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thanks ces - it isn't feeding my aha, i'm right mentality at all, because i'm really not into the right or wrong of this sitch between me and h. i really understand why we got to where we are (i have to admit that i do feel strongly the right and wrong about the family members and how they are handling it, but i'm even beginning to come to better terms with that, letting go really means letting go of EVERYTHING)

it's more about - these people love us, and they can see that h is in trouble.

yesterday our friend said that she couldn't wait to have the real h back - that this person walking around was some shell of who he really is.

we talked a lot about her h's traumas when his own parents divorced and how he carries them to this day. i found out that he is one of the only people that h is hanging out with regularly - quite a lot, but she doesn't think they talk about the sitch much at all. (at that point i told her i was a bit concerned about h finding out that we were hanging together. she told me that they had already told h that they were never going to take sides with us and that what she talked with me stayed with me and what she did with h stayed between them. she and her h, also keep those boundaries really clear and don't talk about the stuff they do individually)

that's a good healthy friendship as far as i'm concerned. we talked briefly about OW, and she said that she didn't think it was serious at all, in fact the opposite.

wow, what a lot of pain is caused when the WAS uses an affair, and then you find out it's not even that serious.


about people finding out - well, I figure eventually it will come out in one way or the other. sadly, the effect will be that h feels more and more shamed as more people know, and if he is trying to compartmentalize his life, it is going to become more and more difficult for him to do that.

just an observation - i'm just going to get on with what i'm doing, and try not to fall in the ditch as much as i can.

i'm also not going to let this affect how i go about things with the interns

oh and to your question - about what the students will do? i am so looking forward to them doing the actual knitting on the machines for me - as well as being able to spend more time designing new fabrics while they knit the shawls and keep me stocked up!!

after the initial learning curve -as they have no experience, things should be sweet -

hope you have a great day today - do something crazy - like grab your wife, swirl her around until she's totally dizzy and then give her a big smacking kiss!! sometimes one has to just break the cycle of all this angst in some bizarre way, and work from right outside the box, or should i say cage?

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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yes that would be fun - can't wait until i can actually PAY someone to work for me!! that would be a blast.

it's more like i'm an intern with you - on life busting!!


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,239
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Quote:
h is very insistent that he does NOT want anyone at the uni to know about our separation. one of these students though is a friend of his - and she's going to be here at the house several times a week. also the head of the art school, who has known us for years, also thinks we are together, and thus sending messages through h when she's too busy to email.

i've just let that go and respected h's wishes - but i wonder if it's going to inadvertently fall down around him in some way now in this new situation that is coming up

any advice on how to deal with it? i am not stressed out about it - almost a little amused, but it could put a lot of pressure on h - and that's not something i want to be a part of.

This is just my opinion. You want to take the high road here b/c at the end of the day you need to be able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you did. Taking the high road does not mean perpetuating a lie or covering up the truth. It means do not take out an ad parading it around town.

I understand you are taking the high road by respecting H’s wishes. IMO it will all inadvertently fall down, and IMO he needs to experience that. I agree do not add to the pressure, but he needs to experience these consequences to his actions. Karma has a way of rearing its head, and the wayward spouses do this to themselves. They don’t need assistance, take the high road.


BITS
Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55
D 30
S 27

You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
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zig Offline OP
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I understand you are taking the high road by respecting H’s wishes. IMO it will all inadvertently fall down, and IMO he needs to experience that. I agree do not add to the pressure, but he needs to experience these consequences to his actions. Karma has a way of rearing its head, and the wayward spouses do this to themselves. They don’t need assistance, take the high road


thanks just stunned - there is NO doubt in my mind that i am taking the high road on this one. i am not intending to break h's confidence in any way by volunteering any information, and definitely not parading it around town.

i can see SO clearly that i don't have to "assist" in any way, as you put it. like i said i am bemused by the way things are playing out to a degree.

tonight h was very very tense - in fact these last few days he seems to be under a HUGE amount of pressure and anxiety. i feel bad to see another human being, be under such a strain. i think this trip is going to be really hard on him - much harder than i realized. i can't help him - he HAS to help himself.

i just am hoping that in this state he doesn't do a bunch of silly things that are hard on s.

i am looking forward to going and having a great time with my lovely friends. i look forward to the possibility that h might let himself go just a little bit and join in

spent the evening GAL'ing - went out with our mutual friend and s for dinner and had a great time - laughed a lot - actually "hijacked" s from h this evening and took him with us - h refused to go, he looked as if he could cry. was a hard day for him - they opened the kiln and the work was really bad.

he's under a lot of pressure - wonder how this phase will pan out...

as for the interns - who knows, maybe they won't even notice..

thanks again , i am exactly where you are on this

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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My H also has not told a lot of people that we are S ("it's no one's business"), still wears his wedding ring..

I have my story to tell if I want or need.

He has his.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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