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[censored] now i'm second guessing myself - remembering what old-timer said - am i making this more about me than about h? does the conversation feel successful because i thought i communicated directly and honestly ? or because he admitted that he would try to behave better

i have NO sense of self right now - just feel like this amorphous sponge that is helplessly absorbing everything that is going on


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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journaling

life is shifting a bit here . can't really figure out why in the space of less than 2 weeks, after so many many months, not one but 2 of h's close friends have reconnected with me.

not only reconnected but have had deep intense conversations with me about our sitch..

the best part - they are rejoicing in my changes with me and celebrating how i have fought and come through these accidents and how wonderful it is to have me back.

today another long conversation - and this one with one of the people who have met and hung out with ow the one time she visited here last oct.

wow did i say october. oh my gad it's MAY - and i'm still standing - and much much stronger than i was back then, i think!!

i got wonderfully complimented by friend today - she said she and her h were talking about me this morning - about how i was back to the vibrant, energetic exuberant happy person i used to be before those cars hit me.

GAL'ing for today

s didn't have school and 2 of his friends came over for the day. i really wanted to go to the bank and start a bank account for my business and in the past i would have let it go because of the kids.

instead i made a deal with them that if they came to the bank with me, i would take them out for ice cream - a rare treat! they were thrilled - i think the people in the bank thought we were aliens - i have NEVER seen 3 10 yr olds behave so well for so long.

we had a great time licking our cones and strolling in the sun - life just felt good - i love hanging out with s and his friends and really need to get back to doing that more again.

and opening the bank account and depositing a chunk of money from my sale - well , that speaks for itself...

another GAL - went and taught at s's class on friday - i used to do that all the time, but have found it really difficult during these months to step outside my sitch and be really involved in my world. it felt wonderful, and the kids, were delighted that i was back - i think i might volunteer weekly , like i used to do.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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one thing i forgot that i did
i'm the one who asked h to move out, after he confessed the affair and then still travelled to see OW. when he got back i asked him to move out - as long as he was having the affair.

then, idiot me, during my begging pleading phase, tried to get him to move back in for sons's sake.

wow - how much did i bung up there...

was reading my tag line and saw that i had written "moved out". i guess i'm going to change it to 'i asked him to move out'

btw KD if you're reading - i do agree with MWD's stance about not exposing the affair. i remember that she said that it is just a shaming thing to do.and i agree - no good can possibly come of it except more hurt on all sides.

i used to struggle more with this earlier - because the people around me were challenging me a lot about why i had to carry the secret. but now i feel so distanced in a way from the A part of the sitch, that i don't even really have the urge to know what is going on.

maybe it's because of h's own actions -


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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OK zig, of course, read the sticky thread in the infidelity forum of course (the one posted by Virginia)...

Also, an interesting thread, this one is... has a bunch of different perspectives, including one which is specifically referenced that is DB oriented (link in first post of thread):

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2199316#Post2199316

If I remember (and I skimmed the first page), there was some good discussions and opinions in this thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2129640#Post2129640

If you set "display options" at the bottom of that forum to be show topics: from all dates, you will get loads of threads to read through.

It does appear that statistically, that a high percentage of M's that have infidelity do not survive.

It is truly my opinion only, that pressuring an A spouse does one thing, specifically... it speeds up the end result which is either a) perhaps more likely, the A spouse chooses the OP and the D happens, or b) the A spouse panics and chooses the M... but isn't ready yet and piecing is a tedious process filled with boundary bombs and backslides and snooping and further denials, lies, and trust concerns...

Like I said, the above is my opinion only... and is intended to persuade anyone that my opinion is right and pressuring the A spouse is a poor choice... grin

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zig Offline OP
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wow KD thanks for all that work you did , directing me to the right places. so nice of you

It does appear that statistically, that a high percentage of M's that have infidelity do not survive.

are you using the paragraph that follows as the reason the above happens? or are you saying in general that no matter which way the affair is handled most marriages do not survive?

i just realized that my eyeballs are bugging out of my head- i've been reading the threads for a couple of hours without a break. so time for sleep. i don't know if i'll be around much , as we are on this trip wed-sun and i have no idea if i can get online. probably a good break for me

thanks again, and hope you are well
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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oh yeah, I did want to indicate and I appreciate the position of those who have dealt with infidelity...

Due to the emotional nature of infidelity (thus the risk of domestic violence, as a result of exposure), one of the things that I find most common is LBS who appear to get stuck in anger and resentment. Continued reference to both the A spouse (or often ex) or the OP in angry, derogatory, and otherwise "justifiable" opinions seems common and can even be disguised as humour...

