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Hi Maggie,

I'm new here too and all of my posts seem to still being moderated and taking days to appear.

I don't have too much to add apart from that our situations sounds eerily similar (expect that my H is currently working overseas and we've been married for 12+ years).

When my H first asked for space in January I thought I was giving it to him by only emailling him once a week or so, and keeping all the emails short, happy and newsy. In retrospect I'm not not sure whether I should have gone completely NC or, disregarded his request for space and moved abroad with him (despite him saying at the time he didn't think it was a good idea).

Fast forward to now, I asked him to consider R during a visit in April, he said he'd consider it, went back abroad, I found out his is involved in EA possibly PA, confronted him, told him I still want to R. Got email from him saying he is not willing to work on our relationship, plans on working abroad for forseeable future and thinks it best if we agree to end this chapter of our relationship. I send email back saying I either want to R or will need to start moving on with my life without him and ask him to sign house over to me.

He sends terse reply saying we can discuss any division of assets and possible separation/R in July. Think he only mentioned R to get me to be quiet. Friends/family now suggesting I go to solicitor.

I think the only thing we can both do now is take the advice to go (and stay) completely NC.

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Maggie3 Offline OP
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I have been saving EVERYTHING. Should I contact an A? When we bought our house my parents gifted me a significant amount of money towards the house. I want to make sure I get that back when we sell our house. We bought the house pre-marriage so I am guessing that I would be entitled to that.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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I consulted and attorney about 2 weeks after H moved out, just to know what was what.

Forewarned is forearmed.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Is it expensive to consult??


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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I guess it would depend on where you are, what the going rate is.

Are you in a no fault state?

Call around.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
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Where I live when there are no children its an automatic 50/50 split based on the value of the assets at the date of separation. This would leave me in a horrible financial position while H would walk away with around $100k in his pocket and $3000 a month in disposal income.

I'm trying to see if there are any ways I can start protecting myself now (e.g. investigating ways I can lower the value of our assets on paper) before he (or I) start formal separation proceedings. If the laws in your area are similar I would suggest you start doing the same.

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Maggie3 Offline OP
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I looked and I am in a no fault state. Things are much nicer today. I responded briefly to his email basically just saying that I wish we could have had that conversation face to face and that while I am glad he no longer feels stressed I will not allow myself to feel guilty for causing it. I did not mention the part about him being ready to date. How could I possibly handle that calmly or politely. He responded apologizing and we have had a few emails back and forth regarding bills and our house. I mentioned maybe getting a roommate because I am afraid to lose all the money we had put down on the house bc our value has dropped so much. He said he likes that idea and would be willing to continue paying the difference in the mortgage if I did bring in a renter. I also said that I didn't want this horrible situation to turn us into horrible people and he agreed. This is so hard when you still love someone.

I've decided I will stop wearing my ring on weekends and over the summer will completely stop wearing it. That way it won't be as noticeable to my students and parents. I also just took the picture of us down from my desk frown


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 112
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Maggie,

Just read your whole story. I'm very sorry for what you're going through, and can empathize with your pain. All I really have to say is that I encourage you to really focus on GAL. Try as much as possible to not contact H at all and try have as much fun as you possibly can. Your H knows what hes doing is selfish, and thus, he's being an a-hole. Maybe he'll wake up, realize he's 30, and figure out that at 30, it's time to be a man. Then again, maybe he wont. While he's figuring that out, take the time to find out who you are, who you want to be, and how you can become that person. Again, go have some fun!

You mentioned your 180s were communication based, and it was hard to show H because you weren't communicating with H anymore. W and I also had poor communication. One thing she told me is I never complimented her, and gave her words of affirmation (Read 5 Love Languages if you haven't already). The thing is, I realized I don't need W to practice these things. I started complimenting friends, co-workers, or just anyone I had contact with. I took the criticisms and complaints that W had and figured, maybe this is a complaint that everyone has of me. Why not try fix this for everyone. At the very least, you'll be ready for your next relationship, whether that is with H, or a new man.

Take care of yourself, and have a great weekend!


M:28 | W:28 | T:4.5 | M:2.5 | No Children
EA1 Uncovered: Jun 2011
EA2 Uncovered: 2011-09-29
S: 2011-09-29
I'm moving on: 2012-05-08
My story: http://bit.ly/K3ttPM
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Maggie, I'm also in a similar situation. My H turns 33 in two weeks and is currently dating a girl in her early 20s. At least your H told you he's ready to date, mine has been saying recently that he wasn't, but didn't keep this hidden very well. I also think it's a midlife crisis. His son's stepfather joined the military three months before we separated and we knew we had a good chance of not being able to see him as much. And his father moved out when he was 9 or 10 and started a life with another woman and he's never been able to forgive him.

I'm trying to take it day by day, but it's very hard. I'm trying to do things for myself-take classes, spend time with friends who understand what I'm going through, and keep busy. We also have a house we're trying to sell, so sometimes I have to contact him about that, but I'm really trying not to contact about anything else. He's been my best friend for years, so I understand wanting to send a quick text to tell him about something, but right now that's not what he needs. I also nagged about housework and other things, so I've made a decision to be only positive in all of my interactions from now on. He's been out of town all week and haven't communicated since Monday, but I'm going to try my best to keep out all negativity. I know it's really hard, but from what I've been reading, that's exactly what we have to do.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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That's great advice Ben. I think I will do that!! I've already been trying to fill people's buckets after a book I read. I think of myself and I think I am very positive, happy, I make people feel good. But then i think back to my R and I think I got to a point where I wasn't doing that as much to H. Although that goes both ways- he wasn't giving me much to praise him for.

Just cried my whole ride home from work- about 25 minutes. Now I'm going to go to the gym. Hopefully that will help. I called my mom for some emotional support and that usually makes things worse as she is a fixer not a listener. I mentioned the roommate idea and she did not support it. She was like you just need to get out of that house it's not going to be a good situation, etc. I told her I need to take smaller steps- this is a lot at once and I have nowhere to go. She said I could live there (no!) or find a place. I love my house. I just can't bare losing EVERYTHING all at once. She doesn't get that.

I find weekends a challenge in my GALing. Most of my friends are married or pregnant. Plus I wonder what H is doing all weekend. Ugh.

H and I were always into horse racing and usually did fun stuff during each triple crown race. I feel anxious bc I want to do something fun for the derby but my gf's aren't into it and I'm nervous to see my H out.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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