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Thanks snodderly & kaffe Diem, I so needed to hear again that I DID NOT BREAK HIM. I am practicing "H I am sorry you feel that way".

Kaffe - I have tried to keep our conversations to email. And on the phone he gave me a choice if we should have the conversation in person or via email, I choose email. (Now of course he doesnt like what I choose)

Snodderly, I am amazed at how well you seem to get my H from that 1 email. He totally has some childhood father issues that he is burying. My H crisis started when his brother wife was diagnosed with cancer. I think it triggered many childhood feelings especially since his mother sister died of cancer when he was 10.

Also thank you for mentioning that his empathy chip has turned off. Its so weird interacting with him, he is like a zombie. Now that we have a schedule and the kids go to his house every other weekend, each good bye for me is somewhat emotional (though I dont let the kids see that) - my H acts like its no big whoop. Handing the little ones back and forth should be no big deal. I hate it. I am working on getting over that hate since its now a part of my life but my kids are little. My D2 is still such a little baby, who calls for her mama.

For a while my DB coach was telling me to be friends with him. I dont think that is working. I have continued to be pleasant but in the beginning of April stopped being friends. He does not like that.

1st Post


In case you want my story from the beginning. Thank you!!


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Originally Posted By: BklynMom
(Now of course he doesnt like what I choose)


ohh, oh, oooohhhh.... Do I know what that is like! Most recently my W wanted me to do the schedule for the kids. Now, she doesn't like how I'm scheduling... crazy

Originally Posted By: BklynMom
For a while my DB coach was telling me to be friends with him. I dont think that is working.


Of course I SHOULD say I agree with your DB coach... grin But I do... cool

Unless your coach changed their mind, I think the big problem is the WAS/MLCer has a different idea of what "friend" means that a LBS does.

I think we should all try to be friends with our spouses. I just think that we need to be clear in our own minds what friend means for us and to be THAT friend. And I think it's pretty sure that... oh, where's Brit's "friend" list...

Here:

Originally Posted By: Brit45
He said I was his best friend and we would always be friends. So here's my rules to be his friend:
Friends don't sabotage the others relationship
Friends don't flirt with each other.
Friends don't sleep with each other.
Friends want the best for that person.
They're happy for the other's acheivements.
Friends aren't jealous of one another.
Friends don't have an agenda.
Friends don't try to push thier wishes/hopes/dreams/opinions onto that the other
A Friend listens more than talks.
A friend tries to understand where you're coming from instead of telling you why you're wrong.
A friend never says I told you so.


I think there are some AWESOME boundaries there on how to be a friend. Of course, one can modify it to suit their own morals and ethics.

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You can be civil w/him, but I seriously doubt that you can be friends w/him right now, maybe later on... The term "friends" has a different meaning for you h. It means that you are right where he left you when his crisis began and will be there whenever he wants to speak to you or have you do something for him. Friends do not treat friends the way that the mlcers do. If he doesn't like the fact that you aren't being "friends" to him, that's his problem, just as long as you are being civil to him. He can't have his cake and eat it too. If you had done to him what he's done to you, I can assure you...he wouldn't want to be friends w/you.

If you choose to email, then stick to it. Your man/child will need to learn that there are consequences for his actions. His feelings are numb right now when it comes to you, your child and the relationship.

One thing that you will need to learn and it is very difficult at first and that is to accept him for who he is today. The man you know and love is gone, i.e., Elvis has left the building. That means no expectations when it comes to him for doing or not doing something. Many times they make promises or say that they will do something and it doesn't happen because they either forgot or something more interesting comes along. His brain is pretty scrambled when it comes to thinking rationally and realzing that the world doesn't revolve around them.

Stick to the boundaries that you put in place. The boundaries are there to make things easier for you...not him. Just like a spoiled brat, he will learn to respect your boundaries and you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2245806 05/16/12 11:16 PM
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I have to say I agree with both Kaffe and Snodderly. The trick here is to figure out what "friends" means. In my case I keep conversation to email and text. Mostly so I can keep it recorded but also because the spew is more than I'm willing to accept.

What does friends mean and what does your reponsiblity to your kids mean? Those are the questions you need to figure out.

What it means to him? That may change with the wind for all you know. Your boundaries are what you control. Your emotions.

Your expectations must remain at zero, but you can still be friends. It starts with friendly. It starts small and has many repeats in this situation. But you'll be glad for that advice later.

