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Joined: Feb 2012
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Sorry, really looong post (wanted to get it all out). I've been lurking around this site for a few months now, and posted bits of my sitch in other people's thread. I think its time i started my own thread.

Basically my husband and I got married in January 2010, and I got pregnant immediately. Prior to our marriage, we'd been living in different countries for 2 years, and when we got married, I used my papers to bring him over to the UK (my family insists this is why he married me). We've known each other for 13 years now and dated on and off over those years. Before we got married, we had been together for 3 years in a stretch.

Anyway, as I said earlier, I got pregnant on our honeymoon. Added to this I was working 6 days a week (my husband needed to do some exams in order to get work as a doctor here, so he was studying). My pregnancy was really difficult. I was sick, haggard and very withdrawn. i felt terrible and my sex drive was minus something. My husband had to do all the cooking for himself ( i could barely eat anything) for all the time I was pregnant, as all smells made me want to crawl up the wall. I had morning sickness until two days after my caesarian section (my husband resents how sick I was, and says he doesn't know anyone that was that sick, and that he can't go thru another pregnancy with me).

I was home alone whenever i was off work. My H was always out drinking. Whenever I suggested we go out together, he would say pregnant women were supposed to stay home, where they're safe. And that he couldn't be expected to stay home with me, as he wasn't pregnant. Sometimes he would say he was going with his friends, and that they were not taking their SOs. This was a big issue with us as I kept trying to tell him how lonely and left out I felt. He never seemed to get it, so I just kept repeating it. Now, in retrospect, I can see he saw this as nagging.

Another issue for us is that my husband does not believe that men have any role in housework. So whenever I asked for help with housework, he was not willing to help.

These issues made me feel really unloved, so i just withdrew more and more (i don't that when I'm hurt). It was very easy cos I felt terrible, anyway. Also, whenever we fought, he broke things around the house. When i was 24 weeks pregnant, he threw our bed in my direction (he says i imagined this). the bed never recovered and had to be replaced.

On October 18th, 2010, my husband told me that he did not love me. He had an exam in September so he was at the library thruout most of August 2010. When I heard the IDLY, I simply withdrew. Three days later, I went for a routine antenatal appointment and my blood pressure was quite high so I was admitted. I had an emergency caesarian section cos my baby was in distress. my husband was present for the birth. I was on admission for 4 days and he visited for 10 minutes each day (he had an exam to write 12 days after the birth, the baby came early).

When i got back home, my mum came from our country to nurse the baby. she came with my brother and they stayed 3 months. I kept the baby away from my H until after his exam, then I expected him to help. So one day I asked him to help change the baby. He said that his father never changed nappies. I raised a big fuss, and we had a massive fight in front of my mum and brother. My H left the house and did not come home that night. he came the next day, and was very apologetic so we made up. This was in November 2010.

In Dec 2010, we had another big fight about chores. my H tried to move out but my mum begged him to stay. A few days later, I was going thru his call records cos the phone bill was high. I found hundreds of calls and texts between him and a girl dating back to August 2010. I asked him about this and he said they were just friends and agreed not to speak to her again. I also called her up and she reiterated that they were just friends and told me that she did not know he was married.

Thruout this period he did not bother to come home at night at least once a month.

In Feb 2011, I found a secret phone where he had been calling her from. I threw him out of the house for one night. He came back begging and still insisted that they were just friends. He had his birthday in Apr 2011, and invited friends out. He did not invite me. He said that I was not a good person, and also that it was just a boys night out. he did not come home the night before his birthday and also on his birthday. I was really hurt by all this and continued to withdraw.

Two weeks after his birthday, I saw missed calls from that girl at 6.30am. He said they had not been in contact and that she was probably calling to say hi. I exchanged texts with her and she said they were just friends, but was asking me things like 'Are u happily married' 'so you are still sleeping with your husband?' (which I was). Things deteriorated after this and my husband stopped wearing his ring. Eventually he started coming home only every other night (he didn't come home on two occasions when the baby was sick, as he said he was a doctor and knew it wasn't serious). In may, I threw him out but asked him back a week later. He did not move back home for three months, tho he came once a week and we ML. throughout all this he insisted he was faithful. i kept begging him to come home, then eventually stopped and started focusing on myself.

He finally moved home ( 2 weeks after I stopped asking). However, he worked late every single day and did not come home at least one night a week. I felt really helpless through all this so I withdrew. we were living together but barely speaking for about 3 months. Due to this we did not cerebrate our daughter's 1st birthday in october. i was living like a single mum as he never helped with the baby and always came up with a reason why he couldn't pay his full share of the bills (and yet was able to go drinking every night?) whenever i asked him to help with the baby, I was ignored or insulted.

