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#2243181 05/06/12 02:55 AM
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Hi All

I have been posting on the newcomers board for several months now and this community has really given me the strength to keep going through this ordeal. I hope to be thriving soon.

H just officially filed for D last week and I am now ready to tell the world (neighbors, school parents, extended family etc) that H and I are separated. I am a typical chatter box type woman and I find it hard to tell people my sitch without becoming the victim. Most suggestions including my C say just tell people you are separated and there is no need to say anything else. But for me with many aquantinces that would be weird and not being honest.

Its kind of silly but I am going to ask my mother to tell some people so I dont have to answer questions.

I guess I should tell a little of my story. Long story short. H and I had some problems that were never ever discussed. I got angry and crazy. H retreated into a shell and never said anything. He wanted more sex. A week before the bomb we were bidding on a house, he was saying he loved me, and then the bomb - a flip switched in his mind and he never gave us a shot. Never tried C. Nothing. He said he was done and broken and that was it. No confirmation of OW but its very possible.

Any tips to tell my story honestly with out being the victim.

thks


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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If the subject even comes up ... just say you're separated, and you are too sensitive to discuss the details yet.


Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
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Thanks BM. I actually practiced over the weekend with a friend. Then a acquaintance asked why I wasnt wearing my wedding ring, cause she always like it. It was funny she wasnt expecting the answer I gave. I said we are really struggling right now, the girls and I were fine and one of these days we will sit down and I will tell her all about it.

It felt good to talk about it and not feel ashamed!


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Bklyn Mom,

I am sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. It is painful in any case! I believe the fewer words the better. I don't know your whole story - but obviously this is a situation you didn't want and so I wouldn't put yourself out there right now.

JMO...

IB


M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years
Ds-24,22/S-18
D - 3/11
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About a month after H decided he wanted something different, he had taken off his ring and I was forced to do the same. If he had given up, I didn't want to be holding on and wearing it.

I eventually sent out an email to some of my close friends just giving them a short synopsis of what was going on. "not sure if what we want is compatible, hoping to make it work, etc" just so they had some idea what was going on and I wouldn't have to explain myself in person so many times.

I got an outpouring of people who wanted me to let me know that they were there for me if I needed to talk. I never took advantage of that, but I felt better being able to tell my side of the story without feeling that I might break down.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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The general advice is usually to tell as few people as possible.
Some will find out but I don't think it is a great idea to advertise it.

You are not divorced yet, he has only filed.

My suggestion is to go as DARK as possible.

It is only OVER when YOU say it is not when the paperwork does.

Have you read my welcome post here on the MLC forum.

I can post it again if you need it.


Me-70, D37,S36
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I agree w/Cadet. Choose one or two very good friends that will be supporters who will listen and be there for you during this time. If you tell everyone, it will make it harder for your mlcer to come home, if he should opt to do so after his crisis is finished.

I have found that the more people you tell, the more drama is stirred up and continues to churn and then it becomes he said/she said. You do not need any additional drama in your life right now. Keep your friends close and share only w/those who know how to keep your information within your close circle.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2245755 05/16/12 07:38 PM
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Sweetbabyred - I like your idea of an email. Keeps it simple and doesnt let you get caught of guard as I sometimes do during conversations.

Snodderly and Cadet - thanks for your thoughts. Initially I stuck with the program you suggested of telling as few people as possible. However my H hates when he bumps into one of "my friends" or acquaintances that dont know. He always tells me about it, not telling me that he is mad because he is P/A but I know he is. I should tell people "It didnt work out with H. But there is no ill will and we will continue to be friends in order to raise our children"

Now that my H has filed for D my new policy is to live honestly and tell people as necessary.

The 1 yr anniversery of of the bomb is in 2 days. I have spent the past 12 months working on me. I feel like I have given everything I can to show my H that I am a new person. And I am a new person. H said in October he saw my changes. I have evolved even more since. But in H last email to me he said "i have no anger towards you even though i do feel that you treated me really bad in our marriage"

If he has seen my changes why cant he come home? Why does he tell me this is all my fault?? Why didnt he tell me something was wrong before he flipped the switch off? These are all silly rhetorical questions, that I sometimes still need to say.

Here is the full transcript of our entire recent email conversation if you are interested. Thank you all for your feed back it means the world. I think I am down because I just loved my email response to him. Even though I told myself not to expect anything in my heart I was praying for a miracle when he go my email. The truth is this still hurts so much.