He won't likely always be this way. This is temporary in the scheme of things. They have a way of remembering things differently later wink Be the light and be the boundary setter. Be firm but kind. There is no reason to do otherwise regardless of his actions. You'll be glad later...
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
job #2245924 05/17/12 01:15 PM
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Originally Posted By: snodderly
The man you know and love is gone, i.e., Elvis has left the building.
That means no expectations when it comes to him for doing or not doing something.

This is the hardest thing to wrap your mind around but soooo true.
He is an alien right now and as snodderly often says up on the mothership in outer space.

Him wanting you to tell your friends that you are separated is so that you can be the BAD person and at fault.
You get to do his dirty work.

I am going to repeat what I asked before, you did not answer

Originally Posted By: Cadet
Have you read my welcome post here on the MLC forum.

I can post it again if you need it.


This post has all the resources and information that we use here on this forum.
It is a starting place for learning how MLC works.
You have been around a while and may have already read all of that.

Please let me know.


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Read it a while ago and I am reading it again tonight.

Thank you, Cadet:)


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Cadet, I have read your posts regarding stages of MLC. But can you link the welcome post.

Its hard for me to read about the stages cause I just want them to be over. I had a busy day today but in the end I said good night to my girls on the telephone and that makes me sad. I try to remember how blessed I am that me and my kids are healthy and safe. I should be grateful that my parents and sister have been so wonderful during this difficult time. I should be grateful that my finances are okay but all I can focus on in missing my girls.

When I call I begin acting happy. Then H tells me what a great day they had and I start to feel like I missed out on time with my girls and I feel sad and its reflected in my tone on the phone. I go in the why is he doing this to our family mode.

Sorry trying to get it all out of my head by writing it here. I have another busy day tomorrow and my girls will be home Monday. I love them so much.


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Hey Bk, don't be sorry to post stuff like that. We've all been there or are there.

Try to keep focused on the things to be grateful for. That actually is your fastest way through this. His and your daughters as well. But more importantly yours. And that is very important at this point.

Keep at it and it gets more natural to be happy. Really, it does. There's a lot to be thankful for.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2247108 05/21/12 03:54 PM
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I feel hopeless. D2 came home this morning an I will pick up d3 from school. But I feel like I am already packing for their overnight on Wednesday with him. I hate this lifestyle. I try to be grateful that my finances are good and my kids are healthy but am I going be dropping and picking up kids for the next 18yrs. It stinks.

This morning it was pouring here. I knew h had no rain gear for the girls. I wanted so bad to call him and tell him I could bring by the rain gear. I didn't call. Eventually he called me and asked me to meet him with the gear. He said he had been checking the radar and there would not be a break in the rain as he had initially thought. We met with the gear and he was appreciative as one would be if you borrowed an egg from a neighbor.

Later in the morning he came by with d2. He said should I take more of my stuff now or would another time be better. I said it's fine if you do it now. He was packing up his stuff from his closet and asked if he should take the action adventure pictures of himself. I said they are yours. He asked maybe the girls would want them. I said no thanks he could take them.

I tried to be upbeat for the visit but I couldn't maintain it. He was over longer then usual and the last 10 minutes I was more somber then I would have liked. I had music on for the whole visit and played with my little girl. I did the best I could although I am grieving.

I hate that he has become a stranger.

I have also been spending a bit of time with an al anon friend who is divorced. She has helped me find a lot of peace. However she left her h and does not want to r. She doesn't seem to mind the constant logistical juggle that I hate so much. She doesn't miss her partner.

I feel lost sometimes because I am always praying for a miracle. I go through the motions of staying busy yoga, running, alanon, brunch with friends but I feel a hole in my stomach. I don't know how to balance beleiving a miracle can happen and moving on.


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Bklyn,

I feel the same way when I have my D1 at home with me. I hate that my D1 is being shipped to and from her parents place and that she is begining to notice the changes taking place in life.

Although I don't want to get a D, it is happening whether I like it or not. I had to accept it, and when I did, after nights of hurting, I started to feel better.

I think that STBXW has notice the difference because now she texts me 4 times a day, to the point where I would have to put limits on it (not before 8 am).

As for the balance, I think that you have to have very little hope that he would come back, and put most of your thoughts and energy to moving on. As this is not easy to say, it is even harder to do, but it is probably your only chance at saving yourself and maybe (hopefully) your relationship.


M:35
W:33
M: 5 yrs.
Daughter: 2 yr .7/11/10
D Final: 8/7/12
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