On 25th nov 2011, I came home to find him dead asleep, with his phone next to him (unlocked for once!). i went thru it and that same girl was complaining about how 'she couldn't speak to her boyfriend at home so his wife would not hear', and pressuring him to move out. She also sent plans for their trip to our home country the next day (he had told me he was travelling to work in another city for a week). Last time he was home was for our wedding less than 2 years prior, and now he was taking a girl home?

I confronted him and refused to return his phone (the evidence!!!). He retaliated by attempting to break my brand new macbook. I said I would call the police, and he left the house. He came back in the middle of the night and went to sleep in the spare bedroom. I wasn't sure how to face him the next day, so I left the house at 6am and came back by 3pm, by which time he'd gone on his trip. I spent the week he was away packing my things (i was living there even before we got married), and moved out the day before his return.

When he came back, he left several angry messages on my phone asking for his daughter. I made arrangements with our childminder for him to see her there and informed him. This was in December 2011. Since then, we have made arrangements via email for him to send money for her. he did this from January to March. In april he said he was out of work and couldn't pay. He asked for a copy of my passport, which i refused to give him (NOT using me anymore).

He has seen D1.5 twice since November (once in january, and once in february). He has asked to see her more than three times but does not show up (luckily she is too young to feel the pain, but it makes me so MAD). He has not asked to see her for almost 3 months (where he lives is 5 mins walk from the childminder, where she is all day). She does not recognise him anymore.

Once a month, he sends me an email saying that he needs to talk to me, doesn't ask when or where, just we need to talk soon. He went dark from Mar 19 to apr 19. I am really upset that he does not seem remorseful or apologetic. one thing that has changed, however, is how polite he is. Even when i get angry in emails, he is always polite (he was always quick to name-call). my mail still goes to his place, and has recently been getting lost (P/A behaviour on his part?). He says the neighbours must be binning them (i lived there for 4 years, same neighbours, no lost mil, why now?).

It's been almost 6 months since I moved out, but I don't think i am making any progress with detaching or moving on. So I have decided to start journalling here, really hoping it will help. My H parents have been separated for 20+ years, so he is used to this. I'm going crazy, however


Me 33, H 34
T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch)
M 4
DD 3
OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010

1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea)
OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11)
I moved out 3/12/11
Joined: Nov 2009
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Originally Posted By: tonibertha
How to quote
First Welcome to the board.

Simplest method to quote is to use the quote button at the bottom.

Next method is to copy what you want to quote and use the fifth button from the right in REPLY mode, insert text between brackets.

Last and hardest method is to type
I have left out the trailing bracket so you can see what to type.
[quote=tonibertha]How to quote[/quote

Use the PREVIEW POST button before you hit submit so you can see what your post will look like.

Hope that helps


Me-70, D37,S36
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thanks Cadet


Me 33, H 34
T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch)
M 4
DD 3
OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010

1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea)
OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11)
I moved out 3/12/11
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 170
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Thot i'd journal a bit...

Went to see my brother two Sundays ago. Left his place feeling depressed cos he told me no one in my family believed my H ever loved me. I can't say I wasn't told, but i guess my vanity would not let me see the truth.

Had my first session of counselling at work last Friday. Explaining the situation to my counsellor just reinforced that feeling (that H never loved me). I explained my fears about never getting back with H and how that would affect our D (who hasn't seen him in 3 months). The counsellor asked me if H was the father I wanted for my D? Maybe not. But he's her father. The fact that he seems to be walking away from her too doesn't change that. My C said I can't force him to see her. I know that, but I wish there was a way to make him want to be a better father...


Me 33, H 34
T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch)
M 4
DD 3
OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010

1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea)
OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11)
I moved out 3/12/11
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 170
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Posts: 170

Had another counselling session yesterday. We talked about a past relationship of mine (a physically abusive one). Its clear that i need to raise my standards when it comes to being in a relationship. So i wrote out a list of what i want in a man (a bit premature since i even haven't been chatted up recently - thanks to my 'baby' accessory).

On the H front, there has been no recent contact. I seem to be healing and thinking more in terms of what i want out of life, rather than obsessing over what my H is doing. Thanks to my BB lurking, i have decided to become the very best 'me' I can be. My current goals are:

- Improve my body image (change style of dressing, put more care into my appearance, lose weight - tho i cant stop eating!)