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(H email to me)
W
listen, this is not meant to be vengeful or hurtful in any way. i am happy now.

i feel the need to say this because i really don't think you are accepting the situation. if i was cold the other day, it wasn't an attempt to be mean, it's because i worry that my trying to be friendly with you was read the wrong way. we need to be able to be on good terms so we can raise the girls. on the phone the other day, you said you need separation, so i was trying to be more business. i have no anger towards you even though i do feel that you treated me really bad in our marriage. i am trying to look to the future and would hope that we can be friendly when we interact. should we not be so casual like we've been? does that make it hard? i thought we were communicating really well, and was surprised the other day when you said it's been painful, i don't want to cause pain. i was hoping to talk in person, this is hard to email, but i want to find out how you'd like our interactions to be.
thanks,
H

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(My email to H)
H,
I have no greater regret then having treated you so badly during our marriage. I pray that you do not have any regrets in your lifetime as painful as mine.

I am truly glad you have found happiness now. It is also makes me happy to know that you are now honestly expressing your true feelings.

I am a little confused when you say that I am not accepting the situation. I live each day as a single mother. I live the reality of our situation each day. From housework, to making dinner, to walking to school, to kissing boo boos to celebrating each one of D3 & D2 cute little triumphs. I celebrate without a partner. No one will be as excited or as proud of our angels as you and I. Not sharing these everyday moments is something that I deeply miss.

Am I not accepting of how amicable and great being divorced and being friends can be? You have a better shot of convincing me to vote for Mitt Romney then convincing me that being amicably divorced can be honky dory.

I continue to work my Al-anon program and through my recovery I am able to enjoy each blessed day with our beautiful daughters. Al-non-is trying to instill in me that this is not my fault but that may take a while for me to accept. I can let go and let god.

Some people would find that over the last months that I have acted admirably. Many would act worse. You feel a need to write mean things even though I have not said mean things to you. You said I treated you badly. I did make mistakes. So did you.

That the dismise of our marriage, including our friendship & our physical connection as well as the breakup of our family causes me pain is a very normal & understandable reaction. In this area my therapist has helped me understand what my “normal” thought processes are and what are my “crazy” thought processes.

As far as how you should act; you need not worry about me and signals; act the way you want to act - we all want to be genuine.
W

I still believe:))


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

Joined: Jan 2000
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Caution! Long Posting!

What your h has written is all in the mlc script. He needs to blame someone for the way he feels and yes, his behavior. Stop drinking the kool-aide that he continues to offer you. You know whether or not you tried in your marriage, you know that there is absolutely not one marriage that is perfect. Had the marriage been such a sham and he was treated so badly, why did he wait until now to separate? I do not buy into his bs in this email.

You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. Only God and your h can do that. His issues run far deeper and longer than before you married him. His issues are from his childhood and no matter what you do or don't do, you can't change his mind.

None of us had crystal balls or tarot cards to figure out what was wrong w/them before the switches were flipped. They tend to overlook the fact that they did not talk to us and express their feelings to us, therefore how could we know how they felt? Stop beating yourself up over this...you are not a mind reader!

Please keep in mind that his empathy chip is totally shattered and he can't understand the pain you are going through when you two are interacting. He truly doesn't see anything wrong w/what he has done and continues to do. So, my advice, set your boundaries and decide how do you want to communicate and when. If you are having difficulty actually speaking to him in person and you would feel better using the phone or texting, then tell him that. This is your call to make. I would also suggest that you only interact w/him concerning your children and only for emergencies. You are not ready to be "friends" w/him on his terms. Do what makes you feel more comfortable in interacting w/him.

From this day forward, please remember, you didn't break him. You can only work on yourself. Whatever changes you make are for you and you must be happy w/them. The changes are not for him...understand? Be yourself, hold your head up high and do not back down from your boundaries. Refuse the glass of kool-aide he is offering up...it's not good for you to take on his guilt and blame. Do not apologize again for the marriage and how you treated him...you've already done it enough. From now on, when he brings it up, say "h, I'm sorry you feel that way". Change the subject and move on. It's time for him to own his own mess in this situation. He needs to do the necessary work and look within for his happiness.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2245768 05/16/12 08:37 PM
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I can't agree more with Snod about the MLC script... My W could have written that email your H sent to you, BM... actually, I think she did... lol...

Originally Posted By: snodderly
If you are having difficulty actually speaking to him in person and you would feel better using the phone or texting, then tell him that.


Just an FYI, my comm of choice was email. My W used to call all the time and I was not able to keep up with any of the changes and no way of telling if something changed (regarding opinions or schedules)...

Anyhow, email is a great choice because it is a physical record for any reason, such as remembering kid schedules or similar...

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