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#2240561 - 04/24/12 10:42 PM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
Originally Posted By: MrBond
So what do you plan to do? Write out a list and post it here.

What changes have you made in your life? Write them here and we'll evaluate. It's the only way you have a choice of getting your W back.


MrBond,

I will do these after i think through. Hope you can guide me along.

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#2240592 - 04/25/12 01:12 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: Use to be]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
Hi, I just text my W. Maybe you can help me to evaluate

Me: Hi, If i want to see GR now over FaceTime possible? I am not able to go to your house because I am busy recently.

Spouse: Now? I am at work

Me: Actually I add your apple ID will do, so if your mum pick up the iPad and click facetime I can see him.

Spouse: You call my house to see if she know

Me: Is your apple id XXXXXX@gmail.com

Spouse: I never sync my apple id with iPad cos that iPad is a shared one, not mine.

Me: in that case can use your Iphone to facetime tonight when you are home?

Spouse: Maybe you go my house visit him?

Me: I am not able to go as I am busy with work. I also do not want to stay home alone for so many hours. You can't facetime?

Spouse: Don't think so as I am busy

Me: don't have to be today. Other day also can. Is that possible?

Spouse: See how

Me: ok

Me: U will not go watch Avengers with me right? (She promised to go with me before the break up)

Me: it ok if you don't want to. I am just asking to see is it possible

Spouse: Sorry not convenient, enjoy your movie

Me: thanks for your reply.

*Does she somehow soften her heart when she talk this way?

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#2240608 - 04/25/12 05:09 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
MrBond,

I don't have any idea what to do because you told me not to cook for her. But I do hope she can eat what I cook for her and I am thinking of getting someone to deliver it over since she do not want to see me.

I am hoping that she can go out with me soon. Because I miss her very much. I wish it could be like last time where the 3 of us go out together and I miss those days. My boy is growing up everyday and i am missing all those opportunity to be with her and my boy.

After changes, I tell myself not to nag anymore. I tell myself to give her the space she want. And I promise to help her up with housework if she will to come home.

Originally Posted By: MrBond
So what do you plan to do? Write out a list and post it here.

What changes have you made in your life? Write them here and we'll evaluate. It's the only way you have a choice of getting your W back.

Top
#2240614 - 04/25/12 07:46 AM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: Use to be]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9833
"*Does she somehow soften her heart when she talk this way?"

No. Re-read your conversation. It's totally selfish. You are only thinking about what you want. The key is to really understand what SHE wants. BUT in the position you are in, you can't and she doesn't want you to give it to her. Which is why she's asking for space. I repeat...SPACE.

You can't give her space if you keep saying you're going to cook for her or bring her gifts. Act like the man you were when you first went out with her.

She even told you to take care of dealing with her parents yourself, but you didn't want to. Basically because you're scared of her parents and what they might do. Again, stop being scared. If you want to talk to your son on Facetime, do it. Talk to her parents. Leave her out of it. Tell her to tell her parents that you will be calling and that's it. Don't add so much detail.

"I am thinking of getting someone to deliver it over since she do not want to see me.:

NO! She doesn't want to see you, or hear from you, or even deal with you. She wants SPACE! Which means you completely leave her alone unless there is an issue that has to deal with your son.

"I am hoping that she can go out with me soon. Because I miss her very much. "

See how selfish this sounds? That's what YOU want. She doesn't. You have to understand this in order to come up with a plan.

"And I promise to help her up with housework if she will to come home."

No. You should have said "I promise to help her with housework." Period. No "if she will come home". That part is selfish.

You have to stop being selfish and become selfless if you want your W back. What if she has a boyfriend now? It's a possibility. The point is that you have to see that she doesn't want another whiny and complaining child which is how you're acting. She wants a man she can depend on and who can take charge without him needing to ask her what to do.

Right now you're not that man.

How about this. Tomorrow, just tell her that you want to Facetime your son so she needs to tell her parents that you will be calling them. Then call them and talk to your son.

Say things nicely and afterwards just hang up.

Next come up with a definite plan that lists when you will be seeing your son and give it to her. Just tell her (and this is important)... "These are the days I am planning to see GR. It's important for him to have a mother and father in his life and I plan to be the best one for him whether you are there or not." A

And that's it! Don't add anything else. Don't do anything else for her, just follow what I wrote. You can do it.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2240802 - 04/25/12 08:45 PM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
Hi MrBond,

Actually I don't get it. Why it seem like to win back my wife, I have to completely leave?

Another thing is, it difficult for me to see GR now because everything I do, her dad is thinking of me negatively. He is always giving her negative input.

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#2240806 - 04/25/12 08:58 PM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: Use to be]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9833
"Why it seem like to win back my wife, I have to completely leave?"

1) Because she has told you time and time again that she want space. That means she doesn't want to see you.

2) You will never completely not be in contact with her because you have to communicate with her about your son. So if you show her how good of a father you are (without actually telling her you're a good father) she may see you in a better way. You can talk with her when you're with your son and slowly make your back in that way.

Go back and read DR again. Drill it into your head. How old are you and your W anyway?

"it difficult for me to see GR now because everything I do, her dad is thinking of me negatively. He is always giving her negative input."