- Become the best mum I can be ( need to start taking DD to places on weekends, such as indoor play centres, parks, farms etc)

- Work on some of the faults H mentioned and things that I have noticed (made a list, working thru that slowly)

- Try to GAL: this one is really difficult, because i work 6 days a week (to pay off debts), and money is really tight, so i'm with DD whenever i'm not at work to save money, as I have no opportunities for free childcare (no relatives nearby). Another problem is that i don't have any friends nearby (i've cut off contact with all my friends, anyway, cos i couldn't stop talking about H, and felt they were bored with the issue (understandably)), so I really have no one to go with. DD is my only human contact when I'm not at work.

- Make new friends: i've become a recluse over the past 4 years, so this is going to be a biggie...

But i'm hopeful...eventually things just have to fall into place...


Me 33, H 34
T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch)
M 4
DD 3
OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010

1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea)
OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11)
I moved out 3/12/11
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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I hardly ever remember to check on my thread in "Piecing" anymore. However, I ran by there this morning and saw your note. I'm on my way to work now, but I'll try to check in with you this evening.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi TB

This jumped out at me.

Originally Posted By: tonibertha

Another problem is that i don't have any friends nearby (i've cut off contact with all my friends, anyway, cos i couldn't stop talking about H, and felt they were bored with the issue (understandably)), so I really have no one to go with. DD is my only human contact when I'm not at work.

But i'm hopeful...eventually things just have to fall into place...


Isolating yourself at this time is absolutely no good for you or for your daughter.

Rather than cutting off contact with all your friends, why not make one of your 180s that you WILL stop talking about H?

Alternatively, you could ask if they would bear with you for five minutes to rant or moan or whatever and then cut you off?

Is there a play group that you could join? I don't have kids, but I know in most cities and towns where I live there are no-cost early years centres with organized play groups. It would be a great way for both you and D to get some socialization.

And who knows....maybe you will find a great friend with whom you can swap babysitting to get some time for yourseif.

As for things falling into place, in my experience life doesn't work like that. We have to move things in the direction we would like them to go.


me 45
H 46
T 5
M 2.5
BD Sept 6 2011
OW Sept 8 2011
Threw him out Sept 8 2011
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hello! I read your post and I wanted to say that it sounds like you've been through A LOT! I, too, live in another country. He has family here but I don't. And there was talk of him possibly taking GF back to our hometown (she really wants to visit)and it gave me chills. I'm saying this to say that I understand what it feels like to be alone. And all you really want is to sit in your mom or sister's house and cry for weeks. Sometimes I think things WOULD be easier if I went home....but I'm not going to let this exp or him rob me of the dream I had of living here.

so.....I know it's hard to make friends especially with a young baby. But I agree go to early start centres, look at churches or local community centers to see if they have play groups. I know where I live there are groups especially for low income or single parents so they don't have to pay a lot to join and can meet people going through the same thing.

also if you start going to soft play centers or play groups you might meet some other parents there. For me, talking to strangers and being friendly was outside my comfort zone...so maybe that can be a 180.

Don't underestimate the stress of living in another country. And now you're going at it alone.

What I've found here is that people will help you to see if the thinking you're doing is growing or beating yourself up and will direct you in the right way. So post all your thoughts here instead of burdening your friends with them.

I'm really glad you're in counselling. Get your head together and get clear on what YOU want in a partner and in a father for DD.

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@gwn and Brit45: Thanks for your replies, guys. My problem is that the early start centres are closed on weekends, and saturdays are my only days off (usually i'm so knackered we end up staying indoors!). One of my recent goals is to start taking DD out on my day off - she is a very happy and social child, and I want to encourage that. We do a lot of dancing indoors (its both of our hobbies), and i'm always happy around her (i try) so luckily it doesn't affect her much (also she has friends at the minders place - he's there 6 days a week). i will definitely try harder to make new friends (i really need the space from my old friends now to process my thots, and decide how I feel about things)

H contacted me today (via email) to ask about the minders address (he's been there a couple of times before but not for 3 months). I decided not to reply. He can contact the minder to ask her address (he has her number). Its so funny, the few times he's seen DD or asked about her, it's been on the 21st of the month. Weird....

Also I noticed he usually tries to see DD mainly when I'm not communicating with him, so if my going darker (already pretty dark with NO contact) will get him to see more of her, I'm all for it...


Me 33, H 34
T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch)
M 4
DD 3
OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010

1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea)
OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11)
I moved out 3/12/11
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 170
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i meant she's there 6 days a week (typo)


Me 33, H 34
T 15 (on and off, 7 years this stretch)
M 4
DD 3
OW July 2010, IDLY - Oct 2010

1st sep 28/5/11-14/8/11 (my idea)
OW confirmed 25/11/11 (H travelled with OW 26/11/11)
I moved out 3/12/11
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