not to punish them.

[needgrace]

Day 5 of N/C

Okay, I am confused. I expect this to get easier (N/C) but it isn't. I am wondering more, not less, about what W is doing, especially concerning OW and the D papers (she is "thisclose" to filing.)

Vets, does N/C get easier? If so, when did you start to see a change?

I have been N/C in the past but always with the knowledge that she would need to contact me soon about something.

Thank you.

[vera be fierce]

Hi NG,

I'm no vet, but I think during N/C when you start wondering about your W, you need to focus on GAL activities. What are you doing on that front during N/C?