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It is gut wrenching. Especially not being with your little boy all the time and not being free to get pictures of him all the time. H and I used to send each other text pictures of our girls all day. I think you should think about cutting off the contact a little more from your W, dont text or give kid updates unless its an emergency. The fact is divorcing you means losing some of her time/contact with her kid. She needs to see what she is giving up not to punish her but to help you move on with your new relationship
((()))


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M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Thank you, BMom. I have been thinking a lot about that lately. Whenever I have our son, I connect with her whenever she requests. Partially because I want to ease her pain of not seeing him, but also because I feel that it is important to spend time together - and is seems like that might be the only way that it will happen. Regardless, I have put serious thought into just keeping him to myself most of the time when I have him. Not to build a "scorecard" but it's not like she reaches out to me much when she has him.

I guess that leads me to what's been going through my head today.
Is my situation hopeless?

My w says a lot of nice things:

She's open to working on things
There aren't a lot of "good" guys out there like me
Still thinks I am handsome
Wants another child
Thinks that I have become a really good dad
Has said she really doesn't want to date

And so on and so forth. But when it comes down to it, it's not like she is actively trying to connect with me. Quite the opposite, really. Sure - we meet for dinner here and there, but there are moments where I wonder if it's just to see the baby.

Maybe I should be long past the stage of asking these questions, but I think I have lost the ability to objectively view my situation. Are there positives even though my wife is still drifting towards divorce? I really can't tell anymore.

I have said this before, but part of me really believes that she has come so far down this D paths....we have had to spend 10's of thousands of dollars on L's, she's moved out - that maybe she feels as thought she has to just DO this to follow through. Otherwsie, she would look crazy. Hence she told me in e-mail "I am guessing that once divorced, you will no longer want to work on the relationship and I understand that". Almost as if she WANTS to work on the relationship AFTER the divorce.

Someone here used the analogy (crazyville, I think) that it's like cancelling a wedding in reverse. Each step in the divorce process is an escalating commitment and it becomes harder and harder to turn back.

When I look at everyone else's situation here - there seems to be a nice, long lag between when the spouse declares she/he wants a D and when the actual FILING takes place. Almost as if there is a cooling, reflective period. 11 days. That was how much time passed between w dropping the bomb and me getting papers in my hand. She decided, got a lawyer the same week, and it was all done. At times I wonder if she thinks she acted too quickly. Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe the D will be a weight off of her shoulders and she will feel "better" that it is over and she went through with it.

Crimson

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Regardless of everything that is going on - when my w calls and I get to talk to my son, things feel pretty good. Even if it only lasts a little bit. I love that kid so much.

Crimson

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Looking back on my thread these last few days and it is quite clear that I have been over-posting. So I apologize - my mind is a bunch of places lately.

I am really trying to find a course of action and would be grateful for any input. I find myself torn between two courses of action and I don't know if EITHER is really a great idea.

Part of me just wants to toally black out. No texts, not even responses to hers, no e-mail, no sharing S when I have him. Just play by the book as the court is defining for us. I feel this way because even though she says she is open to working on things - I just don't see her doing it. I don't think we can do it by avoiding each other - and sometimes it feels like if I don't initiate contact, then there would be none. I am perfectly willing to admit that I might be over-sensitive right now given that we are about to be "done" - legally, anyway.

I see the downside of this being my w receiving it as me having only tried to save our relationship to avoid divorce - which I strongly suspect she feels I am doing. I'm not - and the only reason I am even thinking through blacking out is that I am mentally exhausted from all of this. Maybe it's just a sign that I need to dig a little deeper and hang in there.

On the other hand - part of me wants to stay the same. I want to keep steady, weather the ups and downs, accept the amount of work I have to do, be patient, and work for a better outcome.

But then when I do see (or can't tell) if it is being appreciated or reciprocated - I start feeling like a sucker. Is this a normal place to be considering where I am in the process?

From the outset, the vets here have preached patience, patience, patience - and I thought that I got it. Eight months in, and I am realizing that maybe what I thought was patience doesn't even scratch the surface.

Crimson

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Crimson - What GM is saying is what I've been trying to get you to understand for awhile now. When are you going to get up the courage and "talk" to your W?

When she snapped at you the other day for asking if she was including you in her plans to go to Sedona, you stated that you weren't trying to pressure her when you asked the question. But, it didn't sound like you took the conversation any further and you let her end the conversation which left you hurt and confused. Perhaps what you should also have said was that you did not deserve to be snapped at.

When are you going to speak your truth to your W?


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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I am trying to find that medium - just hard to locate. And you're right - she seems so sensitive to anything even closely related to pressure that I am walking on eggshells not to push her over the line or cause her to shut down. I don't want to move the ball backwards, but I fear my caution is coming at the cost of my ability to relax.

Crimson

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In sticking with my tradition of humiliating honesty, GM and 2TP, I am terrified to some extent to open the topic of conversation.

One of the awful cycles in our realtionship that we could never seem to snap was me coming to her openly, calmly and honestly with something that was troubling me or making me unhappy - and she would take it as criticism or me finding fault in her. Then, somehow, what started with me trying to voice a concern ends in some kind of argument and her being upset.

I fear that asking her "what does working on our relationship mean to you" - will result in her saying "I don't know" and then set the table for her to AGAIN say I am pressuring her and become angry - and the shut down. I won't let it turn into an argument.

I literally get an uneasiness in my chest just thinking about it. This may just be one of those times where I have to gut it out and just deal with the consequences knowing that I am going in with good intentions.

Crimson

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Sometimes Crimson you have to back track a little in order to find the path you were meant to travel. Don't allow yourself to freeze in place. If you don't keep moving, you will die...figuratively speaking of course.

Quick story to help cement the point....

Many years ago I was rock climbing in Joshua Tree National Monument and I got stuck on a rock face. I literally froze in place, arms clinging desperately to the hand holds, feet slipping out from underneath me. To my right was a sheer 30 foot drop off to a field of rocks below. I could not move! My arms were shaking and I was sure I was going to fall. I remember in an extremely panicked voice telling my dad and friends who were with me that I..was..going..to..fall!!!!! I was terrified!

Just then 2 climbers wearing these special grip shoes walked right by me on my left. They were upright and walking right by me! It was then that I realized my fear was in my head and all I needed to do was muster the courage to STAND UP and start walking. I did, and I lived!

You can too!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Crimson, an unfortunate truth is that your M will end in D.

First, do you like the eggshells?

Second, is walking on the eggshells helping?

Third (and I say this, because I'm already dead and working on this exact problem)... it is not how she reacts to your open communication. It is how YOU react before and after HER reaction...

Bit by bit I'm letting it out... "I feel...", "I felt...", "I am concerned...", "I find / found / what works for me..."

No intended criticisms... I speak from a place of me... put it out there... and let it go... no expectations...

I can talk the talk but may not walk the walk. You decide if you really feel as though the R talk ("what does working on our R mean to you") is important to you... a hill you wish to die on... if you don't know if she is working on it... then she probably isn't... We don't see it often, but when we see other members announce their S is wanting to work on the R... it's a very clear message... until then... your W probably doesn't know what it means to her... so she just doesn't have an answer... and just isn't... working on it...

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erm, I meant your M MAY end in D...

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