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What's your feeling about your ring?

What did it symbolize to you?

Is it still a symbol of that?

Or is that over for you?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Underdog, I love your 24 hour rule. I'm controlling and stubborn-(great combination!)and when I find out something I don't like, esp. like a new OW, I have a tendency to immediately send a text trying to find out what is going on. I know that I can't believe anything he says, because he's confused and doesn't know what he wants right now, but I still try to get answers. I think this 24 hour rule will definitely help with my 180.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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Hey Fifi,

Hope your weekend is off to a better start?

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I feel like a weight has been lifted.


Awesome. I think that the emotions that come with dreading something are darned exhausting. And I'm glad your kids were able to weather through the news and that you didn't have to do this by yourself.

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I feel like saying, "stop being such a victim and work on our relationship for our kids sake then!" But I didn't.


LOL, would it help you knowing that there are days (9 years later) where I feel like saying this? Because 9 years later, there are still consequences and fall out in my house, and every once in awhile it pi$$es me off that I get stuck with helping my D18 navigate them. You're the grocery mom (not fun) and he gets to be Disney dad. I know... it isn't fair... but little in life really is. frown

And besides, this is somewhat of a narcissistic journey. They have little empathy but want you to have an abundance in it. The nature of the beast, I guess.

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Didn't do much DB because tensions were high.


Great idea. You're getting the hang of it. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is tread water. You just have to make your goal not to do anything that will hurt your overall cause...

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Anyone have any thoughts on the ring wearing issue?


I think Maggie got that right. You'll know when you're ready to take it off. If you have to think about it, it probably isn't that time. I was a little rash about that (took mine off within the first week), and that prompted XH to take his off too, though he told me he wasn't ready. So... don't do what I did. If you feel better knowing that everyone else knows, then consider it?

Have a restful rest of your weekend...

smile Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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I was feeling good this morning, went and got my hair done, went for bangs to change it up a bit. The kids and I took my brother to lunch for his birthday. My C told me a good time to talk to kids was in the car because they aren't looking at you. So on the way home I asked my son how he was feeling about Daddy having a new house. He said "Sad. You promised that you and Daddy would never live apart." His best friends parents separated about 5 months ago and when I explained what was going on I promised that "Daddy and I would never do that" because that is how I truly felt. I know I can't take what I said back, but I am upset that he is hurting. Then he said "Is he still your husband?" I guess it puts something silly like wearing a ring in perspective, but in that minute I decided to still wear it around the kids. Tonight when I am out- it's coming off.


Betsey- you were right about him trying to get out of "the talk".

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Awesome. I think that the emotions that come with dreading something are darned exhausting. And I'm glad your kids were able to weather through the news and that you didn't have to do this by yourself.


He did try to get me to do the talking, before he left for work he implied I should do it. I resisted the urge to use profanity and call him on his passiveness. I simply stated that because it was his decision he needs to do the talking.

Quote:
LOL, would it help you knowing that there are days (9 years later) where I feel like saying this? Because 9 years later, there are still consequences and fall out in my house, and every once in awhile it pi$$es me off that I get stuck with helping my D18 navigate them. You're the grocery mom (not fun) and he gets to be Disney dad. I know... it isn't fair... but little in life really is. frown


No, it doesn't help. That's the problem. If it was me, no kids I wouldn't even be on these boards. If you can't help yourself I can't help you. But his is their father. WTF. I had no idea he had this in him.

I think it will get better, just an emotionally loaded day with the kids. He is off setting up his new place and I am dealing with the fallout. Trying to remember to stay positive around them, glad I have this board for venting!


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Fifi,

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Betsey- you were right about him trying to get out of "the talk".


I'm sorry about that. I didn't want to be "right". It's just that I was married to his brother for 15 years. And I met a few really good friends here along the way who were also married to P/A men. It's how they operate. And frankly, it's really tiring.

Quote:
I simply stated that because it was his decision he needs to do the talking.


Absolutely. And I'm glad you stuck to your guns on this.

Here's my ugly secret. When my XH filed the divorce petition, he listed ME as the petitioner. How's that for a true P/A action? I feel like I graduated magna cum laude from the P/A survivor school. Kind of funny that they married overly controlling women. The book I'm reading now explains how this works. I'm finding it interesting all over again.

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He is off setting up his new place and I am dealing with the fallout. Trying to remember to stay positive around them,


Ugh, this was what I was trying to say earlier. I still have fallout, and we have completely closed that chapter. It's like herpes... the gift that keeps giving. I wish I could muster up a laugh, but I can't.

But in the end, the only way to heal and move forward IS to stay positive. You have to be positive that you and the kids are going to be fine, no matter what. That inner strength is something you're going to need, no matter what outcome prevails. Because if you think that this is hard, there are folks here who have reconciled and that is also darned difficult.

Off to bed. Hope Sunday goes a little better for you.

smile Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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I would be interested in knowing the book you're finding helpful. I think my H has P/A tendancies. And yes, I got controlling and he got more passive. He is learning to be more responsible and I am learning to not offer ANY advice regardless of how small or big it is, or how much I think it's needed.

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i don't think you should deal with the fallout alone. i think every time your children suffer from this, you should text him or email him that they are suffering and ask him to help them. he needs to feel the pain EACH AND EVERY TIME, as the little ones do.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Quote:

Here's my ugly secret. When my XH filed the divorce petition, he listed ME as the petitioner. How's that for a true P/A action? I feel like I graduated magna cum laude from the P/A survivor school. Kind of funny that they married overly controlling women. The book I'm reading now explains how this works. I'm finding it interesting all over again.


Betsey- thanks for sharing. I used profanity when I read this. It gave me strength. I realized I am ready to get off this crazy train and get myself healthy. At this point he doesn't seem to want to join me in changing the dynamics.

So I have officially detached. I feel like reading and posting here has really helped me speed up the process. Seeing how hard people here try, seeing how introspective everyone is, including the men, makes me see my H in a different light. He is acting like a helpless victim, and nothing will change about us until he sees that in himself. So I am GAL. I joined a women's only triathlon group. I am making plans with friends. I am taking pictures of my kids again. And I feel good. Thanks to everyone here for providing the inspiration smile


M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets
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Fifi,

How is your week going so far?

Quote:
Betsey- thanks for sharing. I used profanity when I read this.


I'm honored. Since I have a household of potty mouth women, I'm happy to have you join us. It really does suck, doesn't it? But if you got strength from it, then it was worth sharing. It still torques me off...

Quote:
At this point he doesn't seem to want to join me in changing the dynamics.


But here's where you have the ultimate power, Fifi. By you changing yourself and how you respond (I deliberately said that word instead of react), you WILL change the dynamics. He just might not be on your boat right now, and that's undoubtedly for the better. I mean, who wants a grumpy a$$ sad guy around all the time? grin

No matter the reason, it's good that you're inspired to be a better and happier person. Take that one and run with it, baby. It's the value in this path.

Hugs--

smile Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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Fifi it's true this group is fantastic in helping you speed up. Unlike your friends or family they've all been there. I learn so much reading everyone else's sitch's.

A triathalon group? GO YOU!!! that's fantastic. You'll have a set goal/event to work towards. Good job on the GAL front.

yes enjoy those kids! My son is 16. They grow up so quick.

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