The betrayal... infidelity... it hurts... and it hurts real bad... and even those who have not gone through it appear to be able to empathize and the emotional volatility appears to be contagious, even leading to BFFs acting out or publicly attempting to humiliate the A spouse or the OP for a long time after the incident, if not indefinitely...

Socially, A is bad... unacceptable... and IMHO a person who can truly forgive is a saint.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting... nor does it preclude R...

It is all about letting go the anger or ultimately working through the underlying fears that are the core meaning for any specific LBS... each LBS being somewhat unique in what those fears might be...

Because in the end, you can meet many wonderful people... and couples... and never know that their R or M began as an A... an A does not define someone... an A is just a socially unacceptable symptom...

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Originally Posted By: zig
Originally Posted By: KD
It does appear that statistically, that a high percentage of M's that have infidelity do not survive.


are you using the paragraph that follows as the reason the above happens? or are you saying in general that no matter which way the affair is handled most marriages do not survive?


We often say on this board to the LBS, "slow down"... No decision needs to be made immediately...

I think the emotional nature of an A does create a certain anxiety which pushes the LBS into a fight or flight condition.

So yes, I suppose that I personally believe that a LBS, unable to deal with the anxiety, puts pressure on an A spouse too early and so the A spouse is still in the lust stage of the A and makes a choice to commit to the OP.

There is a reason why statistically, 50% of 1st Ms, end in D. And that percentage goes up with each M after the first. Given enough time, the A will "normalize" into a standard R and all that entails... the honeymoon eventually ends...

If the LBS focuses on themselves... enforces their "monogamy" boundaries in their actions... and works through the very difficult emotions of a betrayed spouse... it my opinion that it is possible... the more time goes by... that the A spouse will have second thoughts and choose the M...

IF... the betrayed spouse is willing to try again...

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zig Offline OP
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KD -thanks for all you wrote. it's stuff to think about. i believe i am capable of truly forgiving this with time, but right now, it is more important that i work on the issues within myself that i need to resolve so that i am in a good place.

i started reading the first thread you recommended- got through a few pages- o wow!

but on to better and more happier stuff - to do with GAL'ing

yesterday, i finally got around to making an email poster that was sent out to the students in the textile department at the uni where h works. the head of the art school had visited my little set up a few months ago and had offered that i could take interns from the textile dept. for the summer.

she had given me the impression that she would set it up, but sent a message last week through h saying i needed to get the message to the students. i thought it would be too late since its the last week of school, but went ahead and did it.

to my utter astonishment, i already have 2, within the first 24 hrs.

so things are moving forward, little by little, and that's the most important thing for me - that i just keep moving and not worrying about which direction i am going in or where i will land up

a little strange detail, and it's going to be interesting to see how this plays out, especially since h is the one who started this process of getting me hooked up with the textile dept. over a year ago.

h is very insistent that he does NOT want anyone at the uni to know about our separation. one of these students though is a friend of his - and she's going to be here at the house several times a week. also the head of the art school, who has known us for years, also thinks we are together, and thus sending messages through h when she's too busy to email.

i've just let that go and respected h's wishes - but i wonder if it's going to inadvertently fall down around him in some way now in this new situation that is coming up

any advice on how to deal with it? i am not stressed out about it - almost a little amused, but it could put a lot of pressure on h - and that's not something i want to be a part of.

thanks
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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I could have been an intern with you this summer, (course I would have had to do something with this paying job)...

Would be fun tho.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hey Zig, glad the work is taking off! Enjoy! So what will you have the students doing for you?

That is an interesting position in regard to your H not wanting people at the UNI to know but the more involved you are the more likely it will happen on its own. Wish I had some advice for you on that one but I'm a little stumped.

My only similarity is that at church where I attend, people have noticed that my W doesn't come much with me and is not involved. When we first moved, she tried to plug in but quickly withdrew to focus her time on staying connect to her friends 500 miles away.

A few people have reached out to me to ask and I've given honest but very high level answers. I feel no need to lie but neither do I feel I need to give details out of respect for my W (respect I choose to give whether she does or not).

Also, in regard to friends coming to you. I've had this happen as well. A few close friends of my W have reached out to me in subtle ways and it seems to me that with time they are seeing the negative impact of my W's attitude and choices. It feels good to know others notice but for me I also have to be careful because it can easily feed the "Ah ha, I'm right!" mentality which DOES NOT HELP heal a marriage.

Have a good week!


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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