Who's son is it? Yours or her father's? YOU ARE THE FATHER! Start acting like it and arrange to spend time with him. Forget about what her father will or will not say.

Let's face it, you've barely even tried. You think that everything has to be a strategy. But you're thinking so much that you end up not doing anything.

Stop thinking about trying to get your W back for now and concentrate on spending more time with your son. Your W will come around when she sees that you aren't paying her anymore attention. That's the way it works. When you don't pay attention to someone, they start paying attention to you. I don't know how much easier to put it to you.

Start doing something.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2240814 - 04/25/12 09:26 PM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
1) I really hope I can do it to give her space. I am forcing myself to do it.

2) I have always being good to GR, but she can't see it because I am always with GR alone. U may said I am using this as a strategy again. Maybe of the hope I am hoping for I still think of it as strategy but my love to my boy is real. How can she feel or see it if she wasn't around?

3) Arrange time with him is always what I want but my wife is always saying our boy is too young and I can't handle it. If I were to argue further, this make it worst. His dad can still tell me story of how his colleague son die because the father did not know how to take care of him. He always giving negative input to my spouse. Do you understand my difficulties?

4) When you don't pay attention to someone, they start paying attention to you.
It this really true?

Originally Posted By: MrBond
"Why it seem like to win back my wife, I have to completely leave?"

1) Because she has told you time and time again that she want space. That means she doesn't want to see you.

2) You will never completely not be in contact with her because you have to communicate with her about your son. So if you show her how good of a father you are (without actually telling her you're a good father) she may see you in a better way. You can talk with her when you're with your son and slowly make your back in that way.

Go back and read DR again. Drill it into your head. How old are you and your W anyway?

"it difficult for me to see GR now because everything I do, her dad is thinking of me negatively. He is always giving her negative input."

Who's son is it? Yours or her father's? YOU ARE THE FATHER! Start acting like it and arrange to spend time with him. Forget about what her father will or will not say.

Let's face it, you've barely even tried. You think that everything has to be a strategy. But you're thinking so much that you end up not doing anything.

Stop thinking about trying to get your W back for now and concentrate on spending more time with your son. Your W will come around when she sees that you aren't paying her anymore attention. That's the way it works. When you don't pay attention to someone, they start paying attention to you. I don't know how much easier to put it to you.

Start doing something.

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#2240829 - 04/25/12 10:20 PM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: Use to be]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9833
1) I really hope I can do it to give her space. I am forcing myself to do it.

Good.

2) I have always being good to GR, but she can't see it because I am always with GR alone. U may said I am using this as a strategy again. Maybe of the hope I am hoping for I still think of it as strategy but my love to my boy is real. How can she feel or see it if she wasn't around?

This is where you are getting mixed up. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO SEE YOU BE A GOOD FATHER. JUST BE A GOOD FATHER. The love for your boy is real. That's good. You do this for yourself, she doesn't need to see it.


3) Arrange time with him is always what I want but my wife is always saying our boy is too young and I can't handle it. If I were to argue further, this make it worst. His dad can still tell me story of how his colleague son die because the father did not know how to take care of him. He always giving negative input to my spouse. Do you understand my difficulties?

Honestly I'm getting a little tired telling you this. Don't argue. Find out what your rights are and arrange the time to see your son. It doesn't matter what your father in law says. That's YOUR son NOT HIS!

My W took my kids when the youngest was barely one year old. I fought for them and now I'm the best dad around. Fight for your son. Don't do it to try and get your W back.


4) When you don't pay attention to someone, they start paying attention to you.
It this really true?

Your W isn't paying attention to you and now you're suddenly paying her alot of attention. You ignored her before and she tried to get your attention. You tell me if it's true. Seems like it is.

Listen, I will say this one more time. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE.

1) You have to change the behaviors that your W didn't like.

2) You have to stop being scared. It shows your lack of self-esteem. Be confident in yourself. It doesn't matter what others think (especially your Father In Law).

3) You have to learn patience and do things with a cool head. How old are you and your wife? It sounds like you're very young and a little immature at this. But that's okay. You can learn.

4) Do the right thing for your son. Be the man that you want your son to look up to. Do you want your son to see his father be afraid of his father in law?

I think you said that you are in Singapore. Are you Chinese? Did you ever see the movie "Once Upon a Time in China"? In the movie, Jet Li is the man of honesty and is always doing the right thing even though others were making fun of him. He knew that you couldn't change people from just talking. You have to act and be the good man. And he had alot of patience. You have to be that man.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
#2240835 - 04/25/12 10:32 PM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: MrBond]
Use to be Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/12
Posts: 108
Point 3) Are you a divorce too? How does your kids cope with it? I hope they finally get their mum and dad back together.

point 4)I ignore her before? When did I did it?

By the way I am 34 and my wife is 27 this year.

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#2240838 - 04/25/12 10:37 PM Re: Saving my marriage even she file for a divorce [Re: Use to be]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 9833
No I'm not divorced. Currently we are separated and we haven't reconciled yet. Thank you.

When you ordered her around and didn't think about her feelings. She tried talking to you about it and you didn't listen. So again, you ignored her and she tried getting your attention.

Thank you for your ages.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

Top
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