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in regards to the kids. i tell them in no uncertain terms it is not their fault. they have done nothing wrong. it is between mom and dad. i also encourage S9 to talk to me about anything. he has a little. he is scared. i told him it is ok to be scared. im scared too. no matter what i will be here for him. i tell my kids i love them a couple times a day.


Great! You might add when S says he's scared that you will find a way to get through this. And that being scared and realizing it sometimes help you find solutions to problems. Help him find ways to deal with his fear. Kids feel very powerless in these situations.

If by giving up you mean letting go, yes. You can't make her love you, you can't make her come back.

But you can become a better man and create a good life for you and your kids. It sounds like they've already had way too much drama in their young lives.

You've taken the first steps in changing that chaos by getting sober.

Now let her go.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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thats the hard part. letting go. i really do love my wife. i dont love her behaviors as of late. i do not agree with divorce. i took my vows seriously. i was raised in a non divorced home. my W was raised in a divorced home. it still affects her to this day. she says it doesnt when it suits her agendaa. when she is being honest, she has told me how much it huts her. i do not want that for my kids. they deserve better.

on that note, letting go seems like quitting. maybe it will wok. its worth a try. i think alot about what it would be like without my W. then i get depressed. i know thats not good. i try not to show it to her. i try to be upbeat. she wanted blankets to help her move yesterday and asked for the ones she doesnt like, and left me. i told her no. sorry. she got pissed and hung up. things like that make me feel like giving up. she doesnt get to walk all over me anymore, and she doesnt seem to like it very much.

would we be better off divorced, i dont know. ill pobably find out soon enough. she hasnt held up her end of any agreements so far. i want to stay married to her. i will not continue to be a doormat. maybe thats a 180?


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Detaching and letting go doesn't mean giving up. It's giving another human being the opportunity to live their life. We all deserve that. It's just that right now she's choosing to live her life in a way you don't like.

The harder you push, the harder she will push back because "you can't tell me how to live."

Google detach with love.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Originally Posted By: labug
Detaching and letting go doesn't mean giving up.


I'll have to keep that in mind. I'm not at the point where I want to give up, but I definitely need to let go. As hard as it is to not be in control of the situation, I know I'm not right now and trying to be would just make things worse.
Heartbroke, I know it's tough, but right now your W doesn't want to be with you. Hopefully that will change in the future, but right now you have to GAL and try your best to 180. No matter what, you'll end up a better, stronger person at the end of this.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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bug-

i googled it like you said. livestrong.com had some good insight. found this poem:

"Letting Go"
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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Heartbreak, thank you for the poem. I think I'm going to print it out as a reminder when I start to feel bad for trying to step away from my sitch. I'm not giving up, just letting go.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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well. a good day with the kids. went to the library, played at the park. W never called or txted. not even to tell the kids goodnight. must be having a good time i guess. oh well. it hurts but not as bad as i expected. church tomorrow. hope i get something out of it again. got a copy of DB today. its kinda different than DR so far.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Glad you found the detachment article. That's a good one.

I used to read it everyday, and reading it here today made me think I should start that again.

Keep having good days.

Can you tell me again what boundaries you've made with your W?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 714
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not many..

if she wants to date while separated, fine. i will file divorce. i am not ok with that and never will be. if she wants to yell at me all the time, fine. i will not listen to it. i will walk away, and only talk if she is able to not yell. if she calls the cops on me one more time for disagreeing with her i will file for divorce. i refuse to be treated that way.

the detachment thing is so hard. i didnt know what to do so i prayed last night. spent about 2 hrs praying and crying. i still feel miserable.

i havent heard from my W all weekend. makes me worry, wondering if shes ok. than i think, she pobably is fine. fine without me, and that hurts.

i hope today goes ok. have church, chores, and i meet with my sponsor sometime


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Posts: 9,676
You don't need a lot of boundaries but the boundaries you do make need to be strong and enforced.

Are there boundaries about her drinking around the kids?

i didnt know what to do so i prayed last night. spent about 2 hrs praying and crying. i still feel miserable.

Did you call your sponsor? This is a dangerous place for you as your old coping mechanism is gone but easily attainable.

Detachment is hard but you haven't been at this very long, don't give up.

i havent heard from my W all weekend. makes me worry, wondering if shes ok. than i think, she pobably is fine. fine without me, and that hurts

Mind-reading, again. When you notice that you're doing this have a little talk with yourself. "I'm powerless over people, places and things." I have a sign with that on it by my BR mirror so I look at it everyday. It does you no good to dwell there because that's not your work, that's God's work.

And yes, it does hurt but this hurt won't kill you. Learning to deal with the hurts in life, will only make you stronger.

And you can pass that skill on to your children. They will then have the strength to deal with painful things without turning to a substance, because they will have what they need right inside themselves.

How powerful is that?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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