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To clarify - your L is just your L, I don't think you need to try to make your L the bad guy at this point. Especially b/c it's your father - what if you reconciled but your H still thought your father was "the bad guy?"

Even if it's not "true strategy" I would be very wary of using language like "My L advised me . . . " because to me it comes across as "This is how I want to get a dig at you but I'm disguising it as coming from my L." It still creates ill will toward your "side."

Good luck with your decision. ((( )))

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I sent the email yesterday at 2p, that you wonderful friends so strongly advised against. No response yet from H.


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Originally Posted By: BklynMom
I sent the email yesterday at 2p, that you wonderful friends so strongly advised against. No response yet from H.

Did you have EXPECTATIONS that he would respond?


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thks for checking in Cadet. I love your insights. I think at some point he will respond, whether through his L or via an email back to me. I dont think thats having EXPECTATIONS, my H is still behaving somewhat as a functioning adult and generally replies to emails.

Another perfect day with my girls. I will certainly sleep well tonight, grateful that I have two of the most wonderful gifts God could ever give.

I had a small awaking today. Verab wrote to me that I was trying to control my H by giving him a choice. That was something I really needed to explore within myself and I am so glad she wrote that to me.

The old Bklyn would have taken what Verab wrote as fact and I would have beat myself up with the little voice in my head for days for being controlling. Being controlling as was implied is not something my H hates about me. I am not very controlling. I never told him what decisions he should make with his life or career. My negative attributes are being depressed/negative attitude, talking meanly and being a perfectionist regarding ridiculously mundane things. Those 3 things are what my H doesnt like about me and what I dont like about me. (there are more too)

I stand by the email I sent him regardless of the outcome. It was honest. I want him to get help regardless of our martial status.

Many people on these boards profess that there is no treatment for a person in MLC. I disagree (not that I really know) but I think 12 step programs can help, a good therapist/shrink can help, medications can help. Just as with a drug addict sometimes you do an intervention, sometimes the addict gets clean - sometimes they dont; I do think its important to point these people in the right direction, whether they follow that path is up to them. I certainly cant make my H get sober. I cant force my H come home. I cant make his heart feel something it wont. (thks bonnie) But I will leave of a trail of bread crumbs in the right direction.

thks guys. It is true that everyday it gets a little easier. Still so hard but a little easier. thank you all for reading and all your comments, I need these boards like I need oxygen.


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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He replied!


"if you think that's what's best for our communication. I will do it"

I am so happy and yes now I have way too many expectations. I just want to kiss the fool. He is so silly.


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Keep your expectations at zero. I don't mean to rain on your parade, but he just might attend one meeting just so that you'll meet w/him and his lawyer. Time will tell on whether he will actually go to the AA meeting and will continue going.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Wow Brooklyn Mum .... you remind me of those 50s TV shows, where 2 people are having a conversation, discussing 2 completely different things.

He wants a meeting with a lawyer. You agreed. As far as he's concerned, you did what you always do - you agreed to go along with him, with one of your whiny, controlling, I know better than you do what's best for you and us so you have to do something I want as well.

Why wouldn't he go along with it? He's used to it. Depending on his pattern, he may or may not go to the meetings, but it doesn't matter, because unless someone is open to healing and changing you can sit through dozens of therapy sessions, 12 step programs etc and not self reflect one bit (I'm well qualified to speak on that subject).

Of course he wants to improve communication - he hates the current conflict - he wants to separate in an amicable way. He's like, "sheesh, she wants me to go to a 12 step program (shaking his head) whatever, if that's what it takes, that's what it takes" ... nothing more

DBing suggests 180s for a reason.

Take it easy ... the sooner you turn your focus away from your H and getting him to do things to fix himself and therefore your marriage and on to you - and what you can do to build your life, so that you'll be OK no matter what your H decides to do ... the sooner you'll start to feel better and start healing yourself, and then possibly your relationship with your H.

Take care, V (())


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Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
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Walking,
You are spot on w/your posting.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2252904 06/10/12 10:55 PM
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Walking and Snodderly thanks so much for your posts. Right now I am really working on keeping my expectations loooow but I am still fantasizing about H playing In You Eyes on his boom box in the rain outside my window. I cant help it.

You guys are totally right I have no idea if AA will work for him right now. I can just hope a seed is planted in one of the rooms. I think it will also be good for him to see the program I am working, Al-anon - it will help him understand my disease a little more.

Something changed in me this weekend. There was a shift in my brain somehow. Maybe in the writing of the email I let out feeling that I needed to release. I also had a great conversation with a cousin about my sitch so I feel really good today. I had a amazing weekend with our perfect adorable little girls and I really feel sad that he is missing out on so much - but its his loss. I am one very blessed mommy:)


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Posts: 1,194
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Who doesn't fantasize about John Cusack outside their bedroom window ?? blush blush blush ... Say Anything ... what a lovestory .. my second favourite movie of all time, after Valley Girl with Nicholas Cage *swoon".

Do you identify your al-anon primary person (terminology?, for the person you associate as the alcoholic in your life) as your husband?


V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
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