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#2242609 - 05/03/12 12:53 PM This is my journey
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1344
Hi,

My previous thread was DBing while settling finances. I am not sure how to link the two.

Val, I hope you will find me here as I wanted to answer your question about who I want to be:

I have committed myself to an eat/pray/love year (without the cool year of travel unfortunately) in order to grow as a person. Who I want to be:

less in my head, more in my heart
more passionate, flexible (less rigid) and open to new things/ideas
more open and authentic in my relationships
better at developing new relationships
more assertive (able to identify and express my needs/wants/feelings/thoughts)
a better listener and communicator
more secure and self confident (move out to the victim role on the drama triangle)
more balanced, peaceful and calm (less anxious, better able to let go/not try to control)
better able to live in and enjoy the moment (regardless what is going on w/ my W)

what am i doing to get there:

1) improving my self care (showing myself that i deserve it and that i can take care of myself, i do not need to be rescued.)

2) reading and reading and reading (Pema Chodron, Lynn Forrester, DR, Jack Kornfield.... etc, etc.)

3) saying yes (to social activities/invitations I would typically decline.)

4) finding more activities to try (seeking new interests/passions)

5) seeking out ways to meet new people

6) journaling/writing

7) seeking ways to solve problems/difficulties on my own versus asking for help immediately.

8) identifying my defenses/barriers/issues instead of avoiding (using therapy, feedback) and dismantling them to fee the abandonment, the losses, the insecurities piled up behind them.

9) committing to daily form of meditation

10) go on a trip alone

11) research retreats/growth experiences and schedule at least one

12) proving to myself that i can be alone and live alone (i realized that i have not really done either in 20 years.) Hopefully, by doing this I can add "and be happy." to the end of that sentence.

Thank you, Val, for once again making me think and stretch. ((( )))
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2242610 - 05/03/12 12:57 PM Re: This is my journey [Re: needgrace]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1344
oops, I meant "move out of the victim role."

was that a freudian slip?!? smile
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2242615 - 05/03/12 01:11 PM Re: This is my journey [Re: needgrace]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5044
Originally Posted By: needgrace
My previous thread was DBing while settling finances. I am not sure how to link the two.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2231671#Post2231671

Link to first thread.

I think it is a good list of goals to start with.
Should keep you busy for the time being.

Welcome to your new thread.

A new thread brings change in us and that is a good thing.
smile smile smile
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2243037 - 05/04/12 11:14 PM Re: This is my journey [Re: Cadet]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1344
OK. Not sure if I blew it today or not.

I got an email from W asking for info again for the D papers.

I called her in a weak moment. I had been hoping that she would spend some time after her move, thinking about things, before filing. She has been running non-stop since this started and I was hoping she might S L O W down.

But that obviously is not the case.

She said that she is sorry I am still hurt. I said that I am not doing this from a place of hurt, that I am standing up for our M bc I believe in our M and that what we had was worth fighting for. She said that she fell out of love with me, and I said that it happens and couples work through it and if she fell in love with me before, she could do it again. I said that she fell out of love with me bc she felt rejected even though I never meant for her to feel that way or knew she did.

I asked her about the promise we made to each other that we would go to therapy if we ever had problems.

She replied that we went 2x and she felt no different. I explained to her that we had been apart 4 months (we barely had talked or seen each other) before we went and that it was weird then for me too. That I did not want to kiss her or be close either because it felt so foreign and scary and that it would have taken time to get used to each other again.

I said that this is one reason why most therapists suggest a 6 month commitment to working on the M while you try and reconcile, to give it time to feel less scary. I even mentioned attending a weekend like RV.

That was most of our conversation.

I know this was probably horrible DBIng, but she set so many "boundaries" over the past months that I feel as if I never got to say much that I wanted to say.

I feel as if, for some reason, the gay and lesbian communities are not as respectful of our own marriages as they are of straight marriages. Why is that? I feel as if my W and her new friends have treated this like a regular break-up and I wanted my W to know that we are legally M and that I was going to stand up and treat this M like it deserves to be treated.

At the beginning of the conversation, she asked if I was going to send the info for the D papers. I told her she already had it. She said that she didn't. I said that I would think about it which made her angry.

I think I am going dark now. (Or I should put that I am going to try...I can't seem to stay dark....) is that the right thing? I am going to ignore her request for info. I am not helping her with the D.

Is what I did totally inconsistent with DB?
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2243053 - 05/05/12 05:45 AM Re: This is my journey [Re: needgrace]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5044
So you fell off the horse.

All you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off get back on and start riding again.

In the long scheme of things it will not matter, in the short term it HURTS. So the best thing I can say is when you touch a hot stove after you have been told not to do it at some point you will believe that it really is HOT and you are not suppose to touch it.

I hope you understand how that translates into DB'ing.
Let her go.
Stop pursuit.
That is not going to get her back.
She is in CONTROL right now.
However I can honestly say that in the END it is the LBS that gets to decide.
The problem is that most LBS are too impatient to wait for the END.
They mostly give up.
That choice is always yours.

Everything she is saying is SCRIPT, I have heard it thousands of different times in different stories.
Believe the SCRIPT, and follow along watching the movie.
I can get you some popcorn to eat while you are watching.
That is what you need to DO.

Yes - GO DARK.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2243091 - 05/05/12 10:53 AM Re: This is my journey [Re: Cadet]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1344
Thank you Cadet, for being so patient with me.

Somehow I convince myself that reason will prevail and that she will be able to see things more realistically (that trying/working on things before the big D makes sense)..but she never does...and you are right, the stove is hot.

i think the D step feels so final to me bc gay and lesbian couples had the right to marry for a few months in 2008 and we did do. Since then, that right has been taken away. If we D, we can not reM in our state.

Last night, I wrote a chronology of our break-up. It shows how crazy this path has been. I will post it here later today instead of sending to her.

Well, the burn is painful and red enough to keep me from contacting her for now. Wish I could prevent it from healing so much that I forget it and touch the stove again.

Thank you again for your patience and support, Cadet. If I go back all the way in your posts will I be able to see your story? ((( )))
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2243101 - 05/05/12 11:46 AM Re: This is my journey [Re: needgrace]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5044
Originally Posted By: needgrace
If I go back all the way in your posts will I be able to see your story? ((( )))

Yes some of it.
Here is what I can suggest
This will work for anyone posting on this board.

Click on my name
Hit View Posts
Then a new page comes up with all my posts
In the upper right it will say
Topics Created/ALL Posts
Click on Topics created.
That will get you to the part of the story that is here.
I can tell you that I do not only post here.
Like I posted on StubbornDykes thread I am advising someone else that read your thread and wants to meet you/talk to you.
Because of the TOS that is all I am willing to say right now.
But feel free to read my thread.
Not sure it will help you but I have learned a lot in the last 3 years.
There is a lot of good information to be understood.

I do understand your feelings about the law in california and I have no real advice about that. Did you read here Wonka's thread?
She went through her own MLC.
I liked her and things she wrote gave me great HOPE and understanding.

If you have any other questions feel free to ask.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2243391 - 05/07/12 11:41 AM Re: This is my journey [Re: Cadet]
needgrace Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 1344
Thank you Cadet, I think you are an angel. smile

I read some of Wonka's old posts about her MLC and it does give me hope and understanding as there are similarities to my W's journey.

I also started reading your thread and really noticed how you asked such great questions and were so open to learning during the process.

It made me think of my own questions. Do you consider W's relationship with OW an affair since we are separated and she has made it clear that she is moving through with the D? Would it be helpful for me to learn about the types of affairs?

I am dark now so it will not be happening but I still wonder. When W throws out apparent contradictions (like telling me that she advised a friend to get MC when W refuses to go herself) do I bring attention to the contradiction or not?

Is it better for me to ignore her request for me to answer questions for the D papers (I already have explained that I will not help her bc I disagree with the D) or is there a better response?

The weekend went really well. I GAL'd and had FUN, it did not feel as forced as sometimes in the past! Yay! Before, I was often "faking it until I make it" but now it feels more genuine. I reconnected with two old friends and met some new ones. I feel hopeful that I will be ok no matter what.

I do not have any family in California (mostly east coasters) except a niece who travels a lot for her work. I called my sis in NY this weekend. I had been close to asking her to come out for a bit because I was feeling so badly last week. I told her about it and she offered to come out anytime I need her. I feel much better now, but it sure does feel good to know that she would come if I need her.

I think that this loss has so many layers that I am slowly pealing. I took care of both of my parents and lost them to cancer within a year of each other when i was in my 20's. I don't think I had the strength to grieve them fully then. This loss has come up now for healing and understanding. Add that to how I have neglected my own needs in the "guise" of helping others. I just put together how that has made me depend on others to meet my needs and hindered my self-confidence.

Cadet, if I can help anyone else, please let me know. I would appreciate the opportunity to use this for good. Lesbian relationships are different because the biology/hormones/emotions of two women, the interplay between each partner's history of possible shame or loss during the coming out process and the impact of society on the relationship. There is a great deal of internalized homophobia that is often below a conscious level.

There is also the joke about what a lesbian brings on a second date.... a pick-up truck to move her stuff in. While that is a stereotype, there is a grain of truth.

Off to therapy today. I will post more later.

Two days NC! Yay!
_________________________
Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13

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#2243411 - 05/07/12 01:16 PM Re: This is my journey [Re: needgrace]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5044
Originally Posted By: needgrace
Do you consider W's relationship with OW an affair since we are separated and she has made it clear that she is moving through with the D? Would it be helpful for me to learn about the types of affairs?
Yes it is an affair.
I don't personally think it matters what type of affair it is but will admit that their are many POV of this subject.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
When W throws out apparent contradictions (like telling me that she advised a friend to get MC when W refuses to go herself) do I bring attention to the contradiction or not?
No stay dark.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
Is it better for me to ignore her request for me to answer questions for the D papers (I already have explained that I will not help her bc I disagree with the D) or is there a better response?
Same answer as above. Dark.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
I called my sis in NY this weekend.
This is where I live.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
Cadet, if I can help anyone else, please let me know. I would appreciate the opportunity to use this for good.
Well like I said I am mentoring some one else that has read your thread but I can not figure out anything past that at the moment.
You never know maybe we can work that out.
We can not change the rules that they have here.
And we must be greatful to MWD for providing this forum.
Keep reading. learning and posting as those are all good things.
You will get your opportunity to PAY this forward, I am sure of that. smile smile smile
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2243415 - 05/07/12 01:43 PM Re: This is my journey [Re: Cadet]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
I'm new here but I just wanted to say by posting and journaling you are helping. I'm still on moderation so it takes awhile for my posts to update in the meantime I read other's stories. I find out there are other people feeling how I do and having the same fears/worries etc. Sharing is helping. thank you